Anyone for Pennis? (1995 TV Movie)

Paul Kaye: Dennis Pennis

Quotes 

• Dennis Pennis : [to Naomi Campbell]  Can you confirm or deny reports that you said something mildly interesting in an interview once?

• Dennis Pennis : Could I have a couple of questions with you?

  Michael Heseltine : [carries on walking]  I doubt it.

  Dennis Pennis : Well, I just want to ask you...

  Michael Heseltine : I know you want to ask me, but you're not going to.

  Dennis Pennis : Do you find it ironic, the amount of Tory MPs having amount having affairs? You're getting more women into labour than Tony Blair could ever dream possible.

  [Heseltine ignores him and gets into a Jaguar] 

  Dennis Pennis : Is it also not true that the only harmony in the party is what you spray on your hair every morning?

• Dennis Pennis : I have to tell you, Hugh, I must be honest with you, I find your acting a little bit woody. A little bit woody.

  Hugh Grant : [nodding]  Woody, right, yes.

  Dennis Pennis : When you made your appearance in the film Sirens, I thought someone threw a chair into the room.

  Hugh Grant : Uh-huh.

  Dennis Pennis : How do you get yourself psyched up, I mean, do you go into the forest and sort of stare at a few trees?

  Hugh Grant : [laughing]  Oh, you can f...

  [bleep] 

  Hugh Grant : off!

  [he leaves Dennis to go to another part of the room] 

• Dennis Pennis : Are you aware of a program called Trumpton?

  Donald Trump : No, I'm not.

  Dennis Pennis : Because you got more dough than Windy Miller.

  Donald Trump : Well, that's very nice.

  Dennis Pennis : [as Trump walks away]  Did your ex-wife ever go to the laundrette? Or is it just her husband that she takes to the cleaners, man?

• Dennis Pennis : Do you watch pornography?

  Desmond Lynam : Given half the chance, I'd give it a go. What have you got in mind for me?

  Dennis Pennis : Well, I watched a film the other night and I was watching this orgy sequence and there were things going in and out and oral and just so much in... How do they do that?

  Desmond Lynam : Well, you would know, having watched the film, wouldn't you?

  Dennis Pennis : Yeah, but it was the complexity, the angles, the shooting, I mean, it was craftsmanship.

  Desmond Lynam : Ah. What, in every way?

  Dennis Pennis : Perhaps you could maybe deal with that on your program.

  Desmond Lynam : We'll have to do an item on it, obviously, clearly, yeah. Though as we go out at 8 o'clock, we might not get it all in. For want of a better expression!

• Dennis Pennis : My job is really quite simple. I am a social astronomer. But I don't use a telescope, oh no, these are my lenses.

  [points to his glasses] 

  Dennis Pennis : And when I see a star I don't just look at it, I move in, and piss it off.

• Dennis Pennis : I understand you have nine toilets. Is that right, you have nine toilets?

  Michael Winner : I have nine toilets, but I didn't bring any of them with me.

  Dennis Pennis : So you obviously make a lot more crap than people give you credit for.

  Michael Winner : No question of it.

• Dennis Pennis : If heavy smoker Mariella Frostrup was a dog, she'd definetely be a Husky, because not only has she got the voice for it, they also come in packs of 20.

• Dennis Pennis : [to Ian Botham]  After a heavy night of curry abuse, can you still get the runs?

• Dennis Pennis : Have you ever farted in a wicket-keeper's face?

  Ian Botham : Not that I can remember. You'd better ask the wicket-keeper.

• Dennis Pennis : [to then-Home Secretary Michael Howard]  You're a great believer in making young offenders do more time, I just wondered if perhaps any other herbal remedies, perhaps...

  [Howard doesn't answer him and walks on. Dennis follows him with his microphone] 

  Dennis Pennis : Perhaps basil or parsley?

  [Howard gets into a Jaguar] 

  Dennis Pennis : And also, if we reintroduce capital punishment in this country, will that just affect London? What do think? And finally, the government recently withdrew the party whips, is that a good deterrent because...

  [the Jaguar drives off, Dennis turns to the camera] 

  Dennis Pennis : ...they've all got spare ones at home, anyway.

• Dennis Pennis : Why did the model stare at the orange juice?

  Helena Christensen : I don't understand what you're saying. I'm a model, I'm stupid.

  Dennis Pennis : Why was she staring at the orange juice?

  Helena Christensen : Because we like C vitamins?

  Dennis Pennis : No. Because it said "concentrate" on the carton. See ya!

  Helena Christensen : [confused]  Concentrate on the... what?

  Dennis Pennis : Carton!

  Helena Christensen : I didn't get it, but I guess I wasn't supposed to.

  Dennis Pennis : You certainly weren't!

• Dennis Pennis : Hi, Keith. Hi.

  Keith Allen : Oh, f...

  [bleep] 

  Keith Allen : off!

  Dennis Pennis : You've got the same scriptwriter as Hugh Grant!

  Keith Allen : F...

  [bleep] 

  Keith Allen : right off!

• Dennis Pennis : You're not in LA now, but you spend a lot of time in LA.

  Elizabeth Hurley : I have, yeah, I've just spent 5 weeks there.

  Dennis Pennis : I always think of LA as sort of muesli, you know what I mean? Take away the nuts and the fruit and it's all flakes.

• [at a book signing for one of Edwina Currie's novels] 

  Dennis Pennis : Will you sign a book for me?

  Edwina Currie : Of course I will.

  Dennis Pennis : Thank you. Here we go.

  Edwina Currie : [notices that the book Dennis has handed her is Ian Botham's autobiography]  That's somebody else's book, no, no, no. He can go sign his own.

  Dennis Pennis : [as Currie holds up the book with Ian Botham's face on the cover next to her face]  You look a lot prettier in real life, you know that?

  Edwina Currie : And I'll tell you what, the sex in my book's a hell of a lot better than it is in his.

• Dennis Pennis : I just wanted to know, as a legal man, do you worry you ever might, sort of, lose your appeal?

  Clive Anderson : [laughs]  You writing your own script or you get them off mugs or something?

• Dennis Pennis : Do you not think that it's inappropriate, the fact that you're named after a tobacco? For your campaign against smoking? I mean, you've got blonde hair - Golden Virginia.

  Virginia Bottomley : [laughs]  Well, I don't think it's fair to take this out on my parents. It's my surname that causes me more grief than my Christian name.

  Dennis Pennis : What's funny about "Bottomley"?

  Virginia Bottomley : Oh, I don't know, somehow children at school always seemed to laugh at it. I can't imagine why.

  Dennis Pennis : Kids are strange.

  Virginia Bottomley : Kids are strange but so long as kids don't smoke, I shan't worry too much.

• Dennis Pennis : I'm very concerned at the moment because last night I had unprotected sex with a ghost and I'm worried I might have caused a phantom pregnancy.

  Dr. Ruth : [thick German accent]  You know what, ask me a better question!

  Dennis Pennis : Is sex hereditary?

  Dr. Ruth : You'd better go back there and ask me a better question!

  Dennis Pennis : I'm going to ask you a better question now. Do you think having sex, is it hereditary?

  Dr. Ruth : I need a better question.

  Dennis Pennis : Because if your parents didn't have it, the chances are you're not going to have it either. It's true, no? And finally, when my father told me about the birds and the bees, he told me it so well, now the only thing that turns me on is, sort of, blue tits covered in honey. Did he do wrong?

  Dr. Ruth : Can I get a better question?

• Dennis Pennis : [to Madonna]  You've had most of your anatomy photographed, I wonder if you've thought about maybe bringing out a book and letting us see a few internal organs?

• Dennis Pennis : Michael Howard of course was a very close friend of ex-Prime Minister Thatcher, or PMT for short. It's the first time that millions of men have suffered from PMT during her incredibly lengthy period. Uh, in power. She just didn't seem to know when to throw the towel in, did she? And make way for new blood. I've always found her quite attractive myself, especially in those summer dresses, you know. Boy, I'd like to cleave down her peerage, man.