- Stewart Gimbley: I went to the cops, and told them to put me in a cell, and the detective said jail is for criminals, not for delusional wackadoos.
- Shawn Spencer: He said "wackadoos"?
- Stewart Gimbley: Uh huh. And then he pinched himself, and told me to go see you guys.
- Burton Guster: What did this detective look like?
- Stewart Gimbley: Imagine Robert Goulet dressed liked Mr. Bean playing the Scarecrow in a Summer Stock production of the Wizard of Oz dedicated to Tony Randall.
- Shawn Spencer: Jules!
- Juliet O'Hara: Sorry Shawn, no time for your tomfoolery and silliness.
- Shawn Spencer: Actually we...
- Juliet O'Hara: That also goes for your nonsense malarkeys and shenanigans
- Stewart Gimbley: She was once married to this guy who couldn't grow hair. What's that called?
- Shawn Spencer: Bald.
- Burton Guster: Alopecia.
- Shawn Spencer: That's the fear of beans.
- Carlton Lassiter: [Lassie, speaking impatiently into his cell phone with Shawn on the other end] "Of course I have the right address! It's the one you DIVINED!"
- Shawn Spencer: Well, well!
- Carlton Lassiter: All right, fine! I deserve this one. Let's hear it!
- Shawn Spencer: For who? The boy? That's on Gus' iPod. It's back at the office.
- Carlton Lassiter: Wha-?
- Burton Guster: Don't say a word about Deniece Williams!
- Carlton Lassiter: Who?
- Carlton Lassiter: Dammit, Spencer, I told you to stop doing that! It's like watching someone while they sleep!
- Shawn Spencer: Why were you reading that file like Mr. Peanut?
- Carlton Lassiter: I was curious. Several military strategists throughout history... But you know what? I don't need to explain myself to the likes of you!
- Stewart Gimbley: Who am I supposed to be?
- Burton Guster: Are you kidding? You didn't watch television as a kid?
- Stewart Gimbley: Not after Poltergeist!
- Burton Guster: You are none other than Dwayne Cleophus Wayne, of A Different World. A ladies' man with a plan. What?
- Shawn Spencer: Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they're seeing?
- Burton Guster: That's me and Ruiz the Koala. I make a yearly donation to the "Bear With Me" Foundation to help protect the lives of these precious and unique creatures.
- Shawn Spencer: So you're cuddling the animal?
- Burton Guster: We're nuzzling! And Ruiz made the first move, Shawn!