Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Alfie Butts : Move in with me!

  Gwyneth : What?

  Alfie Butts : I'm serious! Move in with me! I'm a valued member of this family now! They love me! Mr Harper?

  Ben Harper : Hmm?

  Alfie Butts : How would you feel about Gwyneth moving in?

  Ben Harper : Great! She can have your room! Nice knowing you, Alfie!

• Susan Harper : [On hearing Michael is seeing a therapist]  Maybe... maybe we should go and talk to this therapist.

  Ben Harper : Maybe not. Maybe I should sort out this problem with a little father-son chat.

  Susan Harper : Did it occur to you that your father-son chats may have put him there in the first place?

  Ben Harper : You spoil him!

  Susan Harper : You're hyper-critical!

  Ben Harper : You're overbearing!

  Susan Harper : You're emotionally constipated!

• Susan Harper : Ben, do you remember the time we used to ask about each other's days and actually care about the answer?

  Ben Harper : I say yes here, don't I?

  Susan Harper : I'm serious.

  Ben Harper : Yes, of course I remember. I remember coming home from work and no matter what sort of day I had, you'd spend ages asking me how it went and I'd... I'd do the same for you.

  Susan Harper : God, those conversations used to drag!

• Susan Harper : Ben, do you think we're becoming too safe as a couple? Too predictable?

  Ben Harper : Speak for yourself! I'm a lone wolf; a maverick; a wildcard! I don't play by society's rules, baby, because... You're making crumpets? Ooh!

• Susan Harper : Why can't you just admit it? We're both settling into a comfortable...

  Ben Harper : Don't! Don't say middle age!

  Susan Harper : Middle age? Since when do people live to 110?

• Susan Harper : Big night, Mikey?

  Michael Harper : Yeah. Going for a curry with the guys after my therapist appointment, so I'll probably see you tomorrow.

  Susan Harper : Your what?

  Michael Harper : My psychotherapist appointment.

  Susan Harper : You're seeing a therapist?

  Michael Harper : Dr Twelvetree. He's great. See you!

  Susan Harper : [pause]  Wow, I did not see that coming!

  Ben Harper : Yeah, Twelvetree's a weird name, isn't it?

• Ben Harper : Still thinking about Mikey, aren't you?

  Susan Harper : How can you tell?

  Ben Harper : Oh, I don't know. Just 28 years of marriage... and that book's upside down.

• Ben Harper : Look, I can help Mikey without sitting on a couch listening to some doctor droning on all day!

  Susan Harper : What did you so instead?

  Ben Harper : Sat on the sofa watching Quincy!

• Susan Harper : So, what do we do now?

  Ben Harper : I've got an idea. I've got an idea. Now come on... Let me think... I know! I know! We'll go and see the therapist!

  Susan Harper : Wow! Who'd have thought of that? Oh, wait - me, yesterday!

  Ben Harper : No, no, no! No, no! Wait, wait, wait! We go to see the therapist together!

  Susan Harper : Oh, wow! Who'd have thought of that? Oh, wait - me, yesterday!

• Susan Harper : Well, I'm not hanging around for two weeks to find out what's wrong with our son!

  Ben Harper : Why not?

  Susan Harper : You'd rather wait until he puts on a wedding dress and sets fire to the house?

  Ben Harper : OK. Good point.

  Susan Harper : We have to think of something, Ben!

  Ben Harper : Hide the wedding dress and buy a smoke alarm!

• Ben Harper : OK! Come on! Come on! You think of something and I'll go with your solution!

  Susan Harper : Fine! Get me a crow bar!

  Ben Harper : He's our son, Susan! I mean, hitting him over the head is a bit harsh!

  Susan Harper : I meant, we're going to break into the surgery tonight.

  Ben Harper : [Sarcastic]  Of course we are! Brilliant! Why don't we forget the crow bar and get some nitroglycerine? Or we could dig a tunnel from downstairs?

• Ben Harper : Oh, great! What are you going to do? Pole vault into the filing cabinet?

  Susan Harper : [Grabs coat rack to try and break into the cabinet]  Brute force is what's needed here!

  Ben Harper : Is that any good to you?

  Susan Harper : Be quiet! What?

  Ben Harper : Is this any good?

  Susan Harper : Oh, you'll never prise it open with that! It's way too small!

  Ben Harper : Susan, this is the key!

• Susan Harper : [Ben is about to open Michael's therapy file]  I don't think this is a very good idea.

  Ben Harper : It was *your* idea.

  Susan Harper : Think about it, Ben. The moment we open that file, we cross a line from which we can never return. Not only is it an invasion of privacy, it's a betrayal of trust.

  Ben Harper : I hear what you're saying. I hear what you're saying. And you're making absolute sense.

  Susan Harper : Thank you.

  Ben Harper : And you know when it would have made even more sense?

  Susan Harper : [Thinks]  Before we got stuck in here?

  Ben Harper : Bingo!

• Michael Harper : If you wanted to know why I was seeing a therapist, you only had to ask! Do you really want to know why I went? Well, I'll tell you. Sit!

  Ben Harper : Oh, God! He's going to tell us!

  Michael Harper : 'm taking... a class.

  Susan Harper : What?

  Ben Harper : Hmm?

  Michael Harper : Our psychology lecturer just thought it would be a good idea for us to see how patients get treated! Good night! Oh, and, er, stay out of my room!