- Roger Bailey: Morning, Ben! Have you tried this yet?
- Ben Harper: What? What is it?
- Roger Bailey: It's Cavicleanse. It's new from Cavitex. It's fantastic. Kills 99% of all known bacteria.
- Ben Harper: Oh, and yet you still live!
- Roger Bailey: [after drinking from the Cavicleanse bottle] A really, erm... interesting tang. Sort of warm, tingling sensation.
- Ben Harper: [Reads ingredients on the bottle] Oh, really? And this... this, erm... warm, tingling sensation - is it getting any warmer?
- Roger Bailey: Mmhmm!
- Ben Harper: Sort of burning, perhaps?
- Roger Bailey: [Sounds worried] Umm!
- Ben Harper: That's because Cavicleanse is for sterilising instruments!
- Janey Harper: You're not still trying to think of something to put in mum's anniversary card, are you?
- Ben Harper: I've got loads of ideas!
- Janey Harper: Like?
- Ben Harper: [pause] Oh, leave me alone!
- Janey Harper: Didn't you use that line last year?
- Ben Harper: There's plenty of time before she gets back from your grandmother's.
- Janey Harper: You can't think of anything, can you?
- Ben Harper: Yeah... look, it's got a perfectly nice message in there already!
- Janey Harper: "Happy anniversary".
- Ben Harper: You see? There you go! Says it all. Although, I'm not crazy about the happy part!
- Janey Harper: Look, why do you find it so hard to express your emotions, dad? Is it because you have none?
- Ben Harper: I wouldn't say none. In fact, you're about to see anger.
- Ben Harper: Hang on. Hang on. Where are you lot going?
- Janey Harper: Pub quiz.
- Ben Harper: Pub quiz? How d... you're going to a pub... and you didn't think to invite me?
- Janey Harper, Michael Harper, Alfie Butts: [laughs]
- Ben Harper: Sorry, what?
- Michael Harper: Oh, well... no offence, dad, but it's about knowing stuff.
- Ben Harper: Listen Stephen Hawking, I know stuff, OK? I know loads of stuff! I've got decades of accumulated wisdom compared to your meagre 18 years!
- Michael Harper: 20.
- Ben Harper: 20! Are you 20? Shouldn't you have a job by now?
- Janey Harper: Look, dad, we would have invited you, but we didn't think you'd be interested.
- Michael Harper: Plus, we got a hand-picked team here. I've got science and current affairs covered, Janey knows music and fashion...
- Ben Harper: Oh, really? And him? Him? What does he know?
- Alfie Butts: I'll have you know, Mr Harper, my specialist subject is geography.
- Ben Harper: Really? Never found your way back to Wales, though, did you?
- Janey Harper: Look, can we go, please? We're supposed to be picking Roger up at quarter-past.
- Ben Harper: Roger? What, our Roger? "Hello, Ben! Turn that frown upside down!" That Roger?
- Michael Harper: He's surprisingly bright, dad.
- Ben Harper: Surprisingly? God, he's a shock! I've swatted bluebottles with bigger intellect than him!
- Janey Harper: Please, dad! You can't keep moaning every time you get an answer wrong.
- Michael Harper: How did you become a dentist?
- Janey Harper: That's another question he can't answer!
- Quizmaster: Last question: what do Woburn, Westminster and Glastonbury have in common? They all have an abbey.
- Roger Bailey: [Cries] Abi!
- Ben Harper: Please, Roger! Roger, not now, please!
- Janey Harper: This is a fun evening, isn't it?
- Barry: You've got the hump because we're first and you lot, you're... oh, eighth!
- Ben Harper: I don't mind being eighth. And I've got the hump, as you so adroitly put it, because some people are not exactly playing by the rules, are they?
- Barry: So what are you saying?
- Ben Harper: I've been watching you. Oh, yes! Phone a friend, eh, Mr Google?
- Barry: I don't like what you're inferring.
- Ben Harper: Implying. I imply, you infer.
- Barry: Outside!
- Ben Harper: Who is?
- Barry: With!
- Ben Harper: With?
- Barry: You and me!
- Janey Harper: What's going on?
- Barry: Yeah, well, me and your granddad are about to settle an argument outside!
- Ben Harper: Erm... I don't remember agreeing to that!
- Barry: Alright! We'll settle it in here, then!
- Michael Harper: Go on, dad! You can use those martial arts skills you're always going on about!
- Ben Harper: Kids, haha! You've got to laugh, haven't you?
- Ben Harper: Hey! I wasn't scared of him, you know?
- Janey Harper: We know.
- Ben Harper: Ah, I could have given him a right good thumping... if you lot hadn't have been there. I mean, it's... you know, it's... not the sort of thing you'd do in front of family, is it?
- Alfie Butts: Exactly, Mr Harper. We... w-we all know that.
- Michael Harper: Dad. Dad, you did the right thing. What is it you're always telling us?
- Ben Harper: "Move out and stop sponging off me!"
- Michael Harper: You tell us to avoid trouble at all costs.
- Ben Harper: Oh, do I? Oh.
- Michael Harper: Yeah. You've acted really responsibly tonight.
- Ben Harper: Really?
- Janey Harper: Yeah. There's no shame in ducking a fight. Mum would have been proud of you.
- Ben Harper: Oh, really? Do you think?
- Alfie Butts: Nobody here thinks you acted like a spineless coward.
- Michael Harper: Right. I mean, you didn't hear any of us use the words 'wimp', 'yellow' or 'gutless' on the way home, did you?
- Ben Harper: [pause] No, no, I didn't.
- Janey Harper, Alfie Butts, Michael Harper: [All breathe a huge sigh of relief]
- Michael Harper: [Filming for a home video bloopers show] OK, Kenzo. Look happy. It's your birthday.
- Kenzo Harper: I've had my birthday.
- Michael Harper: Well, this is another one. A pretend one.
- Kenzo Harper: Pretend? Isn't pretending like lying?
- Alfie Butts: It is a bit, yes.
- Michael Harper: No, it's not! It's fine!
- Kenzo Harper: Mummy says it's wrong to lie.
- Michael Harper: Well, mummy's a fine one to talk!
- Michael Harper: Look, Kenzo, do the stunt and uncle Michael will get you a box of Smarties and some Jelly Babies. How's that?
- Kenzo Harper: £10.
- Michael Harper: What?
- Kenzo Harper: £10.
- Michael Harper: Seven.
- Kenzo Harper: 12.
- Michael Harper: 10.
- Kenzo Harper: Done!
- Michael Harper: [Long pause] He's good, isn't he?
- Alfie Butts: You have to admire his moral flexibility!
- Janey Harper: What's going on?
- Kenzo Harper: Hello, mummy! If I fall into the cake, uncle Michael is going to give me £10!
- Janey Harper: What? Michael, no! He could get hurt!
- Michael Harper: No, it's a shop-bought cake. It's not one of mum's!
- Michael Harper: [while trying to film a dog] This is hopeless. We have to do something before the kid down the road realises his puppy is missing.
- Alfie Butts: [Grabs a bra] Wait, I got an idea! Come on, girl! Grab the bra! Grab the bra and run! Come on, girl! You can do it! Just get it between your teeth and give it a good shake! Grrrr! Grrrr!
- Janey Harper: Get your hands off my bra!
- Michael Harper: First time she's ever said that!
- Janey Harper: You two are such losers!
- Alfie Butts: Actually, Michael, maybe the puppy could run around with a pair of her knickers on his head!
- Janey Harper: Forget it! I'm not having my knickers paraded around in public!
- Michael Harper: And that's the first time she's ever said that as well!
- Roger Bailey: Hello, champ! Ready for the big fight? Michael told me!
- Ben Harper: [to Michael] I thought we were going to keep this between us men!
- Roger Bailey: I'm so very proud of you, Ben. And I speak as one who's been the victim of persistent and... and merciless bullying.
- Ben Harper: What I do at work, Roger, is for your own good.
- Alfie Butts: Your father is going mano-a-mano with that bloke from the other night.
- Janey Harper: What? Just because of a few silly words at a quiz? That's mad!
- Michael Harper: You don't understand. It's not about that. Dad's doing this for every kid who's ever been bullied. Isn't that right, dad?
- Ben Harper: Am I? I am. Yes, I... I am!
- Michael Harper: Yeah, it goes back to dad's childhood. He was bullied at school.
- Janey Harper: Is this true, dad?
- Ben Harper: Yeah, that's right.
- Janey Harper: But that's silly!
- Ben Harper: Oh, silly? Really? You weren't the one being frightened to death by Dani Jarvis!
- Janey Harper: Yeah, but it was such a long time ago! You have to get over it!
- Ben Harper: Yes, I wish I could. But, you know, she scarred me for life!
- Michael Harper: [Long pause] Sorry?
- Ben Harper: What?
- Michael Harper: She?
- Alfie Butts: Dani was a girl?
- Ben Harper: [pause] No.
- Michael Harper: Oh my God! You were... beaten up by a little girl?
- Ben Harper: She wasn't little, Michael! She was Amazonian! She was huge! She was... and you can laugh, go on! But the girls... girls are the worst bullies! I'm telling you! I have been bullied by girls all my life! Your mother! Your mother's mother! Janey!
- Janey Harper: Me? What did I do?
- Ben Harper: Anniversary card?
- Janey Harper: Oh, yeah, OK.
- Ben Harper: Roger! Look at Roger! He's been pushed around by Abi!
- Roger Bailey: I know. I loved it!
- Ben Harper: And Michael, you'll be pushed around by a girl one day - hopefully!
- Ben Harper: Nice work, Kenzo! Owe you a tube of Smarties!
- Kenzo Harper: £10.
- Ben Harper: What?
- Kenzo Harper: £10.
- Ben Harper: Seven.
- Kenzo Harper: 12.
- Ben Harper: 10.
- Kenzo Harper: Done!