- Newsman: To Springfield!
- Newswoman: Which Springfield?
- Newsman: The one the Simpsons live in!
- Ralph Wiggum: [at the Lincoln Memorial, sitting on Lincoln's lap] I want a tricycle, and a dog who won't chew my Hot Wheels, and a brighter future for America. I'm Ralph Wiggum, and I've been a good boy.
- Lisa Simpson: Ralph can't be president. He's the dumbest person on the dumbest percentile group.
- Homer Simpson: Lisa, being president is easy. You just point the army and shoot.
- Lisa Simpson: And Ralph is only eight years old. It says in the Constitution you have to be thirty-five.
- Bart Simpson: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.
- Homer Simpson: [sarcastic] "Oh, the Patriot Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out!" What's next? Finding out what operas I go to?
- [high-fives Bart]
- Marge Simpson: We're all concerned about your weight. Bart said NASA called. They said that your gravity is pulling all the satellites out of orbit.
- Homer Simpson: Marge, that was a joke.
- Marge Simpson: I know, but it came from a true place.
- Homer Simpson: All right, everyone who didn't come out of my loins out of my house! You too, Fred Thompson.
- Fred Thompson: But I was in Die Hard.
- Homer Simpson: Pfft! Die Hard 2.
- Kent Brockman: Ralph, both parties want to offer you their nomination. Whom do you like?
- Chief Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralphie. You're invited to two parties: One with a donkey and one with an elephant. Who do you like?
- Ralph Wiggum: ...Elmo?
- Kent Brockman: Ah, Admiral Elmo Zumwalt, Richard Nixon's chief of naval operations. So, Ralph's a Republican!
- Commercial Narrator: [Homer, part of a focus group, is watching a political ad] Who should America elect in 2008? Former governor Vincent Aleppo said in the New York Times, "I will protect the nation from attack."
- Homer Simpson: He's got my vote.
- Commercial Narrator: But, in that same issue of the New York Times, they also printed an article about terrorist leader Nussaf Al Mustaffi.
- Homer Simpson: Dear God, what have I done?
- Commercial Narrator: "And you shall judge them by the company they keep."
- [a photoshopped image of Aleppo and Mustaffi sharing a milkshake is shown]
- Homer Simpson: My god! They're going steady! Did everyone see that?