The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #3.1 (2009)

Peter Capaldi: Malcolm Tucker

Quotes 

• Nicola Murray : Katie's sixteen, she's the oldest. She's just left the school.

  Malcolm Tucker : Not going to a college, a university?

  Nicola Murray : Umm, she's a bit of a rebel.

  Malcolm Tucker : What sort of a rebel? What are we talking here, are we talking a pierced navel or holidays in Pakistani training camp?

  Nicola Murray : It's chiefly heroin. Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn carreer.

• Nicola Murray : I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.

  Malcolm Tucker : You're what?

  Nicola Murray : Not hugely - I can be in rooms, you've seen that. I just don't do lifts, that's all.

  Malcolm Tucker : This lift is... I mean, it's fucking huge! This is bigger than some rooms! This is bigger than some people's flats!

  Nicola Murray : It's about not being able to get out.

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great. That's another fucking thing, right there. Not only you've got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school on a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking mental! Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking omni-shambles, that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know, "From bean to cup, you fuck up."

• Malcolm Tucker : I've got a to-do list here that's longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song.

• Malcolm Tucker : [on the phone]  He's making Paul Remmington a cabinet minister. Rem-tard Remmington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He's so dense, that light bends around him.

• Malcolm Tucker : You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.

• Malcolm Tucker : [on the phone]  Well you know, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy piss-bag.

• Malcolm Tucker : All right, Hinge and Bracket. It's time to hang up your lady cocks.

• Malcolm Tucker : Is that you chair?

  Nicola Murray : Oh god, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got lumbar support.

  Malcolm Tucker : Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expences, they don't like you being paid, they rather you lived in a fucking cave.

  Nicola Murray : Okay, fine. So what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?

  Malcolm Tucker : A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne!

• Nicola Murray : I thought you'd know about the kids.

  Malcolm Tucker : It's just that you were a sort of late-ish kind of appointement. That didn't quite give me the time to to fuck the i's and fist the t's, as Robert Robertson might say.

• Nicola Murray : My family is off limits, alright? This job is not going to get anywhere near my husband and my kids. Just doesn't.

  Malcolm Tucker : Of course it fucking does, as per the wee bar code and the serial number under your right armpit you are now built and owned by this state and you're under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! You know what you are? You're a fucking human dart board. And Eric fucking Bristow's on the oche throwing a million darts made of human shit right at you!

• Malcolm Tucker : Glenn. See this Dickensian hysteric who's just gone home? Here's what you do, right? You're make out you're the Great Oz, yeah? You make a big noise to impress Nicola. But secretly, you're wanking behind the curtain to me all the time.

  Glenn Cullen : You want me to pass information on to you?

  Malcolm Tucker : Don't kill yourself, well not over this, you know. I just want you to make her feel good, you know? You can be a friend of Dorothy's, can't ya? Then we'll all get some fucking peace around here!

• Malcolm Tucker : [to a fellow Communications guy]  Hey, well done on Fatty's profile! Very very good! I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it!