- Chelsea: What I mean is, if we're going to see each other on a regular basis, there should be some give and take.
- Charlie Harper: Based on last night, we're pretty even-steven in the give and take department. And if I recall correctly, you're up one take.
- Chelsea: Hey! Of the two of us, I'm the one with tennis elbow!
- Alan Harper: [while discussing Jake's punishment for mooning the girls' track team, Berta starts giggling] Berta...
- Berta: Sorry, I'm just remembering my prom.
- Alan Harper: [to Jake] So, what happened?
- Berta: Well, I was working near the high school that night, and I thought it would be fun to drive the backhoe...
- Alan Harper: Not you.
- [Pointing to Jake]
- Alan Harper: Him.
- Berta: Well. Excuse me for sharing.
- Charlie Harper: [Jake is getting on Charlie's nerves] How long is this whole 'grounding' thing gonna go on for?
- Alan Harper: Two weeks.
- Charlie Harper: Two weeks?
- Alan Harper: Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.
- Charlie Harper: That's what you're punishing him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.
- Alan Harper: No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.