The State (TV Series)
Episode #2.3 (1994)
Ken Marino: Various
Quotes
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Michael Showalter : Hi, we're The State. You know, a lot of people might think that big television stars like us are tempted to engage in some questionable social activities which really bothers us because we know there a lot of impressionable, young viewers out there. So we thought it'd be a good idea as responsible members of the MTV family...
David : [walks on stage] And it *is* a family...
Michael Showalter : - to set the record straight. First of all, we don't smoke cigarettes. And that's because we know cigarettes are bad for you.
Ken : [walks on stage] And they're not sexy or fun to smoke.
Michael Showalter : That's a really good point, Ken. And we don't drink beer. All day. Every day.
Ben : [walks on stage] We don't spend our weekends drunk off our ass on Jagermeister smashing car windows...
Joe : [walks on stage] ... and I'm not drunk right now.
Michael Showalter : And we don't do drugs. That is we don't smoke pot.
Michael Patrick Jann : [walks on stage] You know, reefer.
[makes air quotes]
Kerri : [walks on stage with Kevin] And you know Special K which is a hospital anesthetic?
Kevin : We never tried *that* at a party on Greenwich Street and it wasn't *really* cool.
Michael Ian Black : [walks on stage] And none of us have ever been arrested for shoplifting CD's at Tower Records. Especially me.
Thomas : [walks on stage] And if you're wondering if we ever picked up 3 underage girls in Georgetown, got them drunk and then crashed their dad's Alfa Romeo, I would have no idea what you were talking about.
Michael Showalter : So there you have it. The only thing we do that's questionable, and I'm not even sure it is, is sell babies on the black market. I mean we make a lot of young married couples very happy and when you're buying in bulk, the profit margin per unit is just astounding.
[Todd walks on stage holding a baby and all cast members ooh and ahh]
Thomas : [to the baby] You're my ticket to Monte Carlo, aren't you?
Michael Showalter : [waving to the camera] Thanks for your time!
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Michael Ian Black : So, Mr Turner, candy?
Ken : No thank you.
Michael Ian Black : You mind if I indulge my sweet tooth?
Ken : If I get a job today I don't care if you play Yankee Doodle Dandy out your ass!
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Barry Toink : Attention, Drew.
Drew : Yeah, Barry,
Barry Toink : Look at that guy. Look at him as he reads his book. By the wrinkles in his brow one can imagine the giant word party going on in his over-active brain.
Drew : Yeah, yeah, big old word party in his head.