The Thick of It (TV Series)

Episode #3.3 (2009)

Peter Capaldi: Malcolm Tucker

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : [wearing a tuxedo]  Believe me, I'd like to slip into something a lot more comfortable, like a coma.

• Malcolm Tucker : [on the phone]  We need to pursuade Matt Delany not to cross the floor. I think we should use "The Carrot and The Stick" approach - you take the carrot and you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.

• Malcolm Tucker : I know you leaked the punch story.

  John Duggan : Fisty-gate.

  Malcolm Tucker : Don't call it that! Where did you hear that?

• Malcolm Tucker : [on the phone to the PM]  I'm sorry, cheif, there's no way I can spin this health stats stuff, they're fucked. We'll have to put something else in the speech. Yeah, I don't know. Uhm... What about the missus? Can we bring her out again? Well, she basically has that thing of appearing to be a normal human being, that seems to play well.

• Malcolm Tucker : [Glenn's in the bathroom after Tucker punched him. Tucker comes into the room]  Where's the patient?

  Glenn Cullen : I don't wanna speak to you right now, Malcolm.

  Nicola Murray : I think you should leave.

  Malcolm Tucker : Do you?

  Nicola Murray : Yes. What, you gonna hit me?

  Malcolm Tucker : I don't fucking hit women.

  Oliver Reeder : Except Glenn, obviously.

  Malcolm Tucker : Just fucking leave Glenn out of this. Glenn's been through enough as it is. Listen mate, I'm really... I'm really sorry about what happened at the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now. I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks. I've had my finger in the dyke but the dyke's really very squirty.

  Oliver Reeder : As in Fat Pat? I've heard that she's a...

  Malcolm Tucker : Shut up. We're old soldiers, right? This is like the war time, ok? I mean, every now and then you're gonna get an incedent of friendly fire. Yeah?

  Glenn Cullen : Yeah.

  Malcolm Tucker : Good man.

• Malcolm Tucker : Let's roll some tits up the flagpole and see if anyone gets wood.

• John Duggan : Hey, Malcolm.

  Malcolm Tucker : Shite to see you, to see you...

  John Duggan : Shite!

• Malcolm Tucker : Squeeze my cock and call me Nancy! Were you born in a barn, Glenn? Keep your door and your arse-cheeks fucking tightly closed, right? Jesus Christ, that's a tiny kettle!