- Big Al: [On his mail order business] We call it the white economy. Those people in Whitehall prefer to call it the BLACK economy. We're trying to improve its image!
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: [Surveying Big Al's smashed greenhouse] Do you have any explanation for this?
- Big Al: Not really.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Not even any comments, reactions?
- Big Al: Well somebody smashed all the windows.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Yes...?
- Big Al: Well bearing in mind it's a greenhouse, that's a bit fundamental.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Do you draw any conclusions from this?
- Big Al: Well, technically speaking, as a greenhouse, it's knackered, isn't it?
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: Who might have done such a thing?
- Big Al: I'd say it was either somebody who doesn't like me... or doesn't like greenhouses... or doesn't like both. Unless it's a purely arbitrary bit of disruption, in which case it's somebody who doesn't like HIMSELF... or herself... or themselves, if there's more than one. So that narrows it down a bit, doesn't it?
- Big Al: [Totting up the additional LP records Trevor wants to buy] I make it that you owe us for 19 records at two quid a throw, equals 38 quid less cash discount and goodwill. Call it 35 quid - how's that?
- Trevor Chaplin: [Astonished at the bargain and starts to dig out cash from his pocket] That's amazing!
- Big Al: Good, I like to amaze people! You don't have to pay right now.
- Trevor Chaplin: No, I don't like being in debt.
- Jill Swinburne: His old mother used to say 'Neither a borrower nor a lender be'.
- Trevor Chaplin: No she didn't. It's what I believe in...
- Trevor Chaplin: [to Jill, realising he's not got quite enough cash] Can you lend us a quid?
- Trevor Chaplin: [Arriving at school, contrary to Mr. Carter having received an anonymous phone call claiming that Trevor will be absent due to illness] I never have diarrhoea!
- Mr. Carter: I envy you!
- Trevor Chaplin: My policy. Never catch anything you can't spell in case you have to write a sicknote!
- Mr. Carter: [On Mr. Wheeler, the chronically annoyed headmaster] He had an unhappy childhood.
- Jill Swinburne: He was never a child. He was born middle-aged and miserable!
- Mr. Carter: Lucky chap! I had to achieve it the hard way!
- Trevor Chaplin: [Jill had screamed on discovering an unwelcome newcomer to her class] I still think it's a lot of fuss over a dead cat.
- Jill Swinburne: You wouldn't have liked it!
- Trevor Chaplin: [On the 'gift' that had been left for him] I had a noose and I didn't scream.
- Jill Swinburne: [Sarcastic] You big, brave, macho, incredible hulk, you!
- Trevor Chaplin: I just got up on the desk and took it down. As my mother used to say, 'No noose is good noose!'
- Jill Swinburne: [Unappreciative of Trevor's attempt at humour] Gordon Bennett!
- Trevor Chaplin: You don't even like cats.
- Jill Swinburne: It's not the cat - it's the... death aspect.
- Trevor Chaplin: I wonder if they killed it specially or just found it somewhere.
- Jill Swinburne: Oh, that's awful.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Unperturbed and scoffing his school lunch] Just making a rational analysis of the situation.
- Jill Swinburne: [Referring to Trevor's meal] I think it's the same sort of dead cat as they use in that!
- Trevor Chaplin: [Puts down his cutlery, suddenly no longer hungry]
- Jill Swinburne: I think somebody is trying to frighten us. Successfully.
- Trevor Chaplin: Uh-huh.
- Jill Swinburne: You're frightened?
- Trevor Chaplin: Oh, yes. I only *pretend* to be brave.
- Jill Swinburne: I think I might need somebody to give me a cuddle tonight.
- Trevor Chaplin: Me too.
- Jill Swinburne: See Mrs Swinburne in her classroom after school.
- Trevor Chaplin: [Teasing] You what! I'm not going in *her* classroom - it's full of dead cats!
- Jill Swinburne: I don't find that funny, Trevor!
- Trevor Chaplin: [Darkly] I don't suppose it was a barrel of laughs for the cat, either.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: You get stuck in front of the computer for days on end.
- Det. Sgt. Hobson: I make full use of the technology that is now available to the police, sir.
- Chief Supt. Forrest: You make full use of the fact that you're the only bugger who can make it work!
- Chief Supt. Forrest: [to Det. Sgt. Hobson] You're a graduate copper with a good degree. Nothing wrong with that. I hold up my hand in favour of graduate policemen... in principle. In practice you're all a pain in the arse! I learned my policing on the beat in Liverpool, the hard way. Reassembling bits of sailors and dockers on a Saturday night. Preventing Armageddon between husband and wife. Persuading murderers and gangsters and bank robbers to move to Manchester!
- Trevor Chaplin: [On the edibility of school meals] It's always curry on Fridays - it gives everyone the weekend to recover.
- Rev. Booth: [after Det. Sgt. Hobson has raided Big Al's merchandise store in the church cellar] It's quite a compliment: it proves we're doing something useful!
- Big Al: [a la Descartes] I am raided by the police, therefore I am!
- Rev. Booth: [Referring to himself] It's nice to know one exists.
- Big Al: You'll be on the police computer now. That means you REALLY exist. I am on the computer, therefore I am!
- Rev. Booth: I didn't know you were a philosopher.
- Big Al: I'm just an enthusiastic amateur - it's not really my trade. Strictly speaking, YOU'RE the professional!