Men of a Certain Age (TV Series)

You Gonna Do That the Rest of Your Life? (2010)

Ray Romano: Joe Tranelli

Photos 

Quotes 

• Terry Elliott : Fellas, listen. Um, I'm having a housewarming party tonight.

  Joe Tranelli : Housewarming? What?

  Terry Elliott : Well, I-I-I moved into Alice's apartment.

  Owen Thoreau Jr. : Are you serious? She's been dead three days.

  Terry Elliott : Yeah, no, I know. I know. I was at her funeral this morning. Very moving.

  Joe Tranelli : So you're dressed for a funeral? Did you have a shovel with you?

• Terry Elliott : You've seen her apartment. It's pretty sweet, right? Needs a little fixing up. But, anyway, I'm at the funeral, and I'm talking to the landlord, and now, of course, they need a new building manager. So, you know, my schedule's somewhat flexible. I say "How 'bout me?".

  Joe Tranelli : So that means you get the apartment for free.

  Terry Elliott : All 1,500 square feet.

  Owen Thoreau Jr. : But that's not even a job, really. You-you show the apartment every once in a while, you water people's plants when they go on vacation.

  Terry Elliott : I don't think I have to water people's plants.

  Owen Thoreau Jr. : You got to be shittin' me!

  Joe Tranelli : Hey, the only thing is, it's a dead lady's apartment.

  Terry Elliott : What do you think they do with dead people's apartments? "Hey, she's dead. Let's burn it"?

  Joe Tranelli : I'm just saying, you don't think it's a little too soon?

• Joe Tranelli : Look, I'm just going on record saying this party's wrong. But in spite of that, I'm coming, and I'm bringing a chick. Dori, okay? Can't promise you I'm not gonna have sex in your kitchen. So deal with that.

  Terry Elliott : That's great. You bring her. Annie will be there, too.

  Joe Tranelli : [sarcastic]  Oh, good. Maybe they'll kiss.

  Terry Elliott : You coming?

  Owen Thoreau Jr. : Yeah, if I can get a sitter. I just can't believe he's got people dropping dead for his convenience.

• Terry Elliott : Good things sometimes come my way. And I believe it is because...

  Joe Tranelli : You're the devil.

  Terry Elliott : No. No. Because I put out a positive vibe.

  Owen Thoreau Jr. : Okay, you can stop that shit right now.

  Terry Elliott : What?

  Owen Thoreau Jr. : Okay, it's bad enough that great stuff just happens to fall into your lap, but please don't try to chalk it up to some cosmic karma you got going.

  Terry Elliott : All I'm saying is I just leave myself open to the positive something that you might want to try.

  Owen Thoreau Jr. : Oh, okay. You're right. This egg white scramble is terrific.

  [he takes a bite] 

  Owen Thoreau Jr. : No, still sucks.

• Manfro : How the hell'd you hit three in a row?

  Joe Tranelli : I mean, I got lucky there, but I'm, you know, I am a scratch, so...

  Manfro : Wait a minute. You really are a scratch golfer?

  Joe Tranelli : Yeah.

  Manfro : Well, this is bullshit, then!

  Joe Tranelli : What do you mean? I told you.

  Manfro : No, but if you're really a scratch, you got to say that. You got to say "Hey, before we bet, I'm really a scratch. No, *really*. I'm *really* a scratch"!

  Joe Tranelli : I said I'm a scratch.

  Manfro : Joe, if I said my dick was a foot long, would you really think it was a foot long?

  Joe Tranelli : Well, I-I-I would know that it's pretty big.

  Manfro : Not a foot long, Joe! If it was a foot long, I'd take it out and show you.

• Joe Tranelli : What the hell's going on?

  Manfro : Looks like we're about to win a thousand bucks off a pair of assholes.

  Joe Tranelli : Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Come on, I didn't agree to this.

  Manfro : Joe, we're just doing a little golfing, along with a little gambling. And from what I remember, you're a fan of both.

  Joe Tranelli : Yeah, this is a scam. You told them I'm a ten handicap. I don't want to do this.

  Manfro : Don't get all high and mighty. You scammed me pretty good the other day.

  Joe Tranelli : That wasn't a scam!

  Manfro : Who cares? I'm putting up the money. All you gotta do is hit the ball and look pretty. And by the way, if it helps, these assholes are pricks. Actual pricks. I ain't being funny. Took a bunch of my mom's IRA money, put it some hedge fund thing, now it's worth shit. Never apologized or anything. So they deserve it. Quit whining and let's put our balls in the air.

• Manfro : You're legit, Joe. You really could play serious golf.

  Joe Tranelli : Yeah, I know it looks that way, but it's like I told you...

  Manfro : No, no, no. If pressure's your bugaboo, you just kicked it.

  Joe Tranelli : I think I just kind of got pissed off.

  Manfro : That's how you deal with it. Whenever you're under pressure, picture two douchebags insulting an Asian guy.

• Manfro : Come on, you're almost 50, right? Get out there on that senior tour.

  Joe Tranelli : Naw.

  Manfro : Come on, Joe. You really want to be filling up balloons the rest of your life?

  Joe Tranelli : You know, it's funny that you mention that, 'cause... I've been thinking recently, uh... why this thing happened, and... did you ever see a dead person?

  Manfro : Where's this going?

  Joe Tranelli : No. No, I saw a dead lady. You know, and then I saw pictures of her when she was younger, and... I just started thinking, like, what'd she do with her life? You know, did she do everything she wanted to do? 'Cause life is short.

  Manfro : Yeah, it's touching, Joe. I don't know whether to cry or punch you.