The State (TV Series)

Episode #2.3 (1994)

Joe Lo Truglio: Various

Photos 

Quotes 

• Counselor Gil Noonan : Hey, Mr. Toink, what brings you by?

  Barry Toink : Counselor Noonan, never before have I needed your guidance and expertise more than I do now. What I need from you is a price check on a word that describes someone who constantly has his nose in books, who loves books, can't get enough books, will name all his children "Book",

  [talking more excitedly] 

  Barry Toink : worships a deity named Book, capital B-O-O-K!

  [takes a deep breath and exhales] 

  Barry Toink : Temper check... ok.

  Counselor Gil Noonan : Alright, Bar. Have you tried bibliophile?

  Barry Toink : Are you asking if I am one or if they threaten my sexuality?

• Barry Toink : [barges into the girls bathroom]  Hello, ladies. Como esta?

  Cheerleaders : Hi Barry!

  Barry Toink : Endless apologies for the sudden entry but I find myself neck-deep in crisis. What do you call a guy who CAN'T KEEP HIS FACE OUT OF BOOKS?

  [he inhales and exhales] 

  Barry Toink : Temper check. Okay. One who loves to read is called a...?

  Cheerleader #1 : God, that's such a good question.

  Cheerleader #2 (Marcy) : I know this. That's a really good question and I totally know this.

  Barry Toink : Nothing? Nothing? Do we have it? Are we there? Do we have it? Are we locked on? Envelope please - and the winner is...?

  Cheerleader #3 : I don't know.

  [to Cheerleader #2] 

  Cheerleader #3 : Do you know, Marcy?

  Cheerleader #2 (Marcy) : I don't know, Barry, like, "philosopher"?

  Barry Toink : Silver medal try, but no. Adiosay, ladies. I must seek knowledge and its bastard son, truth.

  [exits the bathroom] 

  Cheerleaders : Bye, Barry!

  Cheerleader #2 (Marcy) : See you later, maybe?

• Michael Showalter : Hi, we're The State. You know, a lot of people might think that big television stars like us are tempted to engage in some questionable social activities which really bothers us because we know there a lot of impressionable, young viewers out there. So we thought it'd be a good idea as responsible members of the MTV family...

  David : [walks on stage]  And it *is* a family...

  Michael Showalter : - to set the record straight. First of all, we don't smoke cigarettes. And that's because we know cigarettes are bad for you.

  Ken : [walks on stage]  And they're not sexy or fun to smoke.

  Michael Showalter : That's a really good point, Ken. And we don't drink beer. All day. Every day.

  Ben : [walks on stage]  We don't spend our weekends drunk off our ass on Jagermeister smashing car windows...

  Joe : [walks on stage]  ... and I'm not drunk right now.

  Michael Showalter : And we don't do drugs. That is we don't smoke pot.

  Michael Patrick Jann : [walks on stage]  You know, reefer.

  [makes air quotes] 

  Kerri : [walks on stage with Kevin]  And you know Special K which is a hospital anesthetic?

  Kevin : We never tried *that* at a party on Greenwich Street and it wasn't *really* cool.

  Michael Ian Black : [walks on stage]  And none of us have ever been arrested for shoplifting CD's at Tower Records. Especially me.

  Thomas : [walks on stage]  And if you're wondering if we ever picked up 3 underage girls in Georgetown, got them drunk and then crashed their dad's Alfa Romeo, I would have no idea what you were talking about.

  Michael Showalter : So there you have it. The only thing we do that's questionable, and I'm not even sure it is, is sell babies on the black market. I mean we make a lot of young married couples very happy and when you're buying in bulk, the profit margin per unit is just astounding.

  [Todd walks on stage holding a baby and all cast members ooh and ahh] 

  Thomas : [to the baby]  You're my ticket to Monte Carlo, aren't you?

  Michael Showalter : [waving to the camera]  Thanks for your time!

• Barry Toink : I must seek knowledge and it's bastard son, Truth.

• Barry Toink : Attention, Drew.

  Drew : Yeah, Barry,

  Barry Toink : Look at that guy. Look at him as he reads his book. By the wrinkles in his brow one can imagine the giant word party going on in his over-active brain.

  Drew : Yeah, yeah, big old word party in his head.