- Brian Griffin: What's it called?
- Stewie Griffin: Susie.
- Brian Griffin: Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
- Stewie Griffin: Name twenty!
- Brian Griffin: Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From the Block.
- Stewie Griffin: Name six more!
- Brian Griffin: Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
- Stewie Griffin: Name five more!
- Brian Griffin: Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary Ann, Eleanor Rigby.
- Stewie Griffin: [throws his guitar down on the ground; as he walks out:] Go fuck yourself!
- Joe Swanson: Guys... put the money back and get outta there.
- Peter Griffin: What? Are you out of your mind?
- Joe Swanson: Tell him, Megatron.
- Megatron: Do as I command!
- Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, jeez.
- Cleveland Brown: [Voice Identification]
- [In Carter's voice]
- Cleveland Brown: It's me Carter, I want my money.
- Computer: Voice print verified.
- Glenn Quagmire: How the hell'd you do that?
- Cleveland Brown: I can do you guys too.
- [In Peter's exact voice]
- Cleveland Brown: Hey everybody.
- Peter Griffin: [Peter brightens up] Oh hey Peter!
- Cleveland Brown: No it's still me.
- Dr. Hibbert: [Bonnie Swanson is in labor] Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push!
- Joe Swanson: Get outta there! Get the hell outta my wife, you little bastard!
- Joe Swanson: I don't know, Peter. We've been out here all day and we haven't managed to interest a single woman in our massage parlor.
- Peter Griffin: Wait a minute, here comes somebody. Excuse me, stressed-out lady. May I interest you in a full-release relaxation massage?
- Woman on street: Oh, yeah. Just what I need: To be rubbed down by a big fatty, an old black guy, a cripple and a pervert.
- Cleveland Brown: Now we don't have any money, AND our feelings are hurt.
- Glenn Quagmire: [to Joe] Well, it's your fault for getting her knocked up. That's why I always use a c...
- [laughs]
- Glenn Quagmire: cond...
- [laughs]
- Glenn Quagmire: I'm sorry I can't even say that with a straight face.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: [after blending up a stack of $20,000 bills and drinks it] In about an hour, I'm going to piss away 20 grand.
- Glenn Quagmire: What, are you gonna bet on the Knicks?
- [laughs]
- Glenn Quagmire: Is that... I'm sorry, I mean how often, I mean... oh man, nobody thinks that's funny?
- Peter Griffin: [to Bonnie] Okay, I'm going to turn on "Two and a Half Men." If your baby isn't brain-dead, it'll come running out to change the channel.
- Stewie Griffin: [Stewie sees Bonnie feeding Suzie] Oh my god, she's so hot. Look at that, she can fit that whole bottle in her mouth.
- [he picks up his guitar]
- Stewie Griffin: Alright, come on Stewie, you can write a song, how hard can it be?
- [starts strumming the guitar, singing]
- Stewie Griffin: You've got your G chord right here./ It's like your cozy house where you live./ That's where you start your journey./ Here I am in my house, nice and cozy./ Then you poke your head out with a C chord./ Everything looks okay out here./ Maybe I'll take a walk outside./ To the D chord./ Oh, walking around outside./ Look at all the stuff out here./ Then we go to an A minor./ Getting a little cloudy out here./ Looking like we might have some weather./ Then we go to E minor./ Oh, definitely got some weather./ Things were a little more complicated than they seemed at first./ And then we go back to my house!
- Brian Griffin: [interrupting his song] You sound like an unbelievable douche.
- Stewie Griffin: [Picks up the beat of his song] Then, Brian comes in, and I change up the tempo./ Brian comes in, and he changes the song./ Looking at me, like he thinks I'm a douchebag./ But he's gonna learn pretty fast that he's wrong./ Hey, Brian, why are you bringing me down, man?/ Why are you bringing me down?/ DON'T BRING ME DOWN!
- [ends his song]
- Stewie Griffin: Music and lyrics by Stewie Griffin.
- Stewie Griffin: [Stewie has just shown Brian his music video] Don't worry, Brian. Those goosebumps will go away in about twenty minutes.
- Brian Griffin: Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face.
- Joe Swanson: Guys! Bonnie's going into labor! We gotta get her to the hospital! Quick, Peter, get the car!
- Peter Griffin: No way! I don't want pregnant mess in my back seat.
- Cleveland Brown: Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test driving that sports car.