- Adrian Monk: [arguing with Natalie about who is first in line while waiting at a bookstore for Christine Rapp] Please!
- Natalie Teeger: No.
- Adrian Monk: Please! I'm saying please.
- Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry, Mr. Monk, I'm not moving.
- Adrian Monk: It's humiliating. Look at me, I'm last in line.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, there are two of us, and you're second.
- Adrian Monk: Out of two. Second out of two. We call that last.
- Kim Kelly: She needs a bodyguard.
- Adrian Monk: Bodyguard, right.
- Kim Kelly: Someone we can trust. I know you're busy...
- Adrian Monk: Oh, I'll do it.
- Kim Kelly: Okay. A thousand dollars a week, is that fair?
- Adrian Monk: Ummm. Okay, it's a deal. I can't pay it all at once.
- Kim Kelly: No, we would pay you.
- Adrian Monk: Oh, even better.
- Adrian Monk: [looking at a ceiling contraption in Christine Rapp's bedroom] A mirror? Oh, very good. Excellent precaution. I see, so that if you're lying in bed and someone breaks in through that door... you have the... triangul... or... I don't get it.
- Christine Rapp: It's more of a personal thing. You know, you should really read my book.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [discussing handwriting] He was obviously disguising it. He probably used his left hand.
- Natalie Teeger: That makes sense.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Or if he was a lefty, he used his right hand.
- Natalie Teeger: That makes sense.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Or if was ambidextrous, he probably got drunk and then wrote it.
- Natalie Teeger: That makes less sense.
- [Stottlemeyer is questioning Stephen Dorn about some things he said regarding Christine Rapp]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Her former costar, Stephen Dorn, declared 'Christine Rapp is dead to me.'"
- Stephen Dorn: That is a figure of speech.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "She's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp. Next time I run into her, I hope I'm driving a truck."
- Adrian Monk: Did you say that? Why would you say that?
- Stephen Dorn: Because she's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp.
- Natalie Teeger: Don't be mad. I know how you hate surprises. So I'm just going to warn you, I'm going to be surprising you.
- Adrian Monk: Wait, when?
- Natalie Teeger: In about 10 seconds. This is sort of a heads up, a sort of alert.
- Adrian Monk: Wait! You can't just burst in here and say "Surprise alert." You have to give me a little warning.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, okay, sorry. This is the surprise alert warning. "This is a surprise alert!" Now... surprise!
- [brings in Cooper Clan DVDs]
- Natalie Teeger: [knocking on the door of Victor Timlinson's apartment] Hello, Mr. Timlinson! I don't think he's home.
- Adrian Monk: Probably not. He's single and he's dead.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, yeah.
- Natalie Teeger: Forget about Christine Rapp and her stupid, stupid book. Everybody in Hollywood's crazy, and if we think about that stuff, nobody would go to the movies.
- Adrian Monk: I don't go to the movies.
- Natalie Teeger: Or watch TV.
- Adrian Monk: I don't watch TV.
- Natalie Teeger: You get my point.
- Adrian Monk: They were the only family I have. Now I got nothing.
- Natalie Teeger: That's not true, Mr. Monk. You got me. And you have Julie, and you have Randy and the Captain. We're your family.
- Adrian Monk: Ehh, it's not the same.
- Natalie Teeger: Sure it is.
- Adrian Monk: You don't say funny things.
- Natalie Teeger: Sure we do.
- Adrian Monk: Say something funny.
- Natalie Teeger: Well, I can't just say funny off the top of my head.
- Adrian Monk: Cathy Cooper could.
- Natalie Teeger: Well, she had writers. Okay, wait wait. I got one. "Knock knock."
- Adrian Monk: That's not funny.