Drew Hastings: Self

Quotes 

• [talking about his farm in Ohio] 

  Drew Hastings : When I got this place, about a year and a half ago, I had five barn cats. I have one left.

  [laughter] 

  Drew Hastings : ONE. Do you have any idea how hard it is to kill a fucking barn cat?

• [about one of his friends] 

  Drew Hastings : He's always giving me a hard time about my girlfriend. "It's gotta be nice, Drew. Your girlfriend is twenty years younger than you!" No it's not. You know what that means, having a girlfriend twenty years younger than you? That just means you've got to put up with the same bullshit you were putting up with twenty years ago!

  [laughter] 

• [about taking up coyote hunting to take his mind off his depression] 

  Drew Hastings : That was a stupid idea. The last thing you want to do when you're clinically depressed is to go sit out in the woods with a *gun* by yourself all day.

• [about his girlfriend] 

  Drew Hastings : You know what I love about her? She is smart as a whip. She is. We play Scrabble all the time; I have NEVER beaten her. The only time I used all seven tiles at once is when I tossed them in her face.

  [laughter] 

  Drew Hastings : "Yeah, what's that spell?" "Fuck of. That's right!"

  [laughter] 

  Drew Hastings : She just turned 30, wants to have a baby. A baby! I just turned 50! I'd end up shaking the baby to death from palsy!

  [laughter; Drew pantomimes shakily holding a baby] 

• [about his girlfriend wanting to have kids] 

  Drew Hastings : I finally had my mind made up for me this year. I was in Atlanta a while back. I'm sitting outside a coffee house, and this... CUTE little four or five year old girl walks by with her mom. And this little girl says to her mother, "Mommy, you know what my three favorite colors are?" The mother looks down at her and says, "No, darling. What are they?" And they just kept walking up the sidewalk. And I thought to myself, "you see, that's my problem. I don't give a fuck what your three favorite colors are."

  [laughter] 

  Drew Hastings : And I felt horrible! I felt horrible! What's wrong with me? Why aren't I like everybody else? Where's my universal love for children? What if I have kids? I still feel like that about them. And then I talk to married people all the time, and they're like, "No you won't, Drew. You know what? It's different when you have your own."

  [murmurs of disagreement] 

  Drew Hastings : Yeah! Yeah, what if it's not? "Well, that's very pretty. What did you draw there? You know what, pin it up on the God damn refrigerator yourself."

  [laughter] 

  Drew Hastings : "Don't touch me! You have something sticky on your hand! Never touch me."

• Drew Hastings : My best friend is always giving me a hard time. "Drew, you've got to quit smoking! It's just slow suicide." WELL IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT WORKING, IS IT?

  [laughter] 

  Drew Hastings : I mean, incremental suicide isn't the most efficient way to do yourself in. It's kind of like a woman saying "I'm going to kill myself by bleeding to death one period at a time."

  [laughter] 

• Drew Hastings : I do nothing to stay in shape anymore. The only exercise I'm getting is mood swings.

  [laughter] 

  Drew Hastings : I get winded playing euchre.

  [laughter] 

  Drew Hastings : I've got a three hundred dollar clothes rack at home in the shape of an exercise bike.

• Drew Hastings : I love her to death, my girlfriend. But, God we fight. Fight, argue. And it always starts out so innocuously. So simple, something so minor. You know, "Honey, wh-where's my sock?" And twenty minutes later, it's "Get the SWAT team away from the door! I'll kill her *and* the fucking cat!"

  [laughter] 

  Drew Hastings : "And where's my sock?"

• Drew Hastings : Have you ever had an orgasm that so is so violent, so intense that your legs buckle, you hit your head on the bathtub and no one finds you for hours?

  [laughter] 

  Drew Hastings : This has not been my day. Thank you.