How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

Robin 101 (2009)

Josh Radnor: Ted Mosby

Photos 

Quotes 

• Robin Scherbatsky : Barney's my boyfriend! I've said it like a hundred times, and it still sound weird.

  Ted Mosby : Well anything sounds weird when you say it 100 times... Bowl...

• Ted Mosby : Barney! Do you have a problem with this class?

  Barney Stinson : Yeah. It's boring as hell and I'm not learning anything.

  Ted Mosby : Uh, maybe the problem is your attitude. You're not listening to a word I say.

  Barney Stinson : Uh-huh. Can you hear this, professor?

  [gives a thumbs down] 

  Barney Stinson : Or should I turn it up for you?

  [turns it up] 

  Narrator : [voice over]  It may not have been a thumbs up, kids.

  Ted Mosby : So you think you're not learning anything, huh? Okay. Pop quiz. When Robin's PMS-ing, what kind of chocolate should you get her?

  Barney Stinson : Trick question. Get her butterscotch.

  Ted Mosby : Correct. Why?

  Barney Stinson : Butterscotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women.

  Ted Mosby : Correct. What is Robin's dream job?

  Barney Stinson : To become the most successful female TV reporter of all time.

  Ted Mosby : Correct. And if she achieves that, will she truly be happy?

  Barney Stinson : No. Robin's deep-seeded need for attention can be traced back to her father's emotional distance. And no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs, which is six simple words from her dad: "Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?"

  Ted Mosby : YES! But I guess you're right. You haven't learned anything. Sorry to have wasted your time.

  [Ted walks towards the exit. When he reaches the door, Barney stands on a chair] 

  Barney Stinson : Oh, Captain, my Captain.

  [Ted turns to Barney again] 

  Ted Mosby : [pauses]  How good was Dead Poets Society?

  Barney Stinson : I know, right? The end? Tears.

• Ted Mosby : Look, all that stuff I told Barney, it was personal between you and me. I'm really sorry.

  Robin Scherbatsky : I guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.

  Ted Mosby : It's funny. When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is, and then when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just liked the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use. You know?

  Robin Scherbatsky : Well, since you know me pretty well... Am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?

  Ted Mosby : I don't know. I will say this, though. I've seen Barney work very hard to get women. I've seen him work very hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was going to give him an A. Well, B+; Shin-Ya kind of screwed up the curve.

• Ted Mosby : Now, as you can see, well over fifty percent of the blankets have been dragged onto her side. Make no mistake: Robin Scherbatsky is a classic textbook cover hog. Any questions?

  Robin Scherbatsky : Yeah, I have one.

  Ted Mosby : Yes, Robin?

  [there is a brief pause before Ted and Barney realize who it is with an identical dramatic gasp] 

• Ted Mosby : Be more attentive to where she is emotionally. Be present.

  Barney Stinson : Yes, totally. Only thing, and this is just me, I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!

• Ted Mosby : "How To Date Robin Scherbatsky." Lesson one. Now, even though she puts up a tough exterior, what Robin really wants, deep down...

  Barney Stinson : I'm bored.

  Ted Mosby : You said you wanted my help.

  Barney Stinson : Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?

  Ted Mosby : We did that ready.

  Barney Stinson : No, like, really big boobs.

  Ted Mosby : No. Look, I need this, too. I've only been a professor a few weeks. Being up here, it's, it's good practice for me.

  Barney Stinson : Can we have class outside?

  Ted Mosby : No! What Robin really wants deep down...

  [Cellphone goes off] 

  Ted Mosby : Barney!

  Barney Stinson : What? I'm tweeting about you. You should be flattered. How do you spell blah-blah-blah- "H's" or no?

  Ted Mosby : Wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you?

  Barney Stinson : They said I had A-D... something. Can we have class outside?

  Ted Mosby : Barney, I'm only gonna say this once, so listen up. I love you and I love Robin. And I want to make this work. So if you give me a few weeks of attention, I could give you a lifetime of happiness. Can you do that for me?

  Barney Stinson : Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated for 70% off the cover price? Can we have class outside?

• Ted Mosby : But the most important expression of all...

  [shows picture of a very angry Robin] 

  Barney Stinson : Whoa...

  Ted Mosby : Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes. If you ever, ever, see this face, Barney, run. And don't take a picture of it, she will punch you... and you will cry... for the third time... that night

• Ted Mosby : [In Classroom]  Which brings us to an important point: defusing the bomb.

  Robin Scherbatsky : [Apartment]  "Defusing the bomb"? What does that even mean?

  Lily Aldrin : [Reading]  "Three Topics To Distract Robin From Being Mad At You."

  Robin Scherbatsky : "Distract" me? Oh, that is so condescending. These guys are really starting to piss me off!

  [Throws something] 

  Lily Aldrin : "Immediately switch the conversation To one of the following, unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes."

  [Shots flip between Ted at the classroom and Robin at the apartment] 

  Ted Mosby : One: Vancouver Canucks 2004 Division Title.

  Robin Scherbatsky : What? That's not distracting. That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team that prevailed despite very shaky goal ending and, frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden.

  Ted Mosby : Two: Proper Gun Cleaning and Maintenance.

  Robin Scherbatsky : You have to clean your gun. My uncle had a filthy old shotgun, blew both his thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver. You want to distract someone, make them watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob.

  Ted Mosby : Three: Emperor Penguins.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Did you know that before intercourse, the male and female emperor penguins bow to each other?

  [Bows] 

  Robin Scherbatsky : Mr. Penguin.

  [Bows] 

  Robin Scherbatsky : Mrs. Penguin. Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy.

  [laughs] 

  Robin Scherbatsky : What were we talking about?

• Ted Mosby : For starters, don't ever cry in front of her.

  Barney Stinson : Okay?

  Ted Mosby : And whatever you do... don't cry in front of her four times.

• Robin Scherbatsky : Look, I'm not the touchy-feely-est person in the world, but a little more effort would be nice.

  Lily Aldrin : I understand. I guess, in a lot of ways, Barney doesn't stack up. I mean, you've had some pretty incredible boyfriends.

  [Look over at Ted] 

  Ted Mosby : [Repeating at different pitches]  Bowl. Booo-wl. Bowl. Bowl.

  Robin Scherbatsky : No, that's not it.

• Robin Scherbatsky : I have so many questions. Why would you do this? What were you thinking? Who the hell is that guy?

  [points to random Asian kind in the classroom] 

  Ted Mosby : Oh, that's Shin-Ya. He's sort of been auditing the class.

  Robin Scherbatsky : [Furious]  "Auditing"?

  Ted Mosby : Well, tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class, but I don't think he speaks much English.

• Ted Mosby : It's funny. When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is and then, when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree.