House M.D. (TV Series)
Birthmarks (2008)
Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Gregory House : [giving his father's eulogy] There's a lot of people here today. Including some from the Corps. And I noticed that every one of them, is either my father's rank, or higher. And that doesn't surprise me. Because if the test of a man is how he treats those he has power over... it was a test my father failed. This man you're eager to pay homage to, he was incapable of admitting any point of view but his own. He punished failure, he did not accept anything less than... He loved doing what he did, he saw his work as some kind of sacred calling, more important than any personal relationship. Maybe if he'd been a better father, I'd be a better son. But I am what I am because of him, for better or for worse.
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Dr. Chris Taub : House, call your mom.
Dr. Gregory House : What are you? My mom?
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Thirteen : Bubbles.
Dr. Gregory House : Is that your new stripper name?
Thirteen : Yes. And also we inject bubbles into the cyst and follow where they drift. They end up in the other organs, we know you're right, cut it out, she's fine.
Dr. Gregory House : Bubbles is right.
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Dr. Lisa Cuddy : [preparing a shot] It goes better in a large muscle. Drop your pants.
Dr. Gregory House : You know, I usually pay tens of dollars to hear that.
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Dr. Lisa Cuddy : If there's anything I can do, just...
Dr. Gregory House : You know, you're right. I don't think I can sleep alone tonight.
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Dr. James Wilson : You know, you could just wait for the MRI to have your curiosity satisfied.
Dr. Gregory House : What person who is nothing like me are you saying that to?
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[House uses nail clippers to remove part of his father's earlobe while feigning grief over the coffin]
Dr. James Wilson : [whispering] Put it back.
Dr. Gregory House : Well he's not going to miss it.
Dr. James Wilson : I'm done enabling. You can't even let them put him in the ground without making it serve your agenda?
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Dr. Gregory House : He's here.
Dr. James Wilson : Who's here? The one you're pretending is your father? Nice pick, he looks like Sean Connery. So back, when you were devising this fantasy, did you tell your father. "Dad, I refuse to recognize your existence because I have chosen James Bond as my dad."
Dr. Gregory House : I used different words.
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[after Wilson breaks a stained glass window by throwing a bottle]
Dr. Gregory House : Still not boring.
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Dr. Gregory House : I need that phone call. I'm a doctor, and when someone tries to call you three times, it's code for "Pick up the damn phone before someone dies."
Sheriff Costello : I'm sure there's other smart doctors.
Dr. Gregory House : You'd be surprised.
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Dr. Gregory House : I'm not deflecting because I'm avoiding something deep. I'm deflecting because I'm avoiding something shallow.
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Dr. James Wilson : That's how we met: I was in jail.
Sheriff Costello : This guy was a total stranger to you and you bailed him out?
Dr. Gregory House : It was a boring convention. I had to have somebody to drink with.
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Dr. James Wilson : [after House knocks Wilson's keys down a sewer] Amber gave me that key chain.
Dr. Gregory House : No, she didn't. Not unless your pet name for her was "Volvo."
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Dr. Gregory House : Come on, forget the keys. Call a locksmith. We'll go inside and play "guess that smell" with the truckers while we're waiting. Join me on the dark side.
Dr. James Wilson : Dark side's done, House. I'm delivering you to your mother and that's it.
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Dr. James Wilson : I'm not gonna sit here wasting time just so you can avoid your father's funeral.
Dr. Gregory House : He's my father. I have the right to avoid his funeral.
Sheriff Costello : Not if your mother's alive you don't.
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Dr. Eric Foreman : Anybody read Chinese? Otherwise we have no idea what these doctors did to her.
Dr. Gregory House : Kutner, you're sort of Asian, right? Get it translated.
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Dr. Lisa Cuddy : [to House as she gives him a shot] The funeral's tomorrow.
Dr. Gregory House : My mom called you?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : There is a 3:40 flight out of Newark. If you leave now, you can be in Lexington tonight. Your mother wants you to deliver a eulogy.
Dr. Gregory House : Eulogy, from the Greek for "good word." Now, if she asked me to deliver a bastardogy, I'd be happy to...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Then be a grown-up. Call your mother back and tell her that you're sick with grief, but you're too busy to be there.
Dr. Gregory House : She knows when I'm lying.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Then start writing.
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Dr. James Wilson : Well, I hate to break it to you, Che, but simple delay won't work. Your mother will hold the funeral until we get there.
Dr. Gregory House : Father was a punctual man. Beholden to time. Two minutes late for dinner, you didn't eat. My mother would never disrespect him by starting the funeral late.
Dr. James Wilson : [sarcastically] Yeah, yeah. You clearly have no issues to work through.
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Dr. Gregory House : You "lost track of your speed"? I think that was Hitler's excuse. Lost track of the Jews. No one held him responsible.
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Dr. Gregory House : If you're coming back just because you're attracted to the shine of my neediness, I'd be okay with that.
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[on the phone while Wilson is getting arrest]
Dr. Gregory House : Make it fast; I don't want to miss the anal cavity search.
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Dr. Gregory House : Let her vomit through the MRI. That's what nurses are for.
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Dr. Gregory House : Pins. Some people use them to tailor a shirt, others use them to kill a baby.
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Dr. James Wilson : [to the sherrif] Sir? Not to hurry you, but we need to be at a funeral in...
Sheriff Costello : Nobody is going anywhere or taking any phone calls till I hear back from Louisiana.
Dr. James Wilson : It's a really old warrant. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this kind of thing?
Dr. Gregory House : It's suspended when you flee the state.
Dr. James Wilson : I didn't flee the state. I left the state because I don't live in the state. And the charges were just so minor...
Sheriff Costello : Vandalism, destruction of property, assault.
Dr. James Wilson : There is a simple explanation. There was a medical convention in New Orleans...
Sheriff Costello : You don't need to explain to me.
Dr. James Wilson : I was fresh out of med school. I didn't know anybody at the convention.
Dr. Gregory House : You heard the man, Wilson. You don't have to explain.
Dr. James Wilson : I am not gonna sit here wasting time just so you can avoid your father's funeral!
Dr. Gregory House : He's my father. I have the right to avoid his funeral.
Sheriff Costello : Not if your mother's alive, you don't.
[to Wilson]
Sheriff Costello : Okay, explain.
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Dr. James Wilson : I was at the hotel bar trying to unwind, have a drink. There was this guy who kept playing Billy Joel's "Leave a Tender Moment Alone" on the jukebox.
Sheriff Costello : Leave a Tender Moment is a good song.
Dr. Gregory House : It's a great song. He was out of line.
Sheriff Costello : Not as good as "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" or...
Dr. James Wilson : So I - I asked the man to stop, politely.
Dr. Gregory House : Yeah, you yelled politely.
Dr. James Wilson : I was polite the first couple of times, but courtesy made no impression on this ass, so I threw a bottle into the mirror which successfully conveyed my message.
Dr. Gregory House : And smashed a 10-foot antique mirror. And set an example to two other patrons who threw shot glasses.
Dr. James Wilson : I had nothing to do with that fight. The assault charge was totally bogus, and I paid for the mirror.
Sheriff Costello : I think I have the picture. I assume you're the guy who was playing the song.
Dr. Gregory House : No, I was the guy who bailed him out.
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Dr. Gregory House : Mom, how could you delay the funeral?
Blythe House : Honey, your dad is dead. He's not going to care. Do you know what you're going to say?
Dr. Gregory House : I don't know. Just let the minister or one of his buddies from the corps...
Blythe House : You're talking. I don't care that you didn't like him. He was your father and he loved you. The war is over, Greg. Please do this for me.
[to Wilson]
Blythe House : Stop looking so worried. I know he's gonna make me proud.
Dr. James Wilson : I'm sure you know him better than I do.
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Dr. Gregory House : I picked Cameron's pocket down in ER. I came up with a doozy.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner : Your mother called, twice.
Dr. Gregory House : She's still healthy. This 25-year-old woman, on the other hand...
Dr. Lawrence Kutner : Her messages sounded kind of urgent.
Dr. Gregory House : Well, that's the way women sound when their spouse of 50 years dies.
Thirteen : Your dad died? Are you...
Dr. Gregory House : Yep. Fine!
