- Bart Simpson: Dad loves Ultimate Punching more than I do. Tell her, dad.
- Homer Simpson: [Flatly] Ultimate Punching is immoral and dangerous. Many studies confirm what your mom just said.
- Bart Simpson: Wait a minute.
- [Sniffs Homer's breath]
- Bart Simpson: Chocolate, frosting, cherry... She got to you! With a piece of Bavarian chocolate cake!
- Homer Simpson: [Crying] It wasn't just a piece, it was the whole cake! Frosting like snow, on the eaves of a Bavarian castle!
- Bart Simpson: At least you didn't come cheap.
- Homer Simpson: I couldn't help it! She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!
- Marge Simpson: Ultimate punching? Ultimate makes everything worse!
- Otto Mann: Not frisbee.
- Marge Simpson: Otto, don't you have a sack to hackey?
- Otto Mann: Indeed I do! One... Aw, I messed up. One... Aw, I messed up. One... Aw, I messed up.
- Lisa Simpson: This goes against every feminist bone in my body, but dad, can't you control your woman?
- Homer Simpson: How could I? I have nothing to withhold.
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, there has to be another way.
- Homer Simpson: [Dressed as Marge] There certainly is. Marge Simpson reporting for duty.
- [Imitates Marge's irritated murmur]
- Lisa Simpson: Dad, there is no way anyone is going to fall for that.
- Moe Szyslak: Well, Marge, ready to come with me to my high school reunion?
- Homer Simpson: Moe, there's something I need to tell you. It's really me, Homer.
- Moe Szyslak: Yeah, but last year I took Barney dressed as Marge. Think how much better you'll look.
- Homer Simpson: All right. But you'd better not leave me alone to talk to your friends.
- Moe Szyslak: Hey, you keep talking like that and I'll leave you here right now.
- Marge Simpson: Is there someone in this bag?
- Martin Prince: [Tied up inside bag] It's my own fault. I looked him in the eye as I was giving him my lunch money.
- Marge Simpson: Someone should talk to your principal.
- Principal Seymour Skinner: [Also tied up inside bag] I'm well aware of the situation.
- Bart Simpson: Sir, could you please sign my program with a swear word?
- Homer Simpson: Yes, and make it filthy but obscure, with a subtle scatological undertone.
- Chuck Liddell: That'll be fifty bucks.
- Homer Simpson: Pay the man, boy.
- Carl Carlson: Men fighting animals in an arena. Just like the ancient Romans.
- Lenny Leonard: Yeah, except their empire collapsed.
- Principal Seymour Skinner: Due to education cutbacks, the following presidents will not be taught: Buchanan, Pierce, Carter, Bush, Bush...