Going Postal (2010)

Steve Pemberton: Drumknott

Quotes 

• Drumknott : [Lipwig is about to be hung]  I bring an edict from Lord Vetinari, patrician of Ankh-Morpork.

  Moist Von Lipwig : A reprieve!

  Drumknott : He says to get on with it.

• Ridcully : [entering Lord Vetinari's office]  This had better be important. I'm in the middle of an experiment.

  Lord Vetinari : Involving a knife and fork, no doubt.

  Ridcully : [sighing]  I don't expect a layman to understand the pressures of university life.

  Lord Vetinari : Incredible though it may seem, we've found a practical use for one of your magical devices.

  Ridcully : Have you?

  Lord Vetinari : The object in question is, um...

  [Lord Vetinari looks at Drumknott] 

  Drumknott : An omniscope, my lord.

  Lord Vetinari : Enabling us to see things at a distance, I believe.

  Ridcully : The omniscope is a highly complex, very unstable piece of equipment.

  Lord Vetinari : You mean it doesn't work?

  Ridcully : Well...

  [stammering] 

  Ridcully : Relatively speaking, it works.

  Lord Vetinari : Excellent. Kindly have it up and running by dawn tomorrow.

  Ridcully : Now listen, magic is not some kind of workman's tool that you can hire out by the hour.

  Lord Vetinari : Just as well, because I wasn't intending to pay you.

  [Drumknott smirks]