- Ted Lasso: [to Jamie and Roy] Now, listen. You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half. And when it comes to locker rooms, I like 'em just like my mother's bathing suits: I only wanna see 'em in one piece, you hear?
- Roy Kent: When I was coming up, there was this old geezer at the club, Doug Stashwick. He was always on me. Hated each other. You wanna know how we won the league?
- Jamie Tartt: No.
- Roy Kent: It was the same shit Yankee Doodle was peddling. He sat me down and he said, "Let's get it all out there. You tell me why I'm a prick, and I'll tell you why you are."
- Jamie Tartt: [looks up] You're a nasty bastard...
- Roy Kent: No. I'm going first. Even though I know I should pass to you... you're so selfish and arrogant. Every time I do, it makes me wanna fucking puke.
- Jamie Tartt: You know, I had a poster of you on my wall when I was a kid. Used to love watching you play. But you're not the player that you used to be, and just because you won a few trophies, you walk around here expecting everyone to kiss your ring.
- Roy Kent: [nods] Yeah. I can be like that.
- [pause]
- Roy Kent: Now's the bit where you admit to what I said.
- Jamie Tartt: I don't wanna. Even if it is just... a little bit true.
- [both men manage a slight smile]
- Jamie Tartt: So, you and that Doug bloke, did you ever become friends?
- Roy Kent: Fuck no. I hope he's dead.
- [lifts his beer to Jamie, and they toast]
- Jamie Tartt: To you dying.
- Rupert Mannion: So, you ask Rebecca what she thought about texting Robbie?
- Ted Lasso: You know what? I couldn't find her. I say don't worry about it.
- Rupert Mannion: If you change your mind, say the word and... sent. He'll be right over. Top up.
- [turns to walk away]
- Ted Lasso: Hey, Rupert? Something just occurred to me. If you could've texted Robbie Williams asking him to come tonight... you could've probably just as easily asked him not to come.
- Rupert Mannion: [chuckles] Well, now, that would have made me a real piece of shit, wouldn't it?
- Ted Lasso: [to Roy] You know how they say that "youth is wasted on the young"? Well, I say don't let the wisdom of age be wasted on you.
- Rebecca Welton: Ted?
- Ted Lasso: [to Roy] I just came up with that. I feel pretty good about it.
- Rebecca Welton: [to Ted, about Rupert] That man, he knows me. I used to think his blunt honesty was noble rather than what it really is. Which is just... the cruelest way of hiding his own insecurities. He'd say wear this, eat that. And I listened. But now I'm alone. I'm alone, Ted. Just like he said I would be if I left. I don't want to be alone.
- Ted Lasso: You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half. And when it comes to locker rooms, I like 'em just like my mother's bathing suits. I only wanna see 'em in one piece, you hear? So we're fixing this. Tell me what's the biggest issue you got with each other. Go.
- Roy Kent: He's a piece of shit.
- Jamie Tartt: If his brain was on fire, I wouldn't piss in his ear.