- [first lines]
- [Lurch moans as a set of model trains are about to crash into each other at a crossroads]
- Wednesday Addams: Prepare yourself, Pugsley!
- Pugsley Addams: It's time to kick in the turbos! Oh yeah! Do it!
- Wednesday Addams: And now for the coup de grace, Pugsley!
- [Wednesday, Pugsley and Thing pull out plungers]
- Gomez Addams: Stop! What are you two doing?
- Wednesday Addams: We're sorry, Father. We didn't think you'd mind.
- Gomez Addams: Mind? Of course I mind!
- [takes a doll's pram, puts a cute teddy bear in it, and puts the pram on the crossroads...]
- Gomez Addams: Ah, yes...!
- Pugsley Addams: Yeah!
- Gomez Addams: [grabbing a plunger] Let her rip, my lovely little atrocity!
- Wednesday Addams: Oui, mon papa!
- [big explosion]
- Pugsley Addams: Ah, gotcha!
- Gomez Addams: Now That"s the way to enjoy a wreck!
- Morticia Addams: [gasps] Uncle Fester, what's that on your head?
- Uncle Fester: Oh, I was just standing under the powerline waving up at the vultures!
- Morticia Addams: No, it looks like hair!
- Uncle Fester: Hair? Ohoh! You're kidding me, Morticia! I don't have any... any...
- [looks in a mirror and gasps]
- Uncle Fester: Hey! Hair? Ew! Get it off! Get if off!
- [slaps his head]
- Uncle Fester: Hey, Norm! This plunger isn't working. Can I borrow your weed- whacker?
- Mr. Normanmeyer: How'd you get in here?
- Uncle Fester: Oh, I came up through the pipes in the bathroom,
- Mrs. Normanmeyer: Ew!
- Uncle Fester: I know. It's this hideous hair. Hm. the only things you're used to seeing on my head are insects!
- N.J. Normanmeyer: And I bet he wants your help, Dad!
- Uncle Fester: That's right! My favorite roofing companion, you're always there when I need you, like when I was depressed and you went out of your way to push me off that cliff...
- [Normanmeyer kicks Fester out of his house]
- Uncle Fester: Nice try, Norm, but it's still here!
- Uncle Fester: Oh, Cousin Itt, I know I've troubled you many times for the honour of gnawing the birds out of your coiffe...
- Gomez Addams: [excited] Fester! That's French!
- Uncle Fester: Get away from me! Go talk to your wife!
- Gomez Addams: Oh... oh, yeah, right...
- Uncle Fester: [having retreated into his coat] Oh, Lurch, what am I gonna do? I miss Cousin Itt already.
- [sniffs]
- Uncle Fester: And I his dandruff came in so handy for those skiing jaunts down in the basement...
- Gomez Addams: Cara mia, I just realized Fester's about to become a convicted felon! Do you know what that means?
- Morticia Addams: A proud Addams tradition lives on!
- Pugsley Addams: [in a bakery] Oh, boy! Donuts!
- [takes a bite out of one and gags]
- Wednesday Addams: What's wrong?
- Pugsley Addams: These donuts are fresh!
- Wednesday Addams: [shudders] Ewww! 'Tis a mixed up world we live in!
- Uncle Fester: [in prison] It's a real hoot in here!
- [chuckles]
- Mr. Normanmeyer: What? You mean... you... you like it?
- Uncle Fester: I love it! I made these great new friends. And they even let me flatten my hair in the license plate machine, too!
- Gomez Addams: Aha! A childhood dream come true!
- Uncle Fester: That's right! And I owe it all to my pal, Norm!
- [hugs Normanmeyer through the bar, who starts banging the bars in frustration and despair]
- Mr. Normanmeyer: No! No! No!
- Uncle Fester: [Fester us freed from jail] Oh, Cousin Itt, even though it means I have to leave this Shangri-La, I'm a smiling fool just because you're back!
- [Itt jabbers]
- Uncle Fester: What? You can have me thrown in jail any time I want and I don't even have to commit a crime?
- Morticia Addams: [off screen] Oh, Gomez.
- Uncle Fester: [kisses Itt] Gee, thanks!
- Gomez Addams: Just one of the benefits of having a government man in the family!
- Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, there's something so romantic about a train ride.
- Gomez Addams: The wind in your hair, the clickety-clack of the tracks... and being robbed and kidnapped by a bunch of cutthroats!
- Grandmama Addams: [peering into her crystal ball] I see hair! Lots and lots of hair!
- [Fester screams]
- Grandmama Addams: Not you, Fester! Cousin Itt just came in!
- Uncle Fester: [emerges from water with a train on his head] Am I too late to obliterate mine?
- Wednesday Addams: Of course not, Uncle Fester.
- [Fester blows up the train and laughs]
- Uncle Fester: Cool!
- Uncle Fester: [hanging from the ceiling] Oh, boy... do I know how to blow up a train or what?
- Morticia Addams: I hope you're successful, Uncle Fester.
- Uncle Fester: [tying his hair to the car] Don't worry, Morticia. Remember how well it worked when I grew that blue arm?
- Gomez Addams: Besides, just think how much fun Lurch will have dragging Fester around the neighborhood, the lucky dog!
- Uncle Fester: I tried Velcro, fish scales, and hiring that longshoreman with the peg leg, but nothing works!
- Gomez Addams: We haven't had a family tragedy like this since Uncle Goner caught the plague!
- Morticia Addams: What was tragic about that, dear?
- Gomez Addams: I didn't catch it!
- Morticia Addams: Dear, the police are here to see Uncle Fester...
- Gomez Addams: They probably want to use him as a crash-test dummy again! That ought to cheer him up!
- Wednesday Addams: Uncle Fester, your hair...!
- Uncle Fester: Oh, no! Is it back?
- Morticia Addams: No, dear, it's all gone!
- Uncle Fester: Well... I guess I was so worried about Cousin Itt that my hair fell out!
- Gomez Addams: That must be a load off your mind.
- Uncle Fester: Yeah, and we can deep-fry it at the next family picnic!
- Grandmama Addams: [peering into her crystal ball] I see baldness!
- Morticia Addams: Uncle Fester?
- Grandmama Addams: No, Pugsley!
- Grandmama Addams: [peering into her crystal ball] Ah! I see more baldness!
- Uncle Fester: Mine?
- Grandmama Addams: No, Lurch!
- [Lurch moans]
- Uncle Fester: Cousin Itt, I throw myself upon the mercy of your split ends! Tell me how to get rid of this hair.
- [Itt jabbers]
- Morticia Addams: Oh, dear, it's classified government information.
- Gomez Addams: Cara mia! Another bureaucratic cover-up!
- Uncle Fester: You government agents are all alike: three-foot tall balls of unfeeling fur! And after all those times I licked your driveway clean!
- Uncle Fester: Go away, Cousin Itt! I'm not speaking to you, and neither is Thing - well, even if he had a mouth he wouldn't speak to you!
- [Itt jabbers]
- Uncle Fester: What? You'll tell me the hair-removing formula even though it's classified? Thanks, Cuz!
- [hugs Itt]
- Uncle Fester: Oooh.
- [Itt jabbers a bit]
- Uncle Fester: Wait a minute... you could lose your man government perks and privileges, including that 10% discount at the lumberyard!
- [sniffels]
- Uncle Fester: You-you'd do that, for me?
- Mr. Normanmeyer: That's him, officer, he did it, he killed Cousin Hairball, arrest him.
- Uncle Fester: Ditto, Norm.
- [sniffs]
- Uncle Fester: Lock me up and throw away the key, I deserve to rot in jail.
- Morticia Addams: Fester wants to rot in jail. Oh, Gomez, he must be starting to feel better already.
- Gomez Addams: He's got that old Addams verve back!