- P.J. Franklin: [voiceover] A wise man once said, "A little friendly competition never hurt anyone."
- Kenny Morittori: Need any help organizing my money?
- P.J. Franklin: [voiceover] I wonder if he was talkin' about this bunch.
- Andy Franklin: I've been picked last before, but I'm a lawyer now, and I make $800,000 a year.
- Brendan Dorff: You really?
- Andy Franklin: No, but it made you wanna be my friend, didn't it?
- P.J. Franklin: Us, the Dream Team; you, Angola.
- Mike Callahan: Us, Cheez-Its; you, Cheese Nips.
- Kenny Morittori: Us, The Godfather; you, Godfather III.
- Brendan Dorff: Us, Radiohead; y'all, Coldplay.
- Bobby Newman: What's wrong with Coldplay?
- Brendan Dorff: Oh, dude, if you even need to ask...
- Andy Franklin: Who's Coldplay?
- Stephanie Layne: I'm writing an article for Cosmo. It's called "What He's Really Like When You're Not Around."
- Kenny Morittori: When YOU'RE not around? Happier.
- Stephanie Layne: So I need your help.
- Kenny Morittori: You're beyond help.
- Stephanie Layne: Wow. Two jokes in a row, Kenny. You wanna go for three?
- Kenny Morittori: What'd the rug say to the floor?
- Stephanie Layne: I've got ya covered.
- [For a free lunch, the guys agree to be observational subjects for Stephanie's next writing assignment]
- Stephanie Layne: I'll be like... Dian Fossey.
- Bobby Newman: [laughs] That's funny.
- Bobby Newman: [to PJ and the guys, who aren't laughing] Dian Fossey was a woman who watched what apes do for a living.
- Brendan Dorff: Oh.
- Mike Callahan: What did they do?
- Bobby Newman: Who?
- Mike Callahan: The apes.
- Bobby Newman: They were apes.
- Mike Callahan: But did they make stuff?
- Bobby Newman: No.
- Mike Callahan: So what do they do for a living?
- Bobby Newman: Mike, go lie down.
- Mike Callahan: Good work, doctors.
- Brendan Dorff: Yes, very steady hands, gentlemen.
- Andy Franklin: Learned it from a colleague of mine, Johnny Walker Have you two met?
- Mike Callahan: Perhaps he's at the bar!
- P.J. Franklin: I mean, what is it about guys that, when you start dating them, they feel free to have opinions about you?
- Stephanie Layne: Well, they're measuring you against the idea of their dream girl, and they've all got one.
- Mike Callahan: [reading the tie-breaker question in the decathlon] In the song "My darling Clementine," how did Clementine die?
- Andy Franklin: She was hit by a bus.
- Brendan Dorff: Dude, they didn't even have buses back then.
- Andy Franklin: Oh! Oh! She was swallowed by a horse.
- Brendan Dorff: What're you talkin' about? Come on, I know this.
- Andy Franklin: She sat on a muffin.
- Mike Callahan: It's a muffet.
- Brendan Dorff: It's a tuffet. It's the wrong nursery rhyme. You're reading too many Golden Books. Just hold on a second, all right?