The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien (TV Series)

Shaquille O'Neal/Demetri Martin/Jack Ingram (2009)

Robert Smigel: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Quotes 

• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Here at the "D Pet Hotel", where the "d", of course, stands for "dog-owning douchebags", lavishing their tiny-brained companions with exquisite memories to be cherished for 30 to 45 seconds, according to most experts. Not since the bank bailout has money been more wisely spent, proving that the "idle rich" are not idle at all. They are busy, 24-7, looking for new ways to piss away their money.

• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [touring the rooms for the dogs at the hotel]  It's kind of spooky in here, you know what I mean? Kind of a spooky quiet. Is it true the Taco Bell Chihuahua died here? Yeah, I heard that he liked to come here, pop amyl nitrate and have a St. Bernard choke him. By the way, do you still provide that service?

  Female Employee : [laughing]  No.

  Male Employee : Not anymore.

• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : This is a new customer?

  Customer : [with French accent]  Hello doggy, how are you?

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Oh, you've got a new dog here, yes?

  Customer : Yes. It's really important.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [in mock French accent]  Is it "impor-tahnt"? Why is it "impor-tahnt"?

  Customer : I want my doggy to have a good time. My husband's working, uh...

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Is your husband doing well for money? Everything okay?

  Customer : Yeah. Lots.

  [chuckles] 

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Oui. Ho ho, oui. Okay. Just want the audience to get a good look at you so they can hate you.