- Charlie Harper: [Playing the piano] M is for the misery she caused me. O is for the other things she did. T is for the traitor who's my brother. H is for the hump who is his kid... E is for extremely frightening girl talk... R is for the rifle in my mouth. Put them all together they spell MOTHER, a word that's only half of how I feel.
- Alan Harper: Listen to yourself. Excuse me, I have to go to work.
- Charlie Harper: Hold it.
- Alan Harper: What?
- Charlie Harper: Your watch.
- Alan Harper: What about it?
- Charlie Harper: It doesn't have Hamburglars on the wrist band.
- Alan Harper: So?
- Charlie Harper: Lee me see it.
- Alan Harper: No, it's mine.
- Charlie Harper: Let me see it. Let me see it. This is a Rolex. You sold me out for a watch!
- Alan Harper: Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch. I sold you out for a certified Swiss chronometer. Stainless steel Submariner, waterproof up to 300 meters. And look, it winds itself!
- Charlie Harper: [Seeing Alan pumping his left arm] Put it on your right arm and it will run forever.
- Alan Harper: [Thoughtful pause] Oh, good thinking.