- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Yeah, looks like Saddam's big bad Republican Guard hajjis got wind I was coming. As the great warrior-poet Ice Cube once said, 'If the day does not require an AK, it is good.'
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Damn sucka! I just got some! Look at me, Brad! I'm a man now, just like you. Except I don't look like a faggot and talk all educated.
- Lt. Nathaniel Fick: Most people in America right now think of Iraq as a dangerous country. Now, if I were to stand up, I might get killed. But to us, behind this wheel it's pretty safe. So to us, Iraq is a safe country. Right here, I feel pretty safe. Do you feel safe?
- Evan 'Scribe' Wright: Pretty safe, I guess.
- Lt. Nathaniel Fick: See? It's all relative.
- Lt. Nathaniel Fick: Present for you. LSA. Scammed some off the guys in RCT-1.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Sir, not to get homoerotic about this, but I could kiss you.
- Sgt. Larry Shawn 'Pappy' Patrick: Sir, has any thought been given to destroying the weapons and ordnance that are sitting over there?
- Lt. Nathaniel Fick: Actually that did come up. But it seems the battalion's supply of C-4 is now unaccounted for. The battalion supply truck that we left last night, it is a smoldering heap of twisted metal and failed hopes in the trustworthiness of Iraqis we are striving so hard to liberate.
- Sgt. Steven Lovell: What does that mean, sir?
- Lt. Nathaniel Fick: It means we're on one meal a day.
- Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: Look, I didn't mean to shoot innocent camels, all right? I'm sure I shot people.
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: I mean seriously, homes, why would our Iraqi brethren want 400 pounds of C-4, claymores and crates of M-16s? I mean, it just doesn't make any sense. Oh, wait! You know, they could be using all that C-4 for, like, a giant 4th of July celebration. What do you think, Brad?
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: I think it's time for you to shut the fuck up.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: If they'd stick around and manned those we'd have been dead before we've even saw.
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Dude... lighten up.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Then again the world wouldn't have to deal with the prospect of you returning to your cretinous, daughter fucking, trailer park, red state shithole, and producing mutant, whiskey tango, scrotum faced, buck toothed, zit exploding progeny.
- Lt. Col. Stephen 'Godfather' Ferrando: You're requesting that I send this wounded civilian to the R.C.T. for aid? Problem. Our tactical situation is extremely precarious here. These are the northernmost Marines' positions and we are thirty clicks north of them. We are far behind enemy lines. We have incomplete intel as to the disposition of the Iraqi units here, here, and here. We don't even know what happened to the 4,000 troops that were at this air field six hours ago. And there's only 350 of us. What can be done? Option one: Casevac by helicopter doesn't exist. Army, Marines are engaged, taking casualties. Last night, the Iraqis stopped the Army advance. They turned back thirty six Apache helicopters. Shot a few down. Option two: I detach a platoon and have them drive thirty clicks through enemy lines to the shock-trauma unit here. If any of you were a casualty right now, I don't think I could casevac you. But supposing I could, I imagine there are some of you think we have to give wounded civilians every consideration we would give ourselves. That is not true. The R.O.E. say we have to give them the same medical care they would get by local standards. The standards here are fucking zero. It's a shitty situation for us but nobody put a gun to our heads and forced us to come here. We're all volunteers. I'm dispatching an Alpha platoon to take this child to the shock-trauma unit.
- [while driving in the dark, looking for a turn in the road]
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Hey, do you remember the gay dog episode of South Park? The one where, uh, Sparky runs away 'cause he's humping all those other dogs and shit?
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [tiredly] Yes, Ray, I... I do remember it very well. But I don't see what relevance this has to our present status.
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: There's the hamlet. Our turn.
- [he turns the Humvee]
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [into the radio] Hitman Two, this is Two-One. We're makin' that turn now, over.
- Lt. Nathaniel Fick: [on the radio] Roger that. Nice job, over.
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Hey, Brad? Do your Big Gay Al for me.
- [Colbert doesn't answer]
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Come on, buddy! Do it for your old pal Ray. The one who made the right turn?
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [lisping flamboyantly] "Well, helloooo there, little pup! I'm Big Gay Al. Have you been outcatht?"
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: [laughing] Fuck yeah.
- Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: They had this gay bar open up in the town where I'm from in Michigan, and people trashed it every night. They had to close it after a month.
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: See, but there's money in that, Trombley. Did I tell you I'm gonna open my own gay bar when I get back home? It's gonna be called The Golden Stream, and it's gonna be, like, this big urinal, right? And there's gonna be this two-way mirror that everybody pisses against. That way, when you're sitting at the bar having drinks, there's, like, all these big fuckin' giant cocks just pissing right at you.
- Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: Corporal, are you a faggot?
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: You know what? I'm gonna franchise that shit. You can have Michigan, Trombley. Very lucrative territory, homosexually speaking.
- Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: That's not funny, Corporal Person.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Ray, give it a rest.
- Cpl. Gabe Garza: Sergeant, I just lost my helmet.
- Sgt. Antonio 'Poke' Espera: What you wanna do, hold a funeral?
- Gunnery Sgt. Ray 'Casey Kasem' Griego: Sergeant, yesterday we had a trial by fire. I want you to know, Brad, that I'm here for you and your men. Are there any combat stress reactions anyone needs to talk about? Remember, I'm certified combat stress instructor.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: No, we're good, Gunny. But we would be a lot better if you were getting us the gun lube and batteries we need. That might do it for my combat stress.
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Right! 'Cause we're gonna drive 40 kliks off-road in the dark to an airfield with Republican guard on it by ourselves. And they say I did to much acid in high school.