Castle (TV Series)

Always Buy Retail (2009)

Nathan Fillion: Richard Castle

Quotes 

• Kate Beckett : If she's so bad, then why'd you sleep with her this morning?

  Richard Castle : Let me tell you something about crazy people. The sex is unbelievable.

  Kate Beckett : How shallow are you?

  Richard Castle : Very.

• [talking about Castle's ex-wife planning to move back to New York] 

  Richard Castle : Well, what do you want me to do, Mother? It's not like I could ban her from New York.

  Martha Rogers : And this whole theater thing, it's ridiculous. You know, she hasn't landed a role in months. Uh-huh. That's right. I made a couple of calls. Why do you think she's moving back to New York? She can't get *arrested* in L.A.!

  Richard Castle : I wonder if she could get arrested in New York. I know people now.

• Kate Beckett : You dragged me in here so that you could read from your own book?

  Richard Castle : Hey, there's a lot of good stuff in here, and some of it is factual.

• Meredith : [after Castle and his ex-wife have sex]  We have had fun, haven't we?

  Richard Castle : Oh, yeah.

  Meredith : Makes you wonder why we ever got divorced.

  Richard Castle : I know, right? I mean, except for you... having an affair with your director... and moving to Malibu and serving me with divorce papers... I think we really had a chance.

  Meredith : I'm moving back.

  Richard Castle : [drops the fun and looks stunned]  Back to New York?

  Meredith : [bouncing with happiness]  I miss it. I miss it. I miss Alexis. I miss you.

  Richard Castle : [unsuccessfully trying to hide an unhappy expression]  Um, what about your career?

  Meredith : L.A.'s changed. I, the juicy roles just aren't there for an actress of my caliber. I need a change. Like Broadway, maybe. The legitimate stage.

  Richard Castle : Yeah. Well, ho-ho-ho. Wow. Time out, hey. Wait a minute. Meredith, hold on. Have you really... thought this through?

  Meredith : [grinning lasciviously]  Oh, what's to think about? You, me, Alexis, all living in the same city. It's gonna be just like old times.

  [She moves in to kiss him and, over her shoulder, the camera captures his look of horror] 

• [at Castle's direction, Esposito opens the victim's mouth and pulls out a bag containing a metal disk] 

  Javier Esposito : What does it mean?

  Richard Castle : It's Vodun.

  Javier Esposito : Vodun? What is that, some kind of Star Trek thing?

  [grins mockingly] 

  Kevin Ryan : No, dude, it's a religion practiced primarily in West Africa.

  [when the others look at him] 

  Kevin Ryan : What? I read, too.

  Richard Castle : The, uh, blood in the bowl? Most likely animal. Part of the ceremony. The pouch is an offering to the spirits, but I don't recognize the symbol.

  Javier Esposito : You did, you'd be a suspect. So how do you know about all this?

  Richard Castle : Research for my sixth Derek Storm novel.

  Kevin Ryan : "Unholy Storm".

  Richard Castle : Yes, thank you. And, uh, Vodun's not just limited to West Africa. It's also practiced by Haitian and Dominican communities right here in New York.

• Richard Castle : Michelle taught me everything I know about Vodun.

  Michelle : Which, obviously, isn't much. That scene with the topless girl and the chicken blood? What was that?

  [Kate looks away, trying not to laugh] 

  Richard Castle : I took a few liberties.

• [Kate and Castle are questioning a shop owner who has a large TV screen in his window and a videocam always running; it faces Oni's knock-off warehouse] 

  Oscar : What can I say? People like to see themselves on television. I mean, you would not believe the things people do in front of a camera.

  Richard Castle : [maybe a little too fascinated]  I'm listening.

  Oscar : Like this one chick, she's standing there, right in front of the store, and she starts to take off her, uh...

  Kate Beckett : [bored with the interest in exhibitionism]  Just show us the recordings from the past couple of days, okay?

  Richard Castle : Her blood sugar gets low, she gets a little cranky.

  Kate Beckett : Zip it... kitten.

• Richard Castle : Look, can I call you back? I'm right in the middle of capturing a very dangerous Nigerian drug lord. It's kind of a thing.

• Kate Beckett : Castle! Castle!

  Richard Castle : I'm on TV.

  Kate Beckett : Are you having a breakdown?

  Richard Castle : Not a breakdown, a breakthrough. And I really am ruggedly handsome, aren't I?

  Kate Beckett : I'm waiting for the breakthrough.

• Kate Beckett : You okay, Castle?

  Richard Castle : My first gun battle.

  Kate Beckett : Your last gun battle.

  Richard Castle : Mmm. Don't be so pessimistic. I think I handled myself pretty well.

  Kate Beckett : Yeah. Probably saved my life.

  Richard Castle : Probably? I *definitely* saved you life. And you know what that means, don't you? It means you owe me.

  Kate Beckett : Owe you what?

  Richard Castle : Whatever I want. And you know exactly what I want, don't you? You know what I really... really... want you to do.

  [whispers in Kate's ear] 

  Richard Castle : Never, ever, call me kitten.

• Kate Beckett : And you call your ex-wife "a deep-fried Twinkie."

  Richard Castle : Oh, trust me. As annoying and intrusive as you think I am, she's a million times worse.

• Richard Castle : [in a shootout with Baylor]  I've written this scene about a hundred times. We give him what he wants, you know how it ends? Badly. And by "badly", I mean us dead.

  Kate Beckett : Just stay down.

  Richard Castle : You stay down.

  Kate Beckett : I can't shoot him from down here.

  Richard Castle : Yeah, he can't shoot you, either.

• Richard Castle : I had sex with my ex-wife this morning. My first ex-wife, Meredith, Alexis' mom. And, she's thinking about moving back to New York. Do you know what that would mean, to me? That would be a very special brand of hell. The hell of a deep-fried Twinkie.

  Kevin Ryan : A deep-fried Twinkie?

  Richard Castle : Yeah. The guilty pleasure that you know is bad for you, so you only do it once, maybe twice a year for the novelty. But a deep-fried Twinkie every day is...

  Kate Beckett : Castle!

• [about Castle's first ex-wife] 

  Martha Rogers : Why did you marry her, anyway?

  Richard Castle : [in mock wonder]  I don't know, Mother. Maybe she reminded me of you.

• Kate Beckett : Castle!

  Richard Castle : What?

  Kate Beckett : Crime scene... Dead body... A little respect here.

  Richard Castle : I don't think he can hear me.

• Richard Castle : I had this dream once, only I was naked and far less embarrassed.

• Kate Beckett : This ritual, I assume that it was done for a specific purpose?

  Javier Esposito : That's only if you're assuming that the guy doing this was rational.

  Richard Castle : No, no. She's right. It might not make sense to you or me, but, uh, if you find out why he did this, we might find your killer.

  [Esposito and Ryan look at each other, nodding and grinning about the new guy telling them their jobs] 

  Javier Esposito : Yes. Kinda how we do it.

• Richard Castle : This once, when Alexis was nine, Meredith dropped by to take her out to lunch.

  Kate Beckett : So?

  Richard Castle : In Paris.

• Michelle : You know, from the design, I'd say this isn't Haitian, Jamaican or Dominican. This is hard-core Nigerian.

  Kate Beckett : What about this charm?

  Michelle : The charm's an offering to a Vodun saint, or loa. In this case, it's Ogun. He's usually called upon to help find something that's been lost.

  Richard Castle : So our killer's looking for something.

  Michelle : Something the victim once possessed.

  Kate Beckett : Maybe that's why he was tortured.

• Richard Castle : [about his ex-wife]  She's Auntie Mame on meth.

• [while on the phone with Meredith, Castle saw the murder suspect drive by in his car] 

  Kate Beckett : What do you mean you didn't get the plate?

  Richard Castle : Uh... there was a... it was coming...

  Javier Esposito : What kind of car was it?

  Richard Castle : Uh, it was big. It was an SUV, I think.

  Kevin Ryan : You think? What about the color?

  Richard Castle : Uh, black. Dark blue. Uh... it's very hard being a witness. I don't know how you guys ever get a conviction.

• Kate Beckett : [showing Beckett his new Kevlar vest]  And look...

  Kate Beckett : Writer?

  Richard Castle : Uh-huh. Cool, huh?

  Kate Beckett : No. Not cool. You don't need a vest.

  Richard Castle : If you shoot me, do I not bleed?

  Kate Beckett : You're not gonna get shot, and you know why? Because you are going nowhere near the gunfire. You're staying here.

  Richard Castle : Yes, we've seen how well that works.

• [first lines] 

  [after Castle and Meredith finish having wild sex] 

  Richard Castle : [panting]  That was...

  Meredith : [also panting]  Oh, yeah... Top 10, at least.

  Richard Castle : Maybe top 20.

  Meredith : Not top 10?

  Richard Castle : Well... There was Paris... Kauai... Yankee Stadium...

  Meredith : Oh, that place in the Poconos.

  Richard Castle : Yes... Mykonos... Coney Island... And then there was Staten Island.

  Meredith : Oh, and the hot air balloon.

  Richard Castle : The Westminster Dog Show... that was...

  Meredith : That's only nine.

  Richard Castle : The night we made Alexis.

• [last lines] 

  Alexis Castle : Okay, Dad, spill.

  Richard Castle : What?

  Alexis Castle : What did you do?

  Richard Castle : Nothing.

  [Alexis and Martha look at him skeptically] 

  Richard Castle : Oh, my business manager called with an excellent investment opportunity... a small, artsy independent feature.

  Martha Rogers : Oh, that's my boy!

  Richard Castle : [chuckles]  She's perfect for the role. I'm doing them a favor, I think.

  [to Alexis] 

  Richard Castle : I hope you don't mind

  Alexis Castle : Raising one parent's hard enough. I don't know what I'd do if I had to raise two.

  Martha Rogers : There wasn't a little part for me in the artsy...

  Richard Castle : No. No.

  Martha Rogers : No. All right.

• Richard Castle : Oh, there's a lawyer joke there somewhere. I just can't think of it.

• Kevin Ryan : Why would a guy mark his own stall with the death symbol?

  Richard Castle : He wouldn't. This symbol was meant for him. Charles Oni's been marked for death.