- Susan Harper: We were such good friends at university. It's a shame that two people so close could just grow apart.
- Ben Harper: [Reading his book] Yeah...
- Susan Harper: You're not listening to me, are you?
- Ben Harper: Mmm... No?
- Susan Harper: Twit!
- Ben Harper: Susan, if you turn this whole diatribe into an action thriller, I promise to read it, OK?
- Susan Harper: This is serious. Margot's going through a tough time. She's getting a divorce.
- Ben Harper: Well, Jason Bourne's got his problems and people are trying to kill him!
- Susan Harper: Margot is a friend in need and we're going to be there for her.
- Ben Harper: We? Sorry, Susan, this sounds like a one-person job to me.
- Susan Harper: She must be devastated. Imagine how hard it would be if after all these years, you were suddenly left alone.
- Ben Harper: [Grins]
- Susan Harper: Ben!
- Susan Harper: Hi Ben! This is my friend, Margot!
- Ben Harper: Oh, Margot! I've heard so much about you - all of it, last night.
- Margot: So, you're the one who took Susan off the market!
- Ben Harper: Yes - impulse buy!
- Margot: [to Susan] Whatever happened to Nick?
- Ben Harper: Nick? Huh! He moved out ages ago! Good riddance!
- Margot: Nick lived with you?
- Ben Harper: Yes, he lived with us. He's our son.
- Margot: Oh, I meant Susan's old boyfriend Nick.
- Ben Harper: Hang on. You named our first born after one of your boyfriends?
- Susan Harper: I just liked the name!
- Ben Harper: Well, I like pizza, but I'm not going to call my son Pepperoni!
- Margot: Oh, don't worry, Ben. She was never that serious about Nick. I always thought you'd end up with Michael.
- Ben Harper: Michael?
- Susan Harper: It was so long ago!
- Ben Harper: You named our children after your exes? What about Janey?
- Susan Harper: Everybody experiments!
- Roger Bailey: This is the last of Abi's stuff. I want her belongings to be somewhere that'd be treasured and treated with the respect they deserve.
- Alfie Butts: Oh, is that an electric toothbrush?
- Roger Bailey: There's only one Abi.
- Michael Harper: I think we'd all agree on that.
- Roger Bailey: I'll never find anyone else.
- Michael Harper: Sure you will.
- Janey Harper: Roger, you're better off. You'll see. Just give it time.
- Alfie Butts: Janey's right. Time heals all wounds. In another 50 years, you'd be dead, so you won't have to think about it anymore!
- Janey Harper: Roger, I know how difficult this is for you. After my divorce, I wondered if I'd ever find someone else.
- Michael Harper: It took you two minutes.
- Janey Harper: That wasn't love.
- Michael Harper: [after Janey set Roger up with an imaginary girlfriend] A blonde Swedish girl called Elke.
- Janey Harper: What was I supposed to do? The poor guy's a wreck. I was just being nice.
- Michael Harper: I know. I just didn't know that side of you existed.
- Ben Harper: I think we should have something named after one of my girlfriends in this house. Hmm? How about a labrador called Shirley?
- Susan Harper: I didn't think you liked dogs.
- Ben Harper: I didn't like Shirley much, but that's not the point.
- Susan Harper: Look, Ben, I know you're upset. But think about it - I may have named our children after old boyfriends, but I had children with you.
- Ben Harper: Hmm... I got the short end of that stick!
- Ben Harper: If I'm going to name my children, it would be more appropriate names! I'm going to name Janey Genevieve after one of my university girlfriends. I'm going to name Michael Lewis.
- Susan Harper: You experimented, too?
- Ben Harper: He was my grandfather!
- Ben Harper: I can't look at you without picturing all those men and that... that... woman. Blonde, was she?
- Susan Harper: What does that matter?
- Ben Harper: It's for later!
- Michael Harper: Hi dad.
- Ben Harper: [Puts arm around Michael] Lewis!
- Michael Harper: Erm... my name's Michael.
- Ben Harper: Ah! Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy! My little Lewy!
- Michael Harper: Are you having a stroke?
- Ben Harper: From now on, Michael, you will be called Lewis. And you, Janey, would be called Genevieve. And you, Alfie, can still be Alfie. Unless y...
- Susan Harper: [Looking coy]
- Ben Harper: ...you didn't have an Alfie, as well?
- Susan Harper: It was a one-nighter, Ben. It didn't mean anything.
- Alfie Butts: Hang on! I'm fairly certain I would have remembered that!
- Susan Harper: We're talking about a different Alfie!
- Alfie Butts: Oh, well, that's a relief because when you said it didn't mean anything, that really hurt my feelings!
- Margot: Listen, I've got a favour to ask you. A friend told me that Phil's going on a date this weekend. I was thinking about going out tonight to try to find someone to make him jealous. Do you want to come? I know it sounds petty.
- Susan Harper: I love being petty! It will be fun!
- Susan Harper: Janey, you want to join us on a girls night out?
- Janey Harper: Mum, pulling middle-aged men isn't my idea of fun. I'm not 20 any more!
- Ben Harper: It won't be too difficult to find you someone here, Margot! I'm very popular, you know? Ah! Hi, Kenny!
- Kenny: Go to hell, Harper!
- Man at Bar: [about Susan and Margot] Do you know those two ladies?
- Ben Harper: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The one with long dark hair - she's called Margot. I'd go for her.
- Man at Bar: I was thinking about her friend. She's pretty cute.
- Ben Harper: Cute? Yeah... if you like Hepatitis!
- Michael Harper: By the way, did you ever tell Roger you made up the whole Elke thing?
- Janey Harper: Oh, you know Roger. It's in one ear and out the other. He'd have walked out the door, seen something shiny and forgotten all about it!
- Roger Bailey: Somebody ask me a question!
- Janey Harper: Why?
- Roger Bailey: I'll answer it - in Swedish! I've been learning it to impress Elke! When do you think I can meet her, Janey?
- Janey Harper: Th... That's hard to say, Roger.
- Michael Harper: Almost impossible to say.
- Alfie Butts: When I was a boy, I had an imaginary friend. I was devastated when I found out I had made him up.
- Susan Harper: [Counting how many phone numbers she and Ben collected] Well, I have 18. How many do you have?
- Ben Harper: [pause] One.
- Susan Harper: Well, this doesn't count.
- Ben Harper: Why not?
- Susan Harper: It's from a man!
- Ben Harper: You didn't specify gender.
- Susan Harper: I didn't think we had to!
- Ben Harper: Technically, Jared's a female trapped in a man's body.
- Ben Harper: [Susan presents him with some flowers] Oh, darling! For me?
- Susan Harper: For your date.
- Ben Harper: For my... very good! I wouldn't have thought of that!
- Susan Harper: I know!
- Michael Harper: What are you doing?
- Janey Harper: [Pours two glasses of wine] These are for Roger.
- Michael Harper: Haven't you done enough to that poor man?
- Janey Harper: No. Listen. I've handled it. Roger's coming over tonight to meet Elke.
- Michael Harper: That should be very interesting! Can I be here?
- Janey Harper: You have to be here - *you're* Elke!
- Michael Harper: Not on your life!
- Janey Harper: No, no, no! Listen, listen! I've got it all figured out, OK? Once Roger arrives, you ring my phone. I pretend you're Elke and you can't make it because you've left the country. Roger gets let down gently, everybody's happy!
- Michael Harper: So, when you said you'd handled it, you sort of... didn't handle it.
- Roger Bailey: [In the living room, on the phone] Hi, Elke?
- Michael Harper: [In the kitchen, pretending to be Elke] Ja?
- Roger Bailey: It's me - Roger!
- Michael Harper: Ja?
- Roger Bailey: This... this is a very good connection! You sound like you're in the next room!
- Michael Harper: Ja!
- Roger Bailey: Ledsen att jag inte fick trafide. Skulle du vilja att jag kom og besogt a det Sverige?
- Michael Harper: [pause] Ja...
- Roger Bailey: She said yes! Bye, Elke! Oh - hej då!
- Janey Harper: What did you ask her?
- Roger Bailey: She knows!
- Susan Harper: Have you seen Ben?
- Alfie Butts: Well, I've been up since 3am and I haven't seen him.
- Susan Harper: Why were you up at 3am?
- Alfie Butts: Even though intellectually I know there are no animals to feed, my body refuses to believe it.
- Susan Harper: Ben, it's fairly obvious you're in the wardrobe! I'm going to count to three! When I reach three, I'm going to assume you're not in the wardrobe and therefore won't be in danger when I set fire to it!
- Susan Harper: How could you?
- Ben Harper: Susan, I swear to you, nothing happened! Nothing... happened. Nothing happened, did it?
- Margot: We didn't do anything! We just had too much to drink, that's all. Ben was nice enough to see me home, he sang two verses of I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt and then passed out!
- Margot: Susan, please! In all the time we knew each other, did I ever make a play for one of your boyfriends?
- Susan Harper: No... but I could trust them.
- Ben Harper: Well, maybe you should have married one of them, then!
- Margot: [Shoving Susan and Ben into her wardrobe] Please! I'm trying to save my marriage!
- Susan Harper: I'm not hiding with him!
- Ben Harper: I'm not hiding with you, either!
- Margot: Shut up!
- Ben Harper: Look, let's just calm down and think. I swear to you, I didn't do anything.
- Susan Harper: Prove it!
- Ben Harper: [Thinks] I drank champagne! I drank champagne! You know what happens to me when I drink champagne!
- Susan Harper: Oh, thank God! You really didn't sleep with her!
- Janey Harper: [On the phone] Hello? Sorry, what do you need?
- Roger Bailey: Elke's number! I'm in Sweden!
- Janey Harper: Sweden? What are you doing in Sweden?
- Roger Bailey: Well, I, I... I asked if I could come and visit and she said 'Ja!' Well, don't you remember? You were sitting right there!
- Janey Harper: [to Michael, looking furious] Nice going, Elke!