- Susan Harper: Yes, Ben. I want to get a dog.
- Ben Harper: [Thinking Susan wanted more kids] Ah, hahahaha! Thank God for that.
- Susan Harper: You're OK with that?
- Ben Harper: Absolutely not!
- Susan Harper: Please, Ben. Let's get a dog.
- Ben Harper: Isn't this house crowded enough? It's like the hotel in "The Shining", except it's never vacant and I don't get to go crazy and kill the family.
- Ben Harper: Owning a pet takes responsibility. Remember what happened to the goldfish?
- Susan Harper: Yes, you killed it.
- Ben Harper: You told me to clean the tank.
- Susan Harper: You're supposed to take the fish out first. Goldie didn't stand a chance.
- Ben Harper: Goldie came out nice and clean, though.
- Susan Harper: It's been years since we had a dog. Remember how much you loved Muffin?
- Ben Harper: Muffin! I hated Muffin.
- Susan Harper: If you had fixed the fence like I'd asked you to, he wouldn't have run away.
- Ben Harper: He didn't run away, he escaped. He's probably sunning himself in a beach in Acapulco.
- Roger Bailey Jnr.: I, er, I heard about Amanda. Listen, Michael, I've had a relationship that didn't work, but things do get better eventually.
- Michael Harper: So I 'll get over it?
- Roger Bailey Jnr.: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. You'll never get over it. You just learn to live with the pain.
- Amanda: We're supposed to be studying.
- Michael Harper: The only thing I want to study is you.
- Alfie Butts: They'll do degrees on anything these days!
- Alfie Butts: [Holding a bag of dog food Susan bought] Mrs Harper, erm... I don't usually question your culinary prowess - saying that, it will give me a glossy coat and healthy teeth...
- Susan Harper: That's for the dog we're going to get.
- Alfie Butts: Does Mr Harper know about this?
- Susan Harper: He will - eventually.
- Alfie Butts: But Mr Harper can't stand dogs. How will you break it to him?
- Susan Harper: Slowly, I suppose. I'll just gain his trust, feed him, tickle his tummy...
- Alfie Butts: Oh, you mean the dog?
- Susan Harper: No, I meant Ben.
- Susan Harper: Ben, I'm going to let you into a little secret. A secret that has kept our marriage alive all these years. When I ask your opinion about something, 99% of the time the decision has already been made.
- Ben Harper: What?
- Susan Harper: Every paint colour I've asked you about, every movie we've been to, every new car - pre-determined.
- Ben Harper: No, no, no! I picked the Volvo!
- Susan Harper: You wanted a Fiat, I said Volvo.
- Ben Harper: [pause] Bloody hell, it's true!
- Susan Harper: It's easier that way.
- Ben Harper: So, I get no choice?
- Susan Harper: Yes! Your choice is to get a dog!
- Alfie Butts: [to Michael] Why so glum, chum?
- Janey Harper: Oh, Amanda just gave him the chop. Maybe not forever.
- Alfie Butts: I'm sorry. I know what it feels like to have your heart broken. Did I tell you about Claire? She was a pig.
- Janey Harper: Alfie, that's a horrible thing to say about a girl!
- Alfie Butts: No, she was a real pig. But the story still applies. Anyway, Claire was my favourite. Every time I returned from school, there was Claire waiting for me at the front gate - until one day, she wasn't there. I really had to thrust that ham sandwich down!
- Ben Harper: Why don't you just get another dog?
- Susan Harper: I don't want another dog.
- Ben Harper: We could teach Alfie to fetch!
- Susan Harper: Who is she to judge me? Calling me an unfit mother! How dare she!
- Ben Harper: Mother?
- Susan Harper: What?
- Ben Harper: Mother! You said 'unfit mother'!
- Susan Harper: I meant... I meant 'owner'.
- Ben Harper: Hahahaha! I see! This is what it's all about, is it? Look, just because you're unfit to own a dog, doesn't mean you're unfit to be a mother.
- Susan Harper: That's weird. It sounded like a compliment, but actually it wasn't.
- Ben Harper: No, it was. It was a compliment. You are a wonderful mother. A wonderful mother. And I don't mind admitting it, but our kids aren't half bad.
- Susan Harper: True. The bad half is all your fault.
- Ben Harper: Look, I think you may have gotten the wrong impression about Susan.
- Mrs Philbin: I think she is prickly, manipulative and unstable.
- Ben Harper: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Yep, yep. I'll give you those. Yep.
- Ben Harper: Susan is a stable, sane and responsible woman, and her only crime is that she loves too much. And isn't that the point - finding these dogs a loving home?
- Mrs Philbin: Well, you see, dogs don't just need love. They need discipline.
- Ben Harper: Oh, I can assure you, she's a real ball-breaker!
- Ben Harper: What the hell are you doing in there?
- Susan Harper: [after locking herself in a dog kennel] Protesting the injustices and degradations that are occurring in this dog prison!
- Mrs Philbin: Mrs Harper, these kennels are for animals!
- Susan Harper: They're not fit for animals! They're cold, depressing, horribly decorated! I'm surprised the dogs haven't rioted!
- Ben Harper: Susan, you do not have to do this!
- Susan Harper: I do! I owe it to our dog that could have been! And I've informed the media of my protest!
- Ben Harper: Susan, I have just told Mrs Philbin that you are a sane, stable and responsible woman, and she said she would let you have the dog!
- Susan Harper: [pause] Really?
- Mrs Philbin: No!