The Office (TV Series)

Secret Santa (2009)

Steve Carell: Michael Scott

Photos 

Quotes 

• Michael Scott : David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as.

  David Wallace : I'm not going to guess. You can either tell me or I'm going to hang up.

  Michael Scott : I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.

• Michael Scott : You know what? Christmas isn't about Santa or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you... feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you are my wife, and Jim... And Angela and Phyllis, you are my... grandmas. And Stanley, you are... our mailman.

• Michael Scott : Earlier today, this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. Now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into.

• [Phyllis, dressed as Santa Claus, is handing out the Secret Santa gifts while Michael, dressed as Jesus, sits sullenly in a chair heckling her with a karaoke machine] 

  Phyllis Vance : [to Dwight]  This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch!

  Dwight Schrute : We don't have a North Pole branch. Idiot.

  [he jumps up and snatches the parcel out of her hands] 

  Michael Scott : [sarcastic and deadpan]  Uh-oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is it?

  Dwight Schrute : [opens the parcel to reveal another assembly piece for his gift]  YES!

  Michael Scott : Oh yes, it's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend.

  [sing-song] 

  Michael Scott : Deck the halls with crappy gifts...

  Phyllis Vance : [moves to Stanley]  And Stanley, ho ho ho! You've been very good this year.

  [she hands him a small box] 

  Stanley Hudson : I have.

  [he takes the box and opens it] 

  Michael Scott : Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible, people. What'd he get?

  Kevin Malone : He got scented candles.

  Michael Scott : Oh, well that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going, better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockeysticks. Going to hell, Stanley.

  Angela Martin : Amen!

  Phyllis Vance : [moves to Angela and hands her a wrapped parcel]  And this brings us to you, little one.

  Michael Scott : I can't see from here, people. Somebody shout it out. Don't make me get up.

  Angela Martin : [opens the parcel]  It's fabric. I really wanted this.

  Michael Scott : That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.

  Angela Martin : Andy, is this you?

  Phyllis Vance : It's a secret.

  Michael Scott : No, Andy had... Erin.

  Andy Bernard : [uncomfortable]  That...

  Pam Beesly : Michael!

  Phyllis Vance : You...

  [sighs exasperatedly] 

  Michael Scott : [sarcastically]  What, was I not supposed to say...

  [Jim shuts off the karaoke machine, cutting Michael off] 

  Michael Scott : Wha... Turn it back on.

  Jim Halpert : No.

  [Michael drops the microphone, gets out of his chair and petulantly stalks into his office, slamming the door behind him] 

• Michael Scott : If this were Russia, yeah, sure. Everybody would go to one Santa and there would be a line around the block, and once you sat on her lap and she asked you what you wanted, you would say, probably, "freedom." At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.

• Michael Scott : Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Clause over there, when you can sit on my lap? Phyllis is only pretending to be a man. I'm the real thing! Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt.

• Kevin Malone : I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted.

  Michael Scott : Okay, you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again.

  Kevin Malone : Awesome.

• Michael Scott : It's hard for me to imagine a scenario where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not.

• Michael Scott : Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa.