- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I've tried everything. Even this crap.
- [health drink]
- Adrian Monk: What is it?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. It's some kind of organic hippie concoction from Hell. My aunt sent me a whole carton of it.
- [Takes a sip out of the bottle, and gags a little bit]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, it tastes like chalk.
- Natalie Teeger: What's in it?
- Adrian Monk: [reading] Chalk extract...
- [Monk and Natalie notice that Randy has grown a mustache]
- Natalie Teeger: What is that?
- Lt. Randall Disher: What?
- Natalie Teeger: On your face. On your lip.
- Adrian Monk: It looks a little bit like a mustache.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job.
- [Monk and Natalie continue to stare at him, fixed on his new mustache]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
- Natalie Teeger: You're making me a little uncomfortable.
- Natalie Teeger: Hi, I'm Natalie Teeger, and this is Adrian Monk.
- [notices the humor in saying Monk's name to a monk, and blushes]
- Natalie Teeger: "Mr. Monk and the monk." Sorry. Are you allowed to laugh?
- Brother Andrew: We've been known to chuckle.
- Julie Teeger: Christmas doesn't mean anything to you?
- Adrian Monk: Not anymore.
- Julie Teeger: Why don't you believe in anything, Mr. Monk? What are you so afraid of?
- Natalie Teeger: I'll tell you what I think. I think Mr. Monk has been afraid of so many things, for so many years, he's afraid of not being afraid.
- Adrian Monk: What does that mean?
- Natalie Teeger: Think about it.
- Adrian Monk: I'm afraid to.
- Julie Teeger: So, why do they call you the Professor?
- Natalie Teeger: Julie, it's probably because he loves to read and probably because he's curious about the world and other cultures...
- The Professor: I eat books.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh.
- Julie Teeger: [looking at Monk's cardboard tree] Is that your tree?
- Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
- Julie Teeger: It's cardboard.
- Adrian Monk: Right. No muss, no fuss. A lot of people are doing it.
- Julie Teeger: Who?
- Adrian Monk: People... you know, who are me.