- Homer Simpson: Well, forget it, padre. We don't need a piece of paper to tell us we're happy. Me and the old lady have our own thing going on.
- Marge Simpson: Who are you calling an old lady?
- Homer Simpson: I need that paper, quick!
- Homer Simpson: Reverend, what are you doing delivering our pizza? But we didn't order any pizza. Plus, you forgot the pizza. Marge, the pizza place screwed up again!
- Bart Simpson: So if you weren't married, does that mean I'm a bastard?
- Lisa Simpson: You were born when they were married, so in the literal sense, no. But in the sense of someone being angry at you, yes.
- Lisa Simpson: This doesn't make sense. Dad would never leave an open wings bar. And he loves mom and us, yadda yadda yadda.
- Homer Simpson: I'm chained to a wall like a common bicycle! But who would do that to me? It would have to be someone who could afford a chain.
- Reverend Lovejoy: And so, only two of the Commandments are real, and the other eight are just filler.
- Bart Simpson: So, did you take any breaks yesterday, like, to kidnap our father?
- Krusty The Clown: Impossible. He was with me the whole day. We watched the special edition DVD of House Of Sand And Fog, then slept together for warmth, got up, had a little nosh, watched the DVD again with the director's commentary.
- Sideshow Bob: The director was an ass.
- Bart Simpson: If you don't want us to tell, you're gonna have to pay.
- Patty Bouvier: Pay what?
- Bart Simpson: Don't ask me. She's the brains. I'm the thing that's not the brains.
- [Marge is planning a second wedding to Homer]
- Marge Simpson: I want every table to have two baskets of bread but only one plate of butter. That will stimulate conversation.
- Homer Simpson: What if we...
- Marge Simpson: There is no "we" in "wedding"!
- Homer Simpson: But there is, Marge, the first two letters!
- Marge Simpson: I can't believe you're ruining the second Thursday before the wedding!