- Sue Sylvester: This is what we call a total disaster ladies. I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure and it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.
- Rachel Berry: We need to have a gayvention. That's gay intervention.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: It's K-K-Kurt. He's lady fabulous.
- Mercedes Jones: Look, just because he wears nice clothes doesn't mean he's on the down low.
- Rachel Berry: He wore a corset to second period today.
- Howard Bamboo: Who is Josh Groban?
- Sandy Ryerson: Who is Josh Groban? Kill yourself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us. And if he were here right now, I would club you to death with his Critic's Choice Award.
- Josh Groban: So, which one of you is, uh... Sandy?
- Sandy Ryerson: [raising his hand] Ooh! Mr. Groban, we are so honored that you came here today.
- Josh Groban: I came here to tell you...
- Sandy Ryerson: Yes, sir?
- Josh Groban: Stop e-mailing me. This is a restraining order. Stop sending me nude photos. Stop calling me. I don't know how you got my number! I don't know how you got my number again after I changed it, but I don't want any more of your edible gift baskets or locks of your hair, and I don't want to read any more of those sonnets you wrote for me.
- Flex, The Bodyguard: That stuff got crazy, dude.
- Josh Groban: Are we clear?
- Principal Figgins: I need those parents happy! They found out we've been serving the children prison food.
- Sandy Ryerson: He's here, he's here! Josh Groban is here! Front row, big brown eyes, cute as a buttermilk biscuit. I barfed.
- Mercedes Jones: Damn Kurt! This car is fly!
- Kurt Hummel: My dad got it for my sweet sixteen after I swore to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee.
- [camera shows he is wearing one such sweater]
- Kurt Hummel: What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
- Mr. Schuester: Sorry about the whole Josh Groban thing.
- Will Schuester: Nah, it's all right. How are the other guys taking it?
- Mr. Schuester: That Ryerson guy cried himself to sleep in Figgins' arms and Ken Tanaka is raiding the nacho bar. What about you? You okay?
- Will Schuester: You know, dad... I am. I mean, this was all a dream come true, but... I'm a teacher. And a really good one. That's enough for me.
- Mr. Schuester: I know. I saw the way your students look at you. You inspire people. You inspired me.
- Will Schuester: What do you mean?
- Mr. Schuester: I'm going to law school. Night classes for now, until I get all of my prerequisites, but I registered yesterday. You made me realize it's never too late to grow a pair and go after your dream.
- Dakota Stanley: Am I hurting your feelings? Did I say something wrong? Because I thought you wanted somebody who respected you enough to tell you the truth. But maybe you don't have the confidence to hear it, hmm? Maybe you need somebody who's going to lie to you and tell you things like "You got what it takes." But you know what? As far as I can see, you don't. So, why don't you just take a little second, take a breather, and ask yourself "Do I want to be a winner or not?".
- Finn Hudson: Screw this. I quit.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: Me, t-t-t-too.
- Mercedes Jones: Let's roll, Artie.
- Dakota Stanley: No. Great, great. You know, separate the wheat from the chaff. That's perfect.
- Rachel Berry: Wait. Barbara Streisand. When Barbara was a young ingénue, everyone told her in order to be a star, she'd have to get a nose job. Thankfully, she refused.
- Dakota Stanley: Where's this going, Yentl?
- Rachel Berry: Where it's going is that... we don't need you. Let's face it. We're never going to be as good of dancers as Vocal Adrenaline. We're gonna win because... we're different. And that's what makes us special.
- Mercedes Jones: They told J-Lo her booty was too big.
- Artie Abrams: Curtis Mayfield was more successful after he became paralyzed.
- Finn Hudson: Jim Abbott.
- Kurt Hummel: I have no idea who that is.
- Finn Hudson: He was a one-armed pitcher for the Yankees. Pitched a no-hitter.
- Dakota Stanley: Okay, so, yeah. Misfits and spaz-heads and cripples can make it, too. That's great. What's your point?
- Rachel Berry: Our point is that... you're fired. And I'm taller than you.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [bumping into Finn during practice] Dude, my bowels have better moves than you.
- Will Schuester: Guys, stop. You guys got the steps down. You just need to relax, okay? Um... you guys play baseball, right? What does your coach tell you about hitting?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: If you charge the pitcher, bring the bat.
- Finn Hudson: What's wrong with you?
- Dakota Stanley: What's wrong with me is that you're freakishly tall! I feel like a woodland creature.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: When do we start rehearsals?
- Ken Tanaka: [roughly grabbing him] Now you listen to me, you little psychopath. My love life is hanging by a thread and that thread is Acafellas. It drives my girlfriend nuts in the pants. So if you screw this up for me, I swear to you I will stick my fist so far down your throat, you will taste my armpit hairs. Do I make myself clear?
- [Puck nods]
- Ken Tanaka: [letting him go] Good. We rehearse Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8:00. Don't be late.
- Dakota Stanley: Artie you're cut. You're not trying hard enough.
- Artie Abrams: At what?
- Dakota Stanley: At walking.
- Finn Hudson: But he doesn't want us to, he just doesn't have the confidence to coach us anymore. Guys are real sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff.
- Rachel Berry: And that's my fault?
- Finn Hudson: Do you see anyone else in here with a plate of "I'm sorry" cookies? I don't, just you.
- Sue Sylvester: Let me get this straight. The glee club got rid of Dakota Stanley, Mr Schuester's back and they're busy at work on a new number more confident than ever.
- [Cut to scene of Glee Club rehearsing]
- Sue Sylvester: This is what we call a total disaster ladies. I'm going to have to ask you to smell your armpits.
- Quinn Fabray, Santana Lopez: [They look uncertainly at each other and then smell their armpits]
- Sue Sylvester: That's the smell of failure, and it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.
- [Santana runs out in tears]
- Josh Groban: Now you might be thinking why would a pop star like me come over here and talk to you? Well, let me tell you something, throngs of screaming teenagers don't do it for Josh Groban. No. Josh Groban loves a blousy alcoholic.
- Mrs. Schuester: [belches] You have to forgive me, ma'am, I'm a little bit drunk and I'm afraid I'm not making good choices right now.
- Sandy Ryerson: He's here! Josh Groban is here! He's in the front row... big brown eyes and cute as a buttermilk biscuit. I barfed!
- Ken Tanaka: Who's Josh Groban?
- Sandy Ryerson: Who is Josh Groban? Kill Yourself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver Platinum Records unto us. And if he were here right now I'd club you to death with his Critics' Choice Award.