- Adrian Mole: I spent hours looking at our world map, but I couldn't see the Falkland Islands anywhere. Then my mother found them. They were hidden under a crumb of fruitcake.
- [after hearing his Mum and Dad describe the son they wished they'd had, Adrian discusses the matter with his Gran]
- Grandma Mole: To be honest, Adrian, you were rather a grotesque baby. I mean, you were completely bald until you were two. And you did have a very fierce expression.
- Adrian Mole: [thinking to himself] So that's why my mother hasn't got a gilt-framed photograph of me on top of our television, like other mothers.
- Grandma Mole: And the glasses didn't help. You looked like a cross between Winston Churchill and a rabid dog. I remember people tended to keep their distance a bit. Y'see, you weren't exactly... cuddly.