Alice (TV Mini Series)

Episode #1.1 (2009)

Colm Meaney: King of Hearts

Quotes 

• Queen of Hearts : [demanding to see the rejuvenated Mad March, her favorite assassin]  Well? Where is he? I don't see him.

  Carpenter : Uh, before I present Mad March, I feel I should warn - er, prepare you...

  Queen of Hearts : What?

  Carpenter : In the interest of expediency, I've had to make some... technical adjustments.

  King of Hearts : What *are* you talking about?

  Carpenter : ...Short cuts?

  Queen of Hearts : [dangerously]  How short?

  [the Carpenter tries to explain, gives up, sighs, and turns to the door. It opens to reveal Mad March, who now has an animatronic porcelain rabbit head that was formerly a cookie jar] 

  Queen of Hearts : [rising from her throne]  What on Earth have you done to him?

  Carpenter : Think of him as a... hybrid, Majesty. In many ways he is better than before.

  King of Hearts : We don't need a user manual, do we? I hate user manuals.

  Carpenter : [the Queen approaches Mad March]  Uh, not too close... he's still finding his way.

  Queen of Hearts : [circling Mad March]  Does he have all his old skills? Forensics, tracking, homicidal mania?

  Carpenter : I believe so.

  Queen of Hearts : Believe so?

  Carpenter : There wasn't much time for testing.

  Queen of Hearts : Does he speak?

  [Carpenter shrugs helplessly] 

  Queen of Hearts : Let's try him out, then.

  [slowly and loudly] 

  Queen of Hearts : Mad March. How are you today?

  Mad March : [with a mechnical, Bronx-accented voice]  Piss... off... you... cow.

  [everyone looks, terrified, at the Queen for her reaction] 

  Queen of Hearts : [delighted]  Excellent!

  [laughs] 

  Queen of Hearts : He's good as new!