Saturday Night Live (TV Series)

Eddie Murphy/Lizzo (2019)

Colin Jost: Weekend Update Anchor

Quotes 

• [In the middle of "Weekend Update", Eddie Murphy arrives on stage as the famous children's show character, Gumby] 

  Gumby : Hold, stop the press right now.

  Colin Jost : Wait, what?

  Gumby : What the hell is going on, here? Give me a chair! I wanna sit down, you bastard.

  [a crew member quickly gives him one] 

  Colin Jost : Ladies and gentlemen, it's Gumby!

  Gumby : They know who the hell it its. I am Gumby, dammit!

  Michael Che : What are you doing here?

  Gumby : What am I doing here? The question, Michael Che, is how the hell are you going to put on a show and not have me in the show until now? I should have been in the every damn sketch from the top. I am the one that made Eddie Murphy a star. He was just a regular *coon boy* till I saw him.

  Michael Che : Well, we just thought people wouldn't know who you were.

  Gumby : How the hell are people not gonna know who I am? I am Gumby, dammit! Let me tell you something. I saved this damn show from the gutter. And this is the thanks that I get for saving the show? Shame on you, Lorne Michaels. Shame on you, NBC. Shame on you.

  Colin Jost : Alright, Gumby. Just calm down.

  Gumby : Don't tell me to calm down, trailer boy. I got to listen to this black bastard telling me that people won't remember who I am? Do you know why you two are behind this desk? Because your jokes don't have legs, you schmucks. I pass kidney stones with more personality than the two of you.

  Michael Che : That's a little rude.

  Gumby : Face it, kid. Both of you together couldn't Velcro my sneakers.

  Michael Che : Well, you're not exactly a Christmas character.

  Gumby : What the hell do you mean I'm not a Christmas character? Look at me! I'M GREEN! I'm green and all the children love me. The kids love me. I'm a Christmas character, you jerk.

  [Gumby has just pulled out a cigar] 

  Colin Jost : Hey, Gumby. I just want to point out. You're not allowed...

  Gumby : Give me a match, I want to smoke this cigar.

  Colin Jost : Yeah, you're not allowed to smoke in here.

  Gumby : Don't tell me not to smoke, headshot. I do what I want to do. I am Gumby, dammit. I am Gumby. I want to smoke a cigar, *I smoke a cigar.* I SMOKE A CIGAR!

  Michael Che : What about your horse, Pokey?

  Gumby : [beat]  You have the nerve to sit there and bring up the name Pokey? He's in the glue factory for all I care. I don't believe this. I make my triumphant return, and you're talking about a can of dog food? How did you even get this job? What? You win a radio contest or something?

  Colin Jost : I guess you're not enjoying the show then, huh?

  Gumby : No, that's not true. I did enjoy some of the show. I liked that sing -- what's-her-tush?

  Colin Jost : You mean Lizzo.

  Gumby : Yeah, That Libbo who, huzza, buzza, pubba. I like her. She's a real beauty. And you know, colored girls don't usually do that for me.

  Michael Che : So you want to stay out here or what?

  Gumby : No. I have to get going. It's too late now. You should have used me. You waste me. I'm going. I'm an old man. I got to get to bed because I got to get up early and take my morning dump.

  Michael Che : [to audience]  Gumby, everybody!

  Gumby : I am Gumby, and in the morning I take a dump.

  Michael Che : I know.

  Gumby : I am staying here. Don't pack me you bastard, I'm staying. The people love to see me. All right, all right, I'll go.