- Annie Edison: [looking at the model penis] I had it wrong. Is that considered large?
- Britta Perry: [at the same time as Shirley] Yes.
- Shirley Bennett: [at the same time as Britta] No.
- Abed Nadir: [Over the intercom] Attention Greendale students: Don't use the condoms! If you're going to have sex tonight, don't use condoms!
- Sabrina: "Secretary" is a little degrading to women. I help the dean do office-y things.
- Britta Perry: Oh, gender saved.
- Shirley Bennett: Being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of. You're like a unicorn.
- Dean Pelton: Isn't it great? Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of *public health fever*.
- Britta Perry: You know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right?
- Dean Pelton: Because they keep getting stolen. Sabrina, take a note. I want hidden cameras in every stall.
- Britta Perry: Problem solved.
- Dean Pelton: Okay, I'm just gonna turn him around and we're gonna cover him up. Okay, ladies, I am shocked at the reverse Porky's that has happened here.
- Britta Perry: I don't see what the big deal is. Annie needed to look at the model of the pen...
- Dean Pelton: Okay, the P-word has entered into play. That's exactly why I wanted Gayle, our school counselor here, and Monique, who's keeping record, to ensure we discuss these sensitive topics in a legally appropriate manner.
- Gail the School Counselor: I think everyone should say "penis" so we can take away the negative power of the word, yeah? So everybody.
- Dean Pelton, Gail the School Counselor, Officer Cackowski, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett: Penis.
- Officer Cackowski: [pointing at Annie] She didn't say it.
- Dean Pelton: Now why did you break in to see the penis? Wow, I really do feel more comfortable saying that now, Gayle.
- Gail the School Counselor: I just wanna focus on the girl who won't say "penis."
- [Annie visually surveys the room while breathing heavy]
- Gail the School Counselor: This is a judgment-free zone, so express yourself.
- Annie Edison: You know what? I don't want to express myself. I don't wanna sit in a room full of people and say
- [quieter voice]
- Annie Edison: the P-word.
- [returns to normal voice]
- Annie Edison: I like being repressed. I am totally comfortable being uncomfortable with my sexuality. And maybe, just maybe, if everyone were a little more like me, we wouldn't have to have an STD fair.
- Britta Perry: You go, girl.
- Shirley Bennett: That's my pumpkin. Mm-hm.
- Annie Edison: By the way, now that I've gotten a good look at one, I don't see what all the fuss was about. A giant thumb in a turtleneck.
- [yells]
- Annie Edison: Whoop-dee-doo!
- Dean Pelton: A *laser*. Well, this isn't going to be your mother's sexually transmitted disease awareness fair.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Hey, guys. Jeff and I are double dating tonight with my new girlfriend.
- Jeff Winger: You got that from "I doubt it"?
- Pierce Hawthorne: There he is. Back already. Detail time?
- Jeff Winger: I stopped. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, she's hot. I think this place is sapping my life force.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh, it's not Greendale, Jeff, it's you. You're becoming more mature. A man reaches a point in his life where he stops looking for a place to hang his underwear and starts looking for a place to hang his hat.
- Pierce Hawthorne: So, Jeff, dust off that black book and rustle up a honey, huh?
- Jeff Winger: Is there a pill that makes the word "no" clearer?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Heh, heh. Look how gorgeous Doreen is tonight. Hey, can we...? Let's lay out our plans for the evening. You wingman me, I wingman you. Maybe we split up for a little hoo-ha and then meet in the morning for eggs and details.
- Jeff Winger: That sounds like the worst combination plate ever.
- Pierce Hawthorne: There he is. Back already. Detail time?
- Jeff Winger: I stopped. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, she's hot. I think this place is sapping my life force.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh, it's not Greendale, Jeff, it's you. You're becoming more mature. A man reaches a point in his life where he stops looking for a place to hang his underwear and starts looking for a place to hang his hat.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, I'm sorry. I was waiting for that to become inappropriate or racist. What happened to Doreen?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh, uh, she said if I wanted to continue, I would have to pay.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, man, that is rough.
- Pierce Hawthorne: No, it was a wake-up call. Doreen is a very special lady. I did not treat her right. I have stuff to work on, you know?
- Jeff Winger: You'll get there.
- Pierce Hawthorne: We're both gonna get there. Here's to being better men.
- Jeff Winger: [unenthusiastically] Cheers.
- Dean Pelton: And it's all thanks to you.
- Annie Edison: I was voted "most likely to succeed" at my rehab clinic.
- Dean Pelton: Well, in recognition of all your hard work, I have decided that you should conduct the condom demonstration. You're gonna be center stage showing everyone how to put a condom on a, uh... well, what my dad called a Jimmy Carter.
- Annie Edison: Um, I don't know if I'm the right person for that.
- Dean Pelton: Don't worry. Not a real one. No, it's an anatomically correct model, you know. But trust me, eyes closed, you can't tell the difference. Mmm. Okay.
- Annie Edison: I had relations with my high school boyfriend. We did it to Madonna's Erotica on the floor of his walk-in closet, but he wouldn't let me look at it. He cried after... and during. He's gay now.
- Britta Perry: [whispers] I think he was gay then.