- John Wayne: [to Prince] Little Sister, is that mustache coming or going?
- Prince: Well your wife likes it.
- John Wayne: [chuckles] You're okay, goofy grape.
- Bestimus Muchos: Wait a minute. We're missing Sex Toy.
- [Sex Toy enters]
- Bestimus Muchos: Where have you been?
- Sex Toy: Where haven't I been?
- Homer Simpson: Before you kill me, I have to know, what is the one true religion?
- Krusty The Klown: It's a mixture of voodoo and Methodist.
- Milhouse: I like your witch costume, Lisa.
- Lisa Simpson: I'm not a witch, I'm a Wiccan. Why is it that whenever a woman is strong and powerful, they call her a witch?
- [Muted trombone vocalizes]
- Lisa Simpson: You said something, mom?
- Marge Simpson: No, I was just practicing my trombone.
- Milhouse: Every Halloween, the Grand Pumpkin rises from the pumpkin patch to give candy to all the good boys and girls.
- Bart Simpson: For the last time, Milhouse, I just said that to mess with you. The Grand Pumpkin isn't real!
- Milhouse: I apreciate you testing my faith, but it's not necessary.
- Homer Simpson: Hello, I'd like to vote for president, governor, and anything else that will take money away from our parks and libraries.
- Bart Simpson: [Shopping for Lisa] I wouldn't give these to my worst enemy, which happens to be Lisa.
- Bart Simpson: [from "Untitled Transformers Parody"] Hey, Lis. I think I see one with your name on it.
- Lisa Simpson: Well, it can't possibly top your present last year: a box full of your burps.
- Bart Simpson: Oh, that reminds me. Here's your stocking stuffer.
- [Bart burps into Lisa's stocking]
- Bart Simpson: [Watching two robots fight each other] Finally, a Boxing Day that lives up to its name.
- Homer Simpson: Lisa, what's happening?
- Lisa Simpson: If I were to guess, I'd say two alien races who have been fighting for centuries have chosen our planet to fight their final battle.
- Homer Simpson: It is a good planet to settle things.
- Krusty The Klown: Hey, hey, kids! You're old pal Krusty is going to teach you five new words: unlicensed use of my image.
- Lawyer: Mr. Simpson, you have a talent for killing celebrities.
- Homer Simpson: Well, I'm no drunk driving.
- Milhouse: [from "It's a Grand Pumpkin, Millhouse"] You've all come to wait for the Grand Pumpkin with me! Who wants to sing Pumpkin carols?
- Nelson Muntz: I've got a Pumpkin carol for you.
- Nelson Muntz: [singing, to the tune of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"] You are such a stupid moron. / It makes people want to punch you. / The Grand Pumpkin's super ga-aaaa-ay!
- Nelson Muntz: [ends singing with his bullying skills to Milhouse] Punch, punch, punch-punch. / Wedgie!
- Marge Simpson: [wrapping up the Halloween special in the last lines; from "It's a Grand Pumpkin, Millhouse"] Looks like those kids found the true spirit of Halloween... or Thanksgiving... or whatever. And for those of you who feel like we've trampled on a beloved children's classic, I encouraged you to write to the following address.
- [Marge plays the trombone one last time, as the address is not mentioned]
- Marge Simpson: [signing-off, waving] Happy holidays, everyone!
- Krusty The Klown: [from "How to Get Away with Dead-vertsing"; panning up from Homer in Times Square, Manhatten, NYC to Celebrity Heaven. Here, the celebrities that Homer just killed the preceding montage, including local Springfieldian Krusty the Klown, are angry at Homer from down below] We just can't sit here while they exploit our images!
- [Krusty turns on the TV, showing a advertisement for stockswapper.org featuring footage of John Wayne]
- Announcer: [on TV] Hey, John Wayne. Have you heard of stockswapper.org's low, low transaction fees?
- John Wayne: [nine shots of him from his film with a lead role] Sounds... like... quite... a... deal... pilgrim! I hate... trans-... -action... fees.
- ["fees" refers to his dedicated memorial]