Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : We were such good friends at university. It's a shame that two people so close could just grow apart.

  Ben Harper : [Reading his book]  Yeah...

  Susan Harper : You're not listening to me, are you?

  Ben Harper : Mmm... No?

  Susan Harper : Twit!

  Ben Harper : Susan, if you turn this whole diatribe into an action thriller, I promise to read it, OK?

• Susan Harper : This is serious. Margot's going through a tough time. She's getting a divorce.

  Ben Harper : Well, Jason Bourne's got his problems and people are trying to kill him!

• Susan Harper : Margot is a friend in need and we're going to be there for her.

  Ben Harper : We? Sorry, Susan, this sounds like a one-person job to me.

  Susan Harper : She must be devastated. Imagine how hard it would be if after all these years, you were suddenly left alone.

  Ben Harper : [Grins] 

  Susan Harper : Ben!

• Susan Harper : Hi Ben! This is my friend, Margot!

  Ben Harper : Oh, Margot! I've heard so much about you - all of it, last night.

  Margot : So, you're the one who took Susan off the market!

  Ben Harper : Yes - impulse buy!

• Margot : [to Susan]  Whatever happened to Nick?

  Ben Harper : Nick? Huh! He moved out ages ago! Good riddance!

  Margot : Nick lived with you?

  Ben Harper : Yes, he lived with us. He's our son.

  Margot : Oh, I meant Susan's old boyfriend Nick.

  Ben Harper : Hang on. You named our first born after one of your boyfriends?

  Susan Harper : I just liked the name!

  Ben Harper : Well, I like pizza, but I'm not going to call my son Pepperoni!

  Margot : Oh, don't worry, Ben. She was never that serious about Nick. I always thought you'd end up with Michael.

  Ben Harper : Michael?

  Susan Harper : It was so long ago!

  Ben Harper : You named our children after your exes? What about Janey?

  Susan Harper : Everybody experiments!

• Ben Harper : I think we should have something named after one of my girlfriends in this house. Hmm? How about a labrador called Shirley?

  Susan Harper : I didn't think you liked dogs.

  Ben Harper : I didn't like Shirley much, but that's not the point.

• Susan Harper : Look, Ben, I know you're upset. But think about it - I may have named our children after old boyfriends, but I had children with you.

  Ben Harper : Hmm... I got the short end of that stick!

• Ben Harper : If I'm going to name my children, it would be more appropriate names! I'm going to name Janey Genevieve after one of my university girlfriends. I'm going to name Michael Lewis.

  Susan Harper : You experimented, too?

  Ben Harper : He was my grandfather!

• Ben Harper : I can't look at you without picturing all those men and that... that... woman. Blonde, was she?

  Susan Harper : What does that matter?

  Ben Harper : It's for later!

• Michael Harper : Hi dad.

  Ben Harper : [Puts arm around Michael]  Lewis!

  Michael Harper : Erm... my name's Michael.

  Ben Harper : Ah! Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy! My little Lewy!

  Michael Harper : Are you having a stroke?

  Ben Harper : From now on, Michael, you will be called Lewis. And you, Janey, would be called Genevieve. And you, Alfie, can still be Alfie. Unless y...

  Susan Harper : [Looking coy] 

  Ben Harper : ...you didn't have an Alfie, as well?

  Susan Harper : It was a one-nighter, Ben. It didn't mean anything.

  Alfie Butts : Hang on! I'm fairly certain I would have remembered that!

  Susan Harper : We're talking about a different Alfie!

  Alfie Butts : Oh, well, that's a relief because when you said it didn't mean anything, that really hurt my feelings!

• Margot : Listen, I've got a favour to ask you. A friend told me that Phil's going on a date this weekend. I was thinking about going out tonight to try to find someone to make him jealous. Do you want to come? I know it sounds petty.

  Susan Harper : I love being petty! It will be fun!

• Susan Harper : Janey, you want to join us on a girls night out?

  Janey Harper : Mum, pulling middle-aged men isn't my idea of fun. I'm not 20 any more!

• Susan Harper : [Counting how many phone numbers she and Ben collected]  Well, I have 18. How many do you have?

  Ben Harper : [pause]  One.

  Susan Harper : Well, this doesn't count.

  Ben Harper : Why not?

  Susan Harper : It's from a man!

  Ben Harper : You didn't specify gender.

  Susan Harper : I didn't think we had to!

  Ben Harper : Technically, Jared's a female trapped in a man's body.

• Ben Harper : [Susan presents him with some flowers]  Oh, darling! For me?

  Susan Harper : For your date.

  Ben Harper : For my... very good! I wouldn't have thought of that!

  Susan Harper : I know!

• Susan Harper : Have you seen Ben?

  Alfie Butts : Well, I've been up since 3am and I haven't seen him.

  Susan Harper : Why were you up at 3am?

  Alfie Butts : Even though intellectually I know there are no animals to feed, my body refuses to believe it.

• Susan Harper : Ben, it's fairly obvious you're in the wardrobe! I'm going to count to three! When I reach three, I'm going to assume you're not in the wardrobe and therefore won't be in danger when I set fire to it!

• Susan Harper : How could you?

  Ben Harper : Susan, I swear to you, nothing happened! Nothing... happened. Nothing happened, did it?

  Margot : We didn't do anything! We just had too much to drink, that's all. Ben was nice enough to see me home, he sang two verses of I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt and then passed out!

• Margot : Susan, please! In all the time we knew each other, did I ever make a play for one of your boyfriends?

  Susan Harper : No... but I could trust them.

  Ben Harper : Well, maybe you should have married one of them, then!

• Margot : [Shoving Susan and Ben into her wardrobe]  Please! I'm trying to save my marriage!

  Susan Harper : I'm not hiding with him!

  Ben Harper : I'm not hiding with you, either!

  Margot : Shut up!

• Ben Harper : Look, let's just calm down and think. I swear to you, I didn't do anything.

  Susan Harper : Prove it!

  Ben Harper : [Thinks]  I drank champagne! I drank champagne! You know what happens to me when I drink champagne!

  Susan Harper : Oh, thank God! You really didn't sleep with her!