The Venture Bros. (TV Series)

Self-Medication (2009)

Brendon Small: Action Johnny

Quotes 

• Action Johnny : My dad's lab was like a pharmacological candy store, so I started real young. Next thing I know, I'm blowing lines of voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw I bought in Calcutta. Now I'm all out of wishes.

  Dr. Venture : I wasn't even allowed to wear long pants until I left for college. Is it any wonder I didn't lose my virginity until I was over 20?

  Lance Hale : So dumbass here is so freaked out by the mess, he forgets twenty years of detective training and actually picks up the shotgun with his bare hands. Well, I just instinctively reached out to stop him, of course. And so... that's how both our sets of prints ended up on the murder weapon.

  Ro-Boy : I tried to be good, I just couldn't help myself sometimes. When I see a giant robot I just get so mad, I wanna beat them up! And then I wanna burn them! Sometimes I wanna burn the whole world!

  Wonderboy : I mean, I can't even get an erection now unless I'm tied to a chair with a time bomb taped to my chest.

• Dr. Venture : Dr Z is right. You know, I should thank you guys. You all made me realize something important tonight: I am not alone.

  Action Johnny : Band of brothers, man.

  Dr. Venture : No, I mean, what the hell am I doing in therapy in the first place? I'm no drug addict, I don't have an eating disorder, and as much as I resented my father I never wanted to kill him! And most importantly, I grew up! I'm not a boy adventurer, I have my own business and my own family! And if you'll excuse me, I think it's high time I got back to them.

• Action Johnny : Hey, how are those balls doing, Rust?

  Dr. Venture : Spirit is up and roving, but Opportunity hasn't come back online yet.

• Lance Hale : Lance Hale, one half of the world-famous Hale Brothers. Boy detectives. You've heard of us. Anyway, we're here because my allegedly twin brother Dale still hasn't gotten over our father's death.

  Dale Hale : I can still see his face through the steam of his pooling blood as he lay sputtering on the cold linoleum floor...

  Lance Hale : Punch-buggy depressing! Nobody wants to hear that crap, Dale! Heheh, sorry. We didn't just lose our dad that night. His death remains our only unsolved case ever. We had to quit the business because the shame was just too great.

  Action Johnny : Yeah, retiring at thirty on daddy's famous fortune must've been real hard on you.

  Lance Hale : For your information, Action Junkie, he bequeathed most of it to the local boy detective academy. We hardly got dick because nothing we ever did was good enough!

• Action Johnny : Dudes, get back! That is a Vietnamese Two-Step Viper! One bite, and you're dead before you take two steps.

  Dale Hale : There's no such thing.

  Action Johnny : Yeah, I'm making it up? It's right there, dude! That ain't a fucking hologram or an old lighthouse keeper in a rubber mask, okay?

  Dale Hale : I mean there's no such snake. That's an urban myth.

  Lance Hale : Bro's right. I Googled it.

  Dr. Venture : Hey, Encyclopedia Brown-Noser, can you Google this thing the hell away from me?

• Action Johnny : Why'd you kill him, Z? To get to me?

  Dr. Z : I have no idea what you are talking about, I have not arched you in years. Why would I? You're nothing but a punk!

  Action Johnny : You're going to tell me that you didn't send your flunky to murder our therapist with a a Vietnamese Two-Step Viper?

  Dr. Z : BAH! When Dr. Z harasses you, you'll know it! A giant metal crab will tear the roof of your trailer! No less than six suicide assassins would spring from its belly! I would never stoop to striking at you through some civilian proxy, and certainly would not do it with a made-up snake!

• Dr. Venture : ...well, Daphne I believe she got around quite a bit, but Velma? I always thought she was a...

  Action Johnny : Everybody did. But I've got a pack of herpes that say otherwise.