Photos
Quotes
-
Will Schuester : [defending Puck and Finn] It's a harmless prank.
Sue Sylvester : That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on a dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and the city burned, William. That young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
-
Will Schuester : [singing "Tell Me Something Good" to Sue] So... you feel anything there?
Sue Sylvester : No.
Will Schuester : Was I... too dirty?
Sue Sylvester : I didn't notice. I was bored.
-
Will Schuester : If we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at regionals, none of us are gonna regret it. We will have given it our best shot and we won't look back. But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition, which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us.
Quinn Fabray : So you want us to T.P their choir room?
Will Schuester : Whatever the better, cooler version of that is, like, uh- maybe-maybe we should steal their school statue.
Kurt Hummel : Their school statue is a giant, bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup. It weighs three tons.
-
Sue Sylvester : Let me break it down for you, William. You're standing at a crossroads. You have two choices. Number one: this trophy will be installed in the choir room in a custom-built bulletproof case as a daily reminder of your failure as a man and an educator.
Will Schuester : And what's choice number two?
Sue Sylvester : You can kiss me, right here on the lips, with tongue.
Will Schuester : This is payback, isn't it?
[she smirks]
Will Schuester : No one will know? Fine.
[they lean in to kiss, when she suddenly stops]
Sue Sylvester : You know what? I'm not gonna do this. Even your breath stinks of mediocrity. It's making me sick.
-
Rachel Berry : [after getting egged by Vocal Adrenaline] And now I just keep having nightmares of all of the mothers of the little baby chicks coming after me for revenge.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Oh, this is bull! Finn, Mike, Matt, come with me.
Finn Hudson : Right on. It's time for less talking and more punching.
Will Schuester : [entering as they leave] Hey, what's going on?
Finn Hudson : We're on our way to go all "Braveheart" on Vocal Adrenaline.
Will Schuester : No, guys, violence is never the answer.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : Oh, it is when the question is "What's the best way to mess up that Jesse kid's face?".
Kurt Hummel : Mr. Schue, Rachel's one of us. We're the only ones who get to humiliate her.
-
Sue Sylvester : So, have you come to gloat?
Will Schuester : I, uh... I hear you're pulling out of Nationals, Sue. You know, for some of your girls, that's going to have some really big consequences.
Sue Sylvester : I'm tired of those kids. I devoted my life to them. And what have I got to show for it?
Will Schuester : Five consecutive national championships.
Will Schuester : Oh, big deal. I'm alone, William. I don't even like you and I was willing to jump at the chance to be with you. And, you know, for a second, I saw a flash of something. I pictured myself living a normal life. Having someone to come home to every night. And though I completely loathe you, you'd make a great trophy husband. And as you can see by my décor, I love me some trophies.
Will Schuester : Sue, I did what I did to you out of anger. I thought destroying you would pull me out of my funk. But... just made things worse.
Sue Sylvester : So is that an apology?
Will Schuester : Yes, it is. And you're not alone, Sue. Your kids need you, so you do have love in your life.
Sue Sylvester : My kids don't love me. They fear me.
Will Schuester : But you love them, Sue.
-
Will Schuester : [Puck, Finn, and Mercedes finish "Good Vibrations"] Great job, guys, but that's not funk. I mean, the group is called Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, but that is a rap song.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : A kick-butt old school rap song.
Artie Abrams : Does it really matter, Mr. Schue? I mean, we're so clinically depressed, we're doing the wrong songs. We're in a deeper funk than ever.
-
Will Schuester : Kurt, what is going on around here?
Kurt Hummel : Coach Sylvester won't get out of bed. We haven't had practice in days. I'm fine because I have Glee, but these girls have sort of lost it. No Nationals means that four of the girls will lose their college scholarships. And the rest are just depressed and confused.
Brittany S. Pierce : [passing by clinging to Jacob Ben Israel, who is desperately trying to get away] Please, please love me, please.
Kurt Hummel : It's really hard to feel bad for Sue Sylvester; she doesn't need another trophy. But some of these girls, they really do.
-
Sue Sylvester : How dare you! You led me on. You told me you had feelings for me, then you ask me out, you don't show up, humiliating me. In public.
Will Schuester : Gosh, Sue, I wonder where I learned how to do all that. You meddled around in my marriage, you terrorize the glee club, you continue to sabotage my relationship with Emma. I tried playing nice, but nothing seems to work with you. Cruelty was the only way to get your attention. I have no interest in dating you, Sue. You're a bully and you're mean to kids.
Sue Sylvester : I'm mean to everyone!
Will Schuester : Yeah, well, fine. Consider this a little taste of what you love dishing out. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Sue Sylvester : [he shows her the door] This is uncalled for, William.
Will Schuester : Good night, Sue.
-
Will Schuester : Okay, Quinn, it's your day to show us your funky side. So, take it away.
Quinn Fabray : For some of us... just simply getting to class takes a little bit longer. When you're pregnant, you're responsible for two lives. And you're walking down the hallway oppressed by the Man.
Mercedes Jones : [to herself] Oh, my goodness, she is not about to go there.
-
Will Schuester : You seem to be taking this Jesse thing pretty hard.
Rachel Berry : I want him to be eaten by a lion.
-
Will Schuester : Jesse cared about you.
Rachel Berry : No, he didn't. Our entire relationship was just some diabolical plan. They knew if they broke my heart close enough to the competition, that I'd lose my will to live, and then New Directions would have no chance at winning Regionals. It's textbook; you destroy the heart of the team's heart and you destroy the team.
Will Schuester : [voiceover as Rachel continues, under] Sandy told me how to beat Vocal Adrenaline, and now Rachel was inadvertently telling me how to beat my other nemesis. Suddenly, I wasn't feeling nearly as depressed.
[cut to him working in the choir room]
Sue Sylvester : [entering] William, I'm gonna have to ask you to clear out. I received an anonymous tip from someone who wants to meet me here to discuss an illegal Hot Cheetos ring. Hot Cheetos have been proven to raise endorphins, which makes for happy kids, and I can't have that.
-
Sandy Ryerson : [offering Will marijuana] Are you sure you want to take a trip down that rabbit hole, William?
Will Schuester : I'm willing to try anything, Sandy. I'm just really depressed.
Sandy Ryerson : I don't sell to the clinically depressed. You'll throw yourself off a parking garage and I can't have that on my conscience. I used to coach that glee club. I know what you're up against. You think Carmel High didn't put the fear of God in me?
Will Schuester : I don't know how we can possibly beat them. Glee is hanging by a thread.
Sandy Ryerson : William, the answer is right in front of your face, but you can't see it because you're in too big of a funk. Vocal Adrenaline has a weakness.
-
Will Schuester : [writing "funk" on the whiteboard] Funk. Use it in a sentence.
[everyone stays silent]
Will Schuester : Come on. Rachel.
Rachel Berry : This cheese smells funky.
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman : That's 'cause it's "from-unda" cheese.
Rachel Berry : Shut it, Puckerman!
Will Schuester : Okay, okay. I was thinking more along the lines of... Vocal Adrenaline has sure put us all in a funk.
Kurt Hummel : I'm so depressed, I've worn the same outfit twice this week.
Will Schuester : What if I told you I knew how we could shove it right back down their throats? New Directions is about to make their funk the P-funk. We are going to get funked up. The only way to do that is to beat them at Regionals. Vocal Adrenaline has never once done a funk number. They're a machine; a collective, synthesized, soulless beat. Funk is soul meets anger. Its passion is in its emotion. And Vocal Adrenaline doesn't perform with any. So you have your assignment. I want you guys to turn McKinley High into...
[singing]
Will Schuester : Funky town.
-
Principal Figgins : These students have committed a felony. They are hereby expelled.
Shelby Corcoran : Look, I don't want anyone to get expelled. I'm not going to press charges as long as you pay for the damage. You can take it out of the glee club budget.
Will Schuester : That'll bankrupt the glee club. We don't have that kind of money.
Finn Hudson : We'll get jobs. Give us a month. We'll... we'll pay you back, Ms. Corcoran, I promise.
Shelby Corcoran : Fine.
Principal Figgins : Ms. Corcoran, you are as wise and maganimous as you are beautiful.
Will Schuester : [Shelby leaves] Thank you.
Sue Sylvester : Well, you just can't win, can you, William? You never have, and you never will.
-
Will Schuester : All right, guys, today I want to talk to you about regrets. Who has some?
Rachel Berry : Giving my heart to Jesse just to have it crushed like the stage floor at a performance of Stomp.
-
Tina Cohen-Chang : I feel so violated. It's like someone broke into our home.
Will Schuester : Look, it was jut a lame little prank. And the fact that they're trying to get to us means maybe we got them spooked.
Mercedes Jones : Uh-uh, Mr. Schue. They aren't afraid of anything. That number they did was fantastic. You know, which doesn't make any sense. They had all that equipment. How did they even get in?
Sue Sylvester : [entering] I gave 'em all keys. Helped them do a sound check over the weekend.
-
Shelby Corcoran : Okay, a few of my kids may have toilet papered your choir room, but these two slashed the tires on all 26 of my students' Range Rovers. Those were gifts!
Will Schuester : Look, Puck and Finn made a mistake and - wait, you *gave* each one of your kids Range Rovers?
Shelby Corcoran : They were presents for making it to Nationals last year. We have a very generous booster club.
-
Will Schuester : Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away. You're all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does. We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that.
Finn Hudson : Well, we can't just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelet.
Will Schuester : We're not. Rachel, dial Jesse's number on your phone.
[she does so and hands the phone to him]
Santana Lopez : You haven't deleted his number yet?
Will Schuester : Jesse St. James? Will Schuester here. You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3:00 sharp.
-
Sue Sylvester : Hey, this way, fellas. Let's punch out this wall here. That'll open up the space a little bit.
Will Schuester : Sue, what are you doing?
Sue Sylvester : I can't talk to you now, William. Drafting class is helping me redecorate around here. You see, I have Nationals over the weekend, and I expect to return with a comically large first place trophy for which I have absolutely no room in my trophy case. As soon as you hurry up and lose at regionals, this choir room will become my official trophy annex.
[to the Drafting students]
Sue Sylvester : You know what it has to look like? Elvis' gold record room at Graceland. Except I'll be wanting far fewer morbidly obese white women waddling around and crying.
Will Schuester : Sue, get out of my room.
Sue Sylvester : Glee Clubbers, for those of you whose hearing has not been damaged by massive doses of Acutane, listen up. In a few weeks, Glee Club will be finished. Now, how do I know that? Well, I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie, who told me that you're 40-1 underdogs at regionals. You are going to lose, and your dreams will be crushed.
Will Schuester : Sue, can I see your trophy?
Sue Sylvester : Sure, Will. Hope and dream.
[taking the trophy, he hurls it against the wall]
Will Schuester : You dropped your trophy, Sue.
