- Cpl. Walt Hasser: [At night, the platoon is preparing for an attack from the oncoming Iraqi army] They're movin'. You can see it.
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: So, we're unsupplied, twenty-four hours ahead of the next nearest Marine and now the Iraqi army has found us. I like the plan, Brad. It works for me.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [Colbert looks at the 'Iraqi army'] Its a town. And it ain't movin'.
- Cpl. Walt Hasser: Are you sure?
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: It's autokinesis: seeing involuntary muscle movements of your own eyes. Those lights aren't going to come any closer than they are. It's a fuckin' town. Thirty or forty kliks out there at least. How far out did Alpha call this?
- Cpl. Walt Hasser: Fifteen kliks.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [to an approaching Poke Espera] It's bullshit. There's no armor.
- Sgt. Antonio 'Poke' Espera: There's no armor?
- [They watch as bombs hit the empty space fifteen kliks away]
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Well, apparently the United States Air Force thinks Brad Colbert is full of shit.
- Sgt. Antonio 'Poke' Espera: Naw, naw, naw, Brad. You cannot say that you like Pocahontas. The genocide of my people is turned into a cartoon musical? With a singing raccoon? I mean, think about it, Dog. The real story of Pocahontas is about a bunch of white boys who come to my land, bribe the corrupt Indian chief, kill off all the warriors and fuck the Indian princess silly. Would the white man make a story about Auschwitz, where the inmate falls in love with the guard and they go off singing love songs with dancing swastikas?
- Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: My great grandfather killed Indians. Up in Michigan. For money.
- Sgt. Antonio 'Poke' Espera: Trombley, you are the first white motherfucker to say something like that to me. Back in the fishing village where I'm from, Los Angeles, most white motherfuckers that talk about their people, they say they got a Native American ancestor. Pretend to be down with me. But here you are coming the other way.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Poke, what the fuck are you anyway? Your wife is half white, you talk like you're black, most of your friends are fucking white, and every once in a while, when you feel like it, you throw in with the Indians. Is it just that you're whatever race happens to be cool at the moment?
- Sgt. Antonio 'Poke' Espera: You got a point, Dog. I don't hang out with Mexicans. Mexicans got $20,000 stereos, lots of guns and every time I go into a liquor store with one, I'm afraid we're gonna rob the place. Mexicans are scary motherfuckers.
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: What the fuck does any of this have to do with jerking off?
- Cpt. Craig 'Encino Man' Schwetje: It was the enemy who stole your food from you, and you should be really, really mad at them. Before we step off on this next mission, I'm reminding you of who your enemy is. The enemy.
- [while Alpha's lieutenant and Meesh try to question some locals about the nonexistent Iraqi tanks]
- Cpl. Cody Scott: Dude, whaddya think they're sayin'?
- Cpl. Smith: [in an effeminate voice] "Excuse me, Meesh. Tell the man that we come in friendship."
- Sgt. Damon Fawcett: And Meesh is, "Dude, my big American friends are going to fuck you up if you don't show us some blown-up tanks!" And the hajji's all, "Habadabada? Habadadabada."
- Cpl. John Burris: And Meesh is all, "Dude, these Iraqis love the fact that we are here. They fucking love freedom and they thought that those fireballs last night were fucking wicked, dude. You Americans have killed a lot of sand. The sand was very evil."
- Cpl. Smith: And the lieutenant's all, "Meesh, I just shit my panties. Tell the nice man if he doesn't show me at least one blown-up tank, I'll look very stupid and the other officers will laugh at me."
- Cpl. John Burris: And Meesh is all, "Dude, throw me a frigging bone here. How about a frigging pickup truck with bald tires?"
- Sgt. Damon Fawcett: Bro, and the hajji's all, "Habdaba? Dabadidaba." And Meesh is, "Lieutenant, this hajji dude is totally bummed he can't save your career. He's got no tanks, but check it out: you can have his bitchin' daughter."
- Cpl. Smith: And the lieutenant's all weepy and shit. Fuckin' frat-house pussy.
- [the lieutenant walks back to the Humvee]
- Alpha Lieutenant: Back to camp. I'll ride with Team Two.
- [Meesh walks back to the Humvee, carrying a goat]
- Meesh: Hey.
- Sgt. Damon Fawcett: What'd the old man say?
- Meesh: Uh, he's afraid we're going to bomb his village tonight.
- [he looks down at the goat and shrugs]
- Meesh: LT turned it down. I am really hungry.
- Sgt. Damon Fawcett: Mount up.
- Cpl. Cody Scott: You take the fur off before you eat it, right?
- [Alpha examines bomb craters in the desert the morning after calling in an airstrike on a nonexistent column of Iraqi tanks]
- Cpl. Smith: Jesus Christ, dude.
- Sgt. Damon Fawcett: That's one hell of an airstrike you had the LT call in.
- Cpl. John Burris: It's not on me.
- Cpl. Smith: Eleven thousand pounds of bombs. That's some serious shock and awe.
- Alpha Lieutenant: [on the radio] Assassin Two-Three, this is Assassin Actual. Still awaiting your BDA. Do you copy?
- Sgt. Damon Fawcett: [into the radio] Assassin Two, yeah, we copy.
- [to Smith and Burris]
- Sgt. Damon Fawcett: The LT is really freakin'. Needs us to find something we hit.
- Cpl. Smith: How many tanks was that, John, a hundred and forty?
- Cpl. John Burris: I told you, motherfucker. It was the LT that called it.
- [Smith finds a piece of twisted metal pipe and holds it up]
- Cpl. Smith: [laughing] Check it out, y'all. That's all that's left of a hajji tank. You'll get the Navy Comm for this one. We coulda been overrun.
- Cpl. John Burris: Fuck you.
- [to Fawcett]
- Cpl. John Burris: Damon, don't be a pussy, fuckin' call it in. Let's give the LT a tank. He can get his medal, we can get the fuck outta here.
- Sgt. Damon Fawcett: [into the radio] Assassin Two, this is Two-Three. Over.
- Alpha Lieutenant: [on the radio] Send it.
- Sgt. Damon Fawcett: [into the radio] Yeah, we've covered three grid squares, we have nothing. I say again, nothing. How copy?
- Cpl. Smith: [bringing the pipe with him] Hey, I'm keepin' this. Get some ESPN and X-Games.
- Sgt. Damon Fawcett: There should be a trail up there. They're extracting us.
- Cpl. Smith: If there woulda been tanks here, that woulda been fuckin' cool.
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: I'm on the Nevada, Missouri Wal-Mart Wall of heroes. Even got my dress blues on.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: If my mother ever distributes my likeness without written authorization, I would disown her
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Technically speaking, Brad, but didn't your biological parent disown you when the put you up for adoption?
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Point, Ray. I was one of those unfortunates adopted by upper-middle-class professionals and nurtured in an environment of learning, art, and socio-religious culture steeped in over two thousand years of Talmudic tradition. Not everyone is lucky enough to have been raised in a Whiskey Tango trailer park by a bowlegged female whose sole qualification for motherhood is a womb that happened to catch a sperm of a passing truck diver.
- [Colbert gets out of Humvee]
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: At least my mom took me to NASCAR!