- Super Hans: [reading from an old quiz book he's found] I have a mouth, but do not speak. I have a bed, but never sleep. What am I?
- Mark Corrigan: A river.
- Super Hans: Nicholas Lyndhurst.
- Mark Corrigan: I think that's the wrong answer section.
- Super Hans: [throws the book down] Fuck this shit.
- Super Hans: Jez, can you tell me, as a mate, someone who knows me really well, is the bottom half of me on fire?
- Jeremy Usborne: [looks down] No.
- Super Hans: Thanks. That's good.
- Jeremy Usborne: Are you tripping?
- Super Hans: The shit I'm seeing, I fucking well hope so!
- Super Hans: It's a pisser, though, innit? Cancer. They should a find a fucking cure.
- Mark Corrigan: I think they're trying.
- Super Hans: Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their fucking fingers out.
- Jeremy Usborne: Mum's getting 40 grand in the will and she's promised me half. It's all gravy from here, Mark. Good old Gwen. I couldn't have planned this better if I'd murdered her myself.
- Mark Corrigan: £20,000 won't last forever, Jeremy.
- Jeremy Usborne: What do you mean? £20,000, I'm gonna be a millionaire!
- Mark Corrigan: You really do need to get over this whole thing with your mum. You're not Hamlet. Stop being Hamlet.
- Jeremy Usborne: Well, all right, I'll stop being Hamlet if you stop being...
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] He can't think of a Shakespearian character!
- Jeremy Usborne: A massive twat!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Ha-ha. He couldn't even think of Romeo, Romeo's easy.
- Super Hans: You should drop acid at the funeral. Make it more intense. That's what I did at me old man's, it was fucking mental. I was crying and laughing. Didn't know who was dead and who was alive.
- Jackie: I've got some more Corfu property details. I think we'll be able to see them all while we're there.
- Jeremy Usborne: Are you buying somewhere? I hope this isn't coming out of my chunk of the dead Gwen bonanza.
- Martin: [to Jackie] Actually, darling, if you remember, we spoke about...
- Jeremy Usborne: Spoke about what?
- Martin: Just that it might not be ideal for you still to be living on handouts from your mother. You're what, 35?
- Jeremy Usborne: Fuck off!
- [Mark wakes up to find Natalie is having sex with him]
- Mark Corrigan: Could you stop? I, oh dear God, oh dear...
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: I'm having an orgasm against my will! Oh God, she's stolen sex off me.
- Natalie: [she finishes] I like you. I liked that.
- Mark Corrigan: Yes... OK.
- Natalie: I think I need a wee now.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] At least she didn't wee on me. That's a positive.
- Jeremy Usborne: Well, did you do it? Have I got my money? Don't do the pause, Mark, you're not Davina! Have I got my money?
- Mark Corrigan: Yes, Jeremy, you've got your money.
- Jeremy Usborne: Yes!
- [he kisses Mark on the forehead]
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh you beautiful, beautiful man! I'm gonna tattoo your name on my balls. I'm a millionaire again!
- Mark Corrigan: But there's a condition.
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, there's alway conditions, Mark, you can ignore conditions. When you sign up for a credit card or adopt a child there are conditions. They're meaningless.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Good old Jeremy's mum. The more sophisticated end of the Mum spectrum. The sort of mum you'd buy in John Lewis.
- Jeremy Usborne: Mummy! Coffee! Fucky-hurry-uppy!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Whereas he's the sort of son you'd get free with Nuts magazine.
- [Mark meets Jeremy's mum's boyfriend Martin, an ex-soldier in his 60s]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Shit, it's Paddy Ashdown! It's Indiana Jones! It's Indiana Ashdown!
- [Mark looks at Martin]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Why doesn't Jeremy want you to be his dad? I want you to be my dad! I want to sit on your knee right now!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Right, everyone's out. Might sneek a little peek at the gun. It's fine to be fascinated by the gun. It's fascinating. Everything that can kill a man is fascinating, guns, electric chairs, paracetemol, lead piping...
- Jeremy Usborne: [standing in the doorway] Hello Mark.
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, hi Jez. I was just... you know, making sure it was safe. Gunny the gun.
- Jeremy Usborne: You like it, Mark. That's fine, you like the gun. Guns are great. Design classics like the Routemaster bus, or... those chairs.
- [Natalie has passed out drunk on Mark's bed]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] She hasn't had a wee in a while. I hope she doesn't wee in my bed.
- [to Natalie]
- Mark Corrigan: Don't wee the bed, Natalie.
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: That might filter through to her subconscious. I hope the "don't" was clear enough.
- Martin: [giving Mark his war diaries] Some of it's a bit choice, Mark. A bit fruity, death wise. So, you have been warned.
- Mark Corrigan: Doesn't bother me, Martin, the fruitier the better. War's never a picnic. Although, obviously soldiers do end up eating outdoors quite a lot.
- Super Hans: You couldn't get me any glue, could you? Take the edge off.
- Jeremy Usborne: Glue?
- Super Hans: Yeah, glue's coming back. Nature's glue.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] I've never done glue. Never boffed a tranny. I've hardly lived.
- Jeremy Usborne: [has just found a gun at his dead aunt's house] I'll keep it in my room. It'll be safe there. I'll put it in a drawer.
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, brilliant. Well, as long as no one can work out the intricate sliding mechanism that opens your drawer, it'll be perfectly safe!
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Yeah, sure. You've got sarcasm, I've got a big gun!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] This is a fantastic evening. I've become a military historian and Jeremy's future happiness rests in my hands.
- [a waiter serves him his dessert]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] And I've got a tiramisu! This is fucking amazing!
- Natalie: My teacher was a bit of a hippy and she gave me this CND badge. Ah, I genuinely loved Miss Davis.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Case closed.
- Natalie: Anyway, I wore it home and fucking hell, Mark, Dad's face... It was like he was being given a Tabasco enema.