- Counselor Gil Noonan: Hey, Mr. Toink, what brings you by?
- Barry Toink: Counselor Noonan, never before have I needed your guidance and expertise more than I do now. What I need from you is a price check on a word that describes someone who constantly has his nose in books, who loves books, can't get enough books, will name all his children "Book",
- [talking more excitedly]
- Barry Toink: worships a deity named Book, capital B-O-O-K!
- [takes a deep breath and exhales]
- Barry Toink: Temper check... ok.
- Counselor Gil Noonan: Alright, Bar. Have you tried bibliophile?
- Barry Toink: Are you asking if I am one or if they threaten my sexuality?
- Barry Toink: [barges into the girls bathroom] Hello, ladies. Como esta?
- Cheerleaders: Hi Barry!
- Barry Toink: Endless apologies for the sudden entry but I find myself neck-deep in crisis. What do you call a guy who CAN'T KEEP HIS FACE OUT OF BOOKS?
- [he inhales and exhales]
- Barry Toink: Temper check. Okay. One who loves to read is called a...?
- Cheerleader #1: God, that's such a good question.
- Cheerleader #2 (Marcy): I know this. That's a really good question and I totally know this.
- Barry Toink: Nothing? Nothing? Do we have it? Are we there? Do we have it? Are we locked on? Envelope please - and the winner is...?
- Cheerleader #3: I don't know.
- [to Cheerleader #2]
- Cheerleader #3: Do you know, Marcy?
- Cheerleader #2 (Marcy): I don't know, Barry, like, "philosopher"?
- Barry Toink: Silver medal try, but no. Adiosay, ladies. I must seek knowledge and its bastard son, truth.
- [exits the bathroom]
- Cheerleaders: Bye, Barry!
- Cheerleader #2 (Marcy): See you later, maybe?
- Michael Showalter: Hi, we're The State. You know, a lot of people might think that big television stars like us are tempted to engage in some questionable social activities which really bothers us because we know there a lot of impressionable, young viewers out there. So we thought it'd be a good idea as responsible members of the MTV family...
- David: [walks on stage] And it *is* a family...
- Michael Showalter: - to set the record straight. First of all, we don't smoke cigarettes. And that's because we know cigarettes are bad for you.
- Ken: [walks on stage] And they're not sexy or fun to smoke.
- Michael Showalter: That's a really good point, Ken. And we don't drink beer. All day. Every day.
- Ben: [walks on stage] We don't spend our weekends drunk off our ass on Jagermeister smashing car windows...
- Joe: [walks on stage] ... and I'm not drunk right now.
- Michael Showalter: And we don't do drugs. That is we don't smoke pot.
- Michael Patrick Jann: [walks on stage] You know, reefer.
- [makes air quotes]
- Kerri: [walks on stage with Kevin] And you know Special K which is a hospital anesthetic?
- Kevin: We never tried *that* at a party on Greenwich Street and it wasn't *really* cool.
- Michael Ian Black: [walks on stage] And none of us have ever been arrested for shoplifting CD's at Tower Records. Especially me.
- Thomas: [walks on stage] And if you're wondering if we ever picked up 3 underage girls in Georgetown, got them drunk and then crashed their dad's Alfa Romeo, I would have no idea what you were talking about.
- Michael Showalter: So there you have it. The only thing we do that's questionable, and I'm not even sure it is, is sell babies on the black market. I mean we make a lot of young married couples very happy and when you're buying in bulk, the profit margin per unit is just astounding.
- [Todd walks on stage holding a baby and all cast members ooh and ahh]
- Thomas: [to the baby] You're my ticket to Monte Carlo, aren't you?
- Michael Showalter: [waving to the camera] Thanks for your time!
- Thomas: What would you say if I told you this computer chip had enough memory to store every book in every library in the world? Would you say I was lying? Are you calling me a liar? If you got something to say to me why don't you say it to my face? C'mon! C'mon! I will kill you man!
- Michael Ian Black: So, Mr Turner, candy?
- Ken: No thank you.
- Michael Ian Black: You mind if I indulge my sweet tooth?
- Ken: If I get a job today I don't care if you play Yankee Doodle Dandy out your ass!
- Barry Toink: Attention, Drew.
- Drew: Yeah, Barry,
- Barry Toink: Look at that guy. Look at him as he reads his book. By the wrinkles in his brow one can imagine the giant word party going on in his over-active brain.
- Drew: Yeah, yeah, big old word party in his head.
- Michael Ian Black: Patricia, thanks for having us at your home and what a beautiful home it is. I'm kidding - my watch cost more than this house. Patricia, I'm kidding - my watchBAND cost more than this dump.
- Kerri: Feeling mopey and sad? Need to talk to Carrie Fisher? Call 555-FISH. Actress and author, Carrie Fisher, is waiting to talk to you.