The Angry Video Game Nerd (TV Series)

Plumbers Don't Wear Ties! (2009)

James Rolfe: The Angry Video Game Nerd

Quotes 

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Why are we watching still images of racecars? Why all the wacky filters? Why does it keep showing a naked guy lying in bed? Why is there a panda in a car on the bed? Why did they leave off so much extra space when they cut the panda from the background it originally belonged to? Why is the perspective butchered so badly? It doesn't even look like it's really there! But then, why would it be there anyway? Now, why is it just a head of a panda? Why would there ever be a floating head of a panda next to someone's bed? We haven't even gotten through the credits yet, and this game is already a pile of monkey fuck.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : [random filters appear over still images of him, just like in the game]  It's like some kind of experimental art project. If I made a bunch of shit and just put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck. It would also be the same to go take a shit on a piece of toast on top of a roof while wearing a fish mask singing "I'm Too Sexy".

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Well, the game is called "Plumbers Don't Wear Ties", so you could assume that he's a plumber, and I don't see him wearing a tie.

  [John is shown wearing a tie] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : What the fuck? You can't even trust the damn title!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Judging by the box, I don't know what to think of it. An interactive romantic comedy. A plumber, Daddy's girl, chickens, crazed yuppies, evil bosses, shower scenes, race cars, pandas, a nun? What kind of game is this? What's this?

  [turns box over] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Get it? No! I don't get it!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : This is not a game. It's more like a movie. Or, no! It isn't a movie! A movie is something that moves! This doesn't move! It's just a bunch of still images. If the beginning was in motion, why couldn't the rest be?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : There's a code to remove the censor bars, or... censor face with a nose, but that's only if you want to see John's hairy ass that much.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Damn! She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs?

  [imitating Thresher] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : "Wow, I had no idea she'd actually do it!"

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : If this qualifies as a game, then it is the worst game that I have ever seen in my life, and that's one hell of an accomplishment!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Are there dogs applauding? I'm not imagining that, am I? There's dogs clapping! I didn't even know dogs were fucking watching!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : They left in an outtake? Is this a joke? Then it's not even an outtake! It's an intake of an outtake! What the fuck? Why did they do this?

• Jane : Put your big muscular arm around me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear, and I promise to do whatever your little heart desires.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : [dumbfounded]  Wow.

• Mark Thresher : You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. Take your clothes off, Jane.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Oh shit.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, saying that "those are just baby toys". Well, everybody I knew had those baby toys, and nobody, I repeat, nobody I have ever met owned a 3DO, probably because its price in the US was $700. I mean, fuck. But you'd better buy it because this is the *real* gaming console! That was its slogan: "REAL", because it was a real piece of shit!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : This was before the rating system, but what kind of fucked up rating is this? The box says 17, but for this one part, you gotta be 18!

• Narrator : Well, sport, do you think you can make the right move without getting the lowest score in the history of this game?

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : What, did somebody else play this shit?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : I wonder how this would have played out if it was actually moving.

• Mark Thresher : Take your damn clothes off!

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : What a pervert.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Then you get the last choice: I want the Hollywood ending, or give me something different. Yeah, you know what? Give me something different! Give me a different fucking game!