Gabriel Iglesias: I'm Not Fat... I'm Fluffy (2009) Poster

(2009 TV Special)

Gabriel Iglesias: Self

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Quotes 

  • Gabriel Iglesias : A lot has changed, El Paso, a lot has changed. One thing's for sure, I'm still the fluffy guy.

    [cheers from audience] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : And I say "fluffy" because that is the politically correct term. For those of you that don't remember, I used to say that there were five levels of fatness. Reason why I say "used to say" is because now there are six. Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Cruces. The original five were "big", "healthy", "husky", "fluffy", and "DAMN!". For those of you wondering, "What could be bigger than 'DAMN!'?" The new level's called "OH HELL NO!"

    [laughter] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example: If you're on an elevator and you're with your friend, and this really big guy gets on, and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "DAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking *towards* your elevator.

    [growls] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "OH HELL NO!"

  • Gabriel Iglesias : One time I was trying to check into a hotel in Chicago at 1:00 in the morning because I missed my flight. Nobody's at the front desk. Just a little bell and a sign that said "Ring for service". So there I am. "Ching! Ching Ching! Ching! Ching Ching Ching Ching Ching Ching Ching! Ching! Ching! Ching Ching Ching Ching Ching!" All of a sudden I heard this:

    [as a Black lady] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "I hear the bell!" All of a sudden this lady came out just...

    [imitates her walk, and mimes smoking a cigarette, as receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Are you the one ringing that damn bell? What the hell you want?"

    [as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Um, I'm checking in."

    [as receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "You know what time it is? It's tomorrow!"

    [as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "I know. I missed my flight."

    [as receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Mm-hmm. Whatever you say."

    [smokes, as receptionist's friend] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "What's goin' on out there?"

    [as receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Girl, you gotta see this! I gotta big-ass Mexican showin' up late as hell! Okay."

    [types on computer] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "What's yo' name?"

    [as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "My name is Gabriel Iglesias."

    [as receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Eglesias."

    [as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Yes, Iglesias."

    [as receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Okay, Eglesias, E-G-L..."

    [as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Uh, no, no, no, no, no! It's Iglesias with an I."

    [as receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "With an I? But you said E-glesias! You didn't say I-glesias, you said E-glesias!"

    [as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "It's Iglesias with an I."

    [as receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Mm-hmm. Whatever you say. It's yo' damn name, okay? Mr. E-glesias with a I."

    [smokes, as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "You know that's bad for you."

    [as receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Oh, this right here? My grandmama lived to be a hunded years old."

    [as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Smoking?"

    [as receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Mindin' her own damn business, okay? Mr. E-glesias with a I? Okay, I found you in the system. I got you for two nights, full-size bed, non-smoking."

    [as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "I requested a queen-size bed."

    [as receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "And you woulda gotten a queen-size bed if you had been here yesterday, but it's tomorrow, and you're lucky I'm talkin' to you. Mr. E-glesias with a I? What's the 'I' stand for? 'I need a bigger bed'?"

    [as receptionist's friend] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "What's goin' on out there?"

    [as receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Girl, you gotta see this! Nacho Libre is trippin'!"

  • Gabriel Iglesias : Last time I got stopped, the cop came up to the car all mean, "You know why I stopped you?" I looked at him with a straight face and I said, "'Cause I'm Black! Ha ha, hell yeah, man! Wassup, player?" He turned the flashlight on, you guys and...

    [mimes using the flashlight on the car] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Get the hell outta here, stupid."

    [as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Yah-yay!"

    [mimics car driving off] 

  • [on Frankie and him getting in trouble with the principal] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : [as Principal]  "Sir, sir, this is not the designated drop off area. Please take your child to the other side of the school. You cannot leave him here."

    [as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : I was like, "Watch this!"

    [to the principal] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Señora, no se lo que esta diciendo, estoy dejando mi hijo aqui. ¡Aqui va a la escuela, su mama no se levanto, yo no se!"

    ["Ma'am, I don't know what you're saying, I'm leaving my son here. He goes to school here, his mom didn't get up, I don't know!", to Frankie] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "That's how you do it homeboy! That's how you do it!" That principal was amazing, 'cause she was like,

    [as Principal, in slow Spanish] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Usted no puede dejar su hijo aqui. Saca la vuelta ha la otro lado de la escuela. ¡Alla, sí, sí! ¡Aqui, no, no! ¡Alla, sí, sí! ¡Aqui, no, no! ¡Yo no soy pandeja!"

    ["You can't leave your child here. Go around to the other side of the school. There, yes, yes! Here, no, no! There, yes, yes! Here, no, no! I'm not stupid!"] 

  • Gabriel Iglesias : Eh, another time, I took Frankie to IHOP, you guys. Too funny. We walk in there, we got my buddy, Noah. We went to go eat, tore it up, walked out into the parking lot, and discovered that my car had been stolen.

    [audience groaning] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : Yeah, uh-huh. I was full too. I'm like...

    [groans] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "We got to walk." My buddy Noah, he's trying to be helpful. He's like, "Gabriel, don't you have OnStar?" I'm like, "Yeah, but it's in the car, stupid." "Well, can't you call the 800 number? Maybe they can track your car." I'm like, "Oh, shoot, Noah, you're a genius." So I pull out my cell phone and my freaking, you know, OnStar card, and I call 'em up.

    [imitates phone ringing, in mechanical female voice] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "OnStar. For OnStar service, press one. Para servicio en español, oprima el número dos. To report a lost or stolen vehicle, press three."

    [imitates beeping] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "One moment."

    [imitating Chuck Mangione's "Feels So Good" trumpet solo, line rings, in female voice] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Thank you for choosing OnStar. This is Kim speaking. How can I help you?"

    [as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Kim, they just stole my car from IHOP."

    [as Kim] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "I'm very sorry, sir. Can I get your OnStar number?"

    [as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Actually, Kim, I can't read the card. It's kind of chewed up. Uh, can I give you, like, a credit card or Social Security or something?"

    [as Kim] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Sir, just give me your name."

    [as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Okay, my name is Gabriel Iglesias."

    [as Kim] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Oka..."

    [beat, as himself] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Hello? Kim? Kim?"

    [as the Chicago hotel receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Do you spell that with a 'I'?"

    [cheering, applause] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : [hangs up, mimics ringing, in automated female voice]  "OnStar. For OnStar service press one. Para servicio en español, oprima el número dos."

    [boop] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "Un momento, por favor."

    [imitates trumpet playing "Mexican Hat Dance", imitates phone ringing, as Chicago hotel receptionist] 

    Gabriel Iglesias : "I speak Spanish, too, motherfucker!"

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs


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