Family Guy (TV Series)
The Man with Two Brians (2008)
John Viener: New Brian
Photos
Quotes
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Stewie Griffin : Hey New Brian, bad news. You gotta leave.
New Brian : What are you talking about? This is my home.
Stewie Griffin : Nobody likes you here man.
New Brian : Well I disagree, I think everyone likes me.
Stewie Griffin : No we don't! We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den.
New Brian : Well Rupert seemed to like my humping.
Stewie Griffin : What did you say?
New Brian : Rupert. I humped him for two hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it.
Stewie Griffin : Did he?
New Brian : Yeah and now every time you sleep with him, he's gonna be thinking of me.
Stewie Griffin : [Stewie stares angrily at New Brian for a beat. Cut to outside where Stewie is dragging a large bloody garbage bag to the street]
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Meg Griffin , Peter Griffin , Chris Griffin , Lois Griffin : [New Brian has fallen asleep] Aww!
Peter Griffin : Look at him sleep.
Meg Griffin : I wonder what he's dreaming about.
Peter Griffin : Shut up Meg.
New Brian : [toots quietly]
Peter Griffin : Oh! Did you hear that?
Chris Griffin : He farted!
Peter Griffin : Just like in the song!
Brian Griffin : [He lets loose with a loud disgusting fart]
Peter Griffin : Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? Outside! Outside now!
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New Brian : Hey, Meg, I know how you like to let off steam once in a while, so I got you a journal.
Meg Griffin : You got me a journal?
New Brian : Actually, I got you two of them. My right ear and my left ear.
[sitting down]
New Brian : Fire away.
Meg Griffin : Dear diary, today at the school library, I saw a picture in National Geographic of a woman with nipples that cover most of her breasts, too. And suddenly, I didn't feel so alone.
New Brian : You know what it sounds like to me? Sounds like the woman in that picture was pretty beautiful.
[she smiles in appreciation]
New Brian : All right, I'll see you at dinner.
[tossing something to her]
New Brian : Think fast!
Meg Griffin : Wow! Deodorant! Are you sure I'm old enough?
New Brian : Oh, I think so. I'm gonna make you a little less gross every day.
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Peter Griffin : Hey, New Brian.
[sweetly]
Peter Griffin : Oh, you have a guitar!
New Brian : Yep. In fact, I wrote a new song today. And I want to hear what you think of it.
Peter Griffin : Where did you find the time for that?
New Brian : Peter, inspiration doesn't have a schedule.
[he begins playing]
New Brian : I don't like fancy learnin' books/I don't like apple tarts/I don't like cozy breakfast nooks/I don't like modern arts... Well, I like farts.
Peter Griffin : Ha-ha-ha!
New Brian : Yes, I like farts/I like long farts, short farts, wet farts, your farts/I like farts, if you've got heart.
Peter Griffin : Oh, I've got heart!
New Brian : Let's hear those farts.
Peter Griffin : How do I start?
New Brian : Well, Peter, I will help you get your fartin' started.
[together, they blow raspberries in a musical rhythm]
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New Brian : Hey, Brian, I went out for a run this morning and I found this stick. I thought you might like it.
Brian Griffin : Wow. Thanks a lot.
New Brian : [giving him a bag of weed] And I got you some of this. I don't smoke it myself, but I sure won't judge you.
Brian Griffin : Gosh, thanks.
New Brian : Check you later, handsome guy.
Brian Griffin : [Stewie comes in as New Brian leaves] Well, you know, I wasn't sure about this new dog thing at first, but I got to tell you, he's a really terrific guy.
Stewie Griffin : You poor, damn fool.
Brian Griffin : What?
Stewie Griffin : You have no idea what's going on here. He's not just a delightful new friend for the family. He's your replacement.
Brian Griffin : Oh, come on, that's ridiculous.
Stewie Griffin : You're getting old, Brian, and they know it. You're no longer the cover girl. Look at Carol Alt. Th-That's what... y-you're Carol Alt.
Brian Griffin : I'm through listening to you.
Stewie Griffin : Fine. Think what you want, aging supermodel Carol Alt.
Carol Alt's Husband : [cut to an apparently empty bedroom] Carol, come in here! They're saying your name on the "Family Man"!
Carol Alt : [sticking an ear trumpet out from under the bedsheets] What?
Carol Alt's Husband : Huh?
Carol Alt : What?
Carol Alt's Husband : Huh?
Carol Alt : What?
Carol Alt's Husband : I forget.
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Stewie Griffin : [Brian doesn't believe that Peter got New Brian to eventually replace him] All the evidence is right in front of your nose.
Peter Griffin : [laughing with New Brian as they come downstairs] That's hilarious, New Brian. Now do your impression of Punky Brewster's father.
New Brian : [lowering the pitch of his voice] Punky.
[Peter laughs]
New Brian : Oh, Punky!
[Peter laughs again]
New Brian : Oh, Punky, you have a dog named Brandon.
[Peter laughs again as they leave]
Stewie Griffin : [to Brian] Hi. I'm Carol Alt for Poli-grip.
Carol Alt's Husband : [cutaway] They did it again!
Carol Alt : Who?
Carol Alt's Husband : The Family Man.
Carol Alt : Is that the one with the fish?
Carol Alt's Husband : No, that's "American Boy".
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Peter Griffin : Good morning, everybody. Brian, I have something to say. I'm sorry I've been so preoccupied by your age.
Brian Griffin : Well, look, Peter, don't worry. Let's just forget about it.
Peter Griffin : Fantastic. And to help us forget about it, family, I'd like to introduce... New Brian.
New Brian : Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here?
Stewie Griffin : [everybody but Brian laughs] Oh, I like him.
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Peter Griffin : [waking up to New Brian playing the flute] My word, what a gorgeous way to wake up!
New Brian : I hope you don't mind. I checked the time your alarm was set for and I shut it off. I figured this might be a more gentle way to start off the day.
Lois Griffin : Oh, that is so thoughtful, New Brian.
[he begins again, then stops as Peter touches the top of his head]
New Brian : [whispering] I'll start up again in nine minutes.
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Brian Griffin : You got a new dog?
Peter Griffin : Yes, sir.
Brian Griffin : But... I'm the dog.
Peter Griffin : Well, now that you're getting older, New Brian's here to take some of the load off.
Chris Griffin : Can he do tricks?
Peter Griffin : Oh, you bet. He's trained to fetch, roll over, and make you feel really good about yourself.
New Brian : Wow, Meg and Chris! I can't decide which one of your hats I like better!
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Stewie Griffin : Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool wHip. Everything's better with Cool wHip. Did you hear what I said?
New Brian : Yeah. What about it?
Stewie Griffin : It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? Cool wHip?
New Brian : No. Why would it?
Stewie Griffin : Cool wHip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H."
New Brian : Sounds right to me.
Stewie Griffin : Nothing ever bothers you, does it?
New Brian : No, not really. I like everything.
Stewie Griffin : God, he's a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington.
Buzz Killington : [pan over to him] Stewie, do you know why W.S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his trans-Atlantic crossings?
Stewie Griffin : No.
Buzz Killington : Because he was quartered on the port side.
[chuckling at his joke]
Buzz Killington : Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the Doyle Carte Opera Company.
Stewie Griffin : [disdainfully pinching the bridge of his nose] Ahh!
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New Brian : Hey, gang! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here?
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New Brian : I'm gonna make you a little less gross every day.