- Marshall Eriksen: [Barney is wearing a green jacket and green pants for St. Patrick's Day] Can we shoot pool on you?
- Barney Stinson: [On the phone] Come on, Ted. It's your last night on Earth. You really want to spend it with Marshall and Lily?
- Marshall Eriksen: My hands smell weird. Here, smell.
- Lily Aldrin: [Smells his hands] You're right, that's new.
- Ted Mosby: [to Barney] I'll be there in five minutes.
- Lily Aldrin: Marshall, you see ghosts all the time, even at Starbucks.
- Marshall Eriksen: That Kenny G CD just flew off the shelf.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Last time that ever happened.
- Barney Stinson: Ted, you have to live like there's no tomorrow, because there is no tomorrow. The world is coming to an end. As predicted by Nostradamus. Notre Dame. Fighting Irish. Irish. Saint Patrick's Day. It's your last day on Earth, Bro. Brocopalypse now. Bromaggedon.
- Ted Mosby: [Barney wants everyone to go out and party] Sorry, Peter. We're grown-ups now. We can't fly off to Never-Land with you anymore.
- Robin Scherbatsky: [talking about a lie vs. the truth] How is "Racist Ghost" better than "Crooked"? Seriously, somebody tell me how that's better.
- Barney Stinson: Come on, it's not like she has children.
- Ted Mosby: How do you know she doesn't?
- Barney Stinson: Wrists. It's like you don't even know me.
- Ted Mosby: How do you know she's from a different area code?
- Barney Stinson: She's 5-1-6! She might dress like she's 7-1-8, act like she's 2-1-2, but trust me... she's 5-1-6! Oh and her husband letting her out alone on St. Pattie's Day, if that dude's not 9-7-3. I'm 3-0-7!
- Barney Stinson: [wearing a green suit] Who wants to kiss the Barney Stone?
- Lily Aldrin: Hey, look. It's the Riddler.
- Marshall Eriksen: No, that's Gumby. Later, can we tie you in a knot?
- Barney Stinson: Let's drink green beer! Let's do green Jell-o shots! Where's your Saint Patrick's Day spirit?
- Lily Aldrin: We're drinking green tea.
- Marshall Eriksen: With caffeine.
- Narrator: Some things you don't notice until they're pointed out, but once you notice it, you can't not notice it. Lily and Marshall's new apartment was crooked.
- Barney Stinson: [to Ted] Open your brain-tank "bra", 'cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge! There's three rules of cheating: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. It's not cheating if her name had two adjacent vowels, and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.
- Angry Guy: [In the middle of kissing a girl when someone tugs him by the shoulder from behind and he turns to face him] We have a problem.
- Barney Stinson: [stands in between them] Hey! Hey... Hey!
- [Walks in between and past them]
- Ted Mosby: [looks to Ashlee] Is this your husband?
- Ashlee: I've never seen this man in my life.
- Ted Mosby: [Looks back to him] Okay... what's our problem?
- Angry Guy: Heheheh... Rick, Rick Garrido. According to the bartender, I'm the guy who's been buying you champagne all night.
- Ted Mosby: Okay, there's a very simple explanation...
- [He punches Ted square in his left eye and the scene goes black for a moment]