Gabriel Thomson: Michael Harper

Quotes 

• Roger Bailey : There's only one Abi.

  Michael Harper : I think we'd all agree on that.

  Roger Bailey : I'll never find anyone else.

  Michael Harper : Sure you will.

  Janey Harper : Roger, you're better off. You'll see. Just give it time.

  Alfie Butts : Janey's right. Time heals all wounds. In another 50 years, you'd be dead, so you won't have to think about it anymore!

• Janey Harper : Roger, I know how difficult this is for you. After my divorce, I wondered if I'd ever find someone else.

  Michael Harper : It took you two minutes.

  Janey Harper : That wasn't love.

• Michael Harper : [after Janey set Roger up with an imaginary girlfriend]  A blonde Swedish girl called Elke.

  Janey Harper : What was I supposed to do? The poor guy's a wreck. I was just being nice.

  Michael Harper : I know. I just didn't know that side of you existed.

• Michael Harper : Hi dad.

  Ben Harper : [Puts arm around Michael]  Lewis!

  Michael Harper : Erm... my name's Michael.

  Ben Harper : Ah! Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy! My little Lewy!

  Michael Harper : Are you having a stroke?

  Ben Harper : From now on, Michael, you will be called Lewis. And you, Janey, would be called Genevieve. And you, Alfie, can still be Alfie. Unless y...

  Susan Harper : [Looking coy] 

  Ben Harper : ...you didn't have an Alfie, as well?

  Susan Harper : It was a one-nighter, Ben. It didn't mean anything.

  Alfie Butts : Hang on! I'm fairly certain I would have remembered that!

  Susan Harper : We're talking about a different Alfie!

  Alfie Butts : Oh, well, that's a relief because when you said it didn't mean anything, that really hurt my feelings!

• Michael Harper : By the way, did you ever tell Roger you made up the whole Elke thing?

  Janey Harper : Oh, you know Roger. It's in one ear and out the other. He'd have walked out the door, seen something shiny and forgotten all about it!

  Roger Bailey : Somebody ask me a question!

  Janey Harper : Why?

  Roger Bailey : I'll answer it - in Swedish! I've been learning it to impress Elke! When do you think I can meet her, Janey?

  Janey Harper : Th... That's hard to say, Roger.

  Michael Harper : Almost impossible to say.

• Michael Harper : What are you doing?

  Janey Harper : [Pours two glasses of wine]  These are for Roger.

  Michael Harper : Haven't you done enough to that poor man?

  Janey Harper : No. Listen. I've handled it. Roger's coming over tonight to meet Elke.

  Michael Harper : That should be very interesting! Can I be here?

  Janey Harper : You have to be here - *you're* Elke!

  Michael Harper : Not on your life!

  Janey Harper : No, no, no! Listen, listen! I've got it all figured out, OK? Once Roger arrives, you ring my phone. I pretend you're Elke and you can't make it because you've left the country. Roger gets let down gently, everybody's happy!

  Michael Harper : So, when you said you'd handled it, you sort of... didn't handle it.

• Roger Bailey : [In the living room, on the phone]  Hi, Elke?

  Michael Harper : [In the kitchen, pretending to be Elke]  Ja?

  Roger Bailey : It's me - Roger!

  Michael Harper : Ja?

  Roger Bailey : This... this is a very good connection! You sound like you're in the next room!

  Michael Harper : Ja!

  Roger Bailey : Ledsen att jag inte fick trafide. Skulle du vilja att jag kom og besogt a det Sverige?

  Michael Harper : [pause]  Ja...

  Roger Bailey : She said yes! Bye, Elke! Oh - hej då!

  Janey Harper : What did you ask her?

  Roger Bailey : She knows!