Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
Winky-Dink Time (2008)
Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper
Quotes
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Alan Harper : [about hookers] What can I get in the two hundred dollar range?
Charlie Harper : Crabs. And car-jacked.
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Charlie Harper : [about Jake] I'm going on a double-date with Pumpkin Head. Fun's not an option.
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Jake Harper : [Dressed in a suit with his hair slicked back] How do I look?
Charlie Harper : Like you should be knocking on peoples' doors asking them if they've heard the Good News.
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Charlie Harper : Her name's Alexis.
Alan Harper : Alexis. That's a pretty name.
Charlie Harper : They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never find a hooker named Maude.
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Alan Harper : [hot woman with cute daughter Jake's age, talks to Charlie like they are old friends] She seems nice. Uh, who is she?
Charlie Harper : I have no friggin' idea.
Jake Harper : I'll tell you who she is... the grandmother of my children!
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Charlie Harper : [about a hooker Charlie arranged for Alan] She's willing to throw you one for $500.
Alan Harper : Whoa! Ah, okay, uhm... Can I put it on a credit card?
Charlie Harper : A credit card. Where are you planning to swipe it, Alan?
Alan Harper : Alright, alright. I was just hoping to get the miles.
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Jake Harper : [about a double date Jake arranged with Charlie, and the mother and daughter he met at the snack shoppe] Just don't clock-block me, okay?
Charlie Harper : Clock-block you?
Jake Harper : That's not it?
Charlie Harper : No. That's not it.
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Alan Harper : So! Are either of you going to tell me how it went tonight?
Charlie Harper : Ask your bubble-headed son.
Jake Harper : Ask your butt-headed brother.
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Charlie Harper : Come on, I'm not good with names, but I'll never forget the passionate nights we spent together.
Jess : We never spent the night.
Charlie Harper : Never? Well, no wonder I don't remember you!
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Charlie Harper : [about Jake] I'm telling you, Alan. One of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.
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Alan Harper : So, did you make the call?
Charlie Harper : Everybody wants me to pimp for them. I might as well get a purple hat, high boots and a full-length fur coat.
Alan Harper : If anyone can pull it off, it's you. So, did you make the call?
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Alan Harper : [about getting a hooker] Try to get a non-smoker.
Charlie Harper : Sure. Who wants a girl who'd put one of those nasty things in her mouth?
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Alan Harper : As you know, I'm a bit of a bargain hunter.
Charlie Harper : Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99 cent store!
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Alan Harper : How much is a hooker?
Charlie Harper : What? Alan, what are you gonna do with a hooker?
Alan Harper : Well, I'd like to pay her to have sex with me!