- Bart Simpson: Millhouse, I hold in this hand Denis Leary's cellphone, and in this hand, the phone numbers of bars around the world. Let's start with Hawaii.
- Various: Aloha!
- Bart Simpson: Aloha to you. I'm looking for Maya, last name Normousbutt.
- Various: Hang on, I'll check. Uh, has anyone here seen Maya Normousbutt?
- Various: I've got a Drew P. Wiener here? Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Weiner.
- Various: Better put it down, then, mate!
- [patrons laughing]
- Various: Yeah? I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Allof? Attention, everyone. Allof Myfriendsaregay?
- [Bart and Millhouse laugh]
- Various: Wait a minute. If I ever get ahold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.
- Marge Simpson: Bart, how did you get a cell phone?
- Bart Simpson: Same way you got me. By accident, on a golf course.
- Marge Simpson: [to Bart] Sweetie, I know I said you couldn't have a cell phone, but in these days of stranger dangers and sinister ministers, I think it's important that we're in touch.
- Bart Simpson: I'm never gonna have a cell phone.
- Lisa Simpson: And I'm never gonna go to Machu Picchu. In this family, you get used to disappointment.
- Bart Simpson: Hello? Bart Simpson.
- Denis Leary: This is Denis Leary, you little puke! When I find you, I'm gonna tear your heart out with two fingers! I know how to do it, too. I learned it for my show.
- Bart Simpson: Which one? The one that got canceled, or the one that's gonna get canceled?
- Bart Simpson: Mom, even Milhouse has a cell phone. Your son is lamer than Milhouse! What does that say about you?
- [Bart is at Lisa's tea party]
- Bart Simpson: I don't know why I agreed to this.
- Lisa Simpson: Because you like the taste of my imaginary tea.
- Bart Simpson: Oh, you're right.
- Principal Skinner: I can't believe I'm out of gas. I put in one dollar of gas and I've only driven ninety cents.
- Mrs. Skinner: You had to drive with the windows open, didn't you, Rockefeller?